That's just my luck. Getting engaged at the same time my brother does. And since our engagements concern both of our best friends, everybody thought it best to keep our engagement parties together as well. After all, the four of us spend so much time together already that people wouldn't think it weird if we would do this together as well
So, tonight it is time for me again to put on my poker face. First, I have to act happy and totally in love with Liam, since it is our engagement party after all. And secondly, I have to act like I am proud of my brother for marrying my best friend, while in the meantime his fiancé has left me unhinged. Kissing Christina at last night's Mayfair party really leaves me confused all over again. I don't know what's keeping her and what she's playing at, but I'm getting fed up with her behaviour more and more. I exactly have her where I want her, but still she's as stubborn as a pig and refuses to let me in completely, so we can both end this farce we're in.
I always thought love was easy. Two people love each other. They say that out loud and get together. Easy as one, two, three. Then why the Hell is it so difficult for us all the time? I love her. She loves me. We both have said it aloud. And still we're not together. It's frustrating, but I am at the same time deadly afraid I'll push her away, when I push her too much about it. So, I'll leave it be for now, but not for too long though since I am starting to lose my mind over it. And besides, her wedding is getting closer with every passing minute. I don't have the luxury of letting this play out, whenever she's ready for it. I have to rush her, but I can't at the same time. And that's also driving me mad.
Luckily, with the engagement party at our doorstep, which we would keep here in Castle Le Bon, I have many other things to worry about. At least if you would ask my maman. In fact, I myself couldn't care less. Organising this elaborate engagement party, while my head is not at the game at all, feels wrong and unethical. I don't love my fiancé as he well knows, but he still has some feelings for me left according to aunt Emma. Christina in the meanwhile does not love Elias the way she should, while he probably would catch a bullet for her if it came down to that. This is all one big hoax.
Celebrating this farce of an engagement only adds to my dislike of it all. Besides, I definitely don't feel like throwing a party right now, since my world is once again topsy-turvy. I have to continue my own constructed play though, since my mother would definitely have a nervous breakdown if I would cancel tonight's festivities at the last minute.
But as it turns out there are three things that lighten up this engagement party. I am standing with my brother, Liam and Christina in our stone, brightly lit hallway to receive our guests. I keep shaking hands and saying the same things over and over again, until I feel like I am a machine programmed to say these two sentences only: 'Thank you for being here. Have a nice time.'
Just when I feel I am getting stuck into a mantrum one of my servants walks towards me, bows and hands me a letter. At first I think it is a last minute cancellation, but then I see a childish handwriting greeting me and Christina. I beckon her to join me in reading and together we read the letter, which is apparently written by Laurent.
Dear Duchess Le Bon & Duchess Arlington,
We all thank you for the kind invitation to tonight's engagement party. Unfortunately, we will not be able to attend, since maman has given birth to our little sister. Maman is very tired, but she cannot stop smiling. Both Amelie and I don't know what is so adorable about the naked thing in her arms, but maman told us that she will grow up to be our little sister, so I guess I'd better be a dear to her. Maman hasn't given her a name yet, since she wants to wait three days, until she's sure my sister will live. I don't understand why she doesn't give her a name. It's so much easier to write about her with a name than by calling her my sister. It's not like she's going anywhere, so why not just name her? Amelie and I have taken the liberty to give her a name, but that made maman angry. I guess Miss. Piggy isn't a nice name.
However, we would be honoured if the two of you could come over to see Miss. Piggy, because she is really sweet despite the fact that she looks a bit like a snail. She reacts to our voices already and I am proud to be her big brother. Would you please come over soon? Perhaps you could convince maman to name her, since we will continue calling her Miss. Piggy until she's called otherwise.
Big hugs and kisses,
From Laurent, Amelie, maman and the baby
This makes both Christina and me smile and I say: 'We have to visit them very soon.'
Christina rubs her temples. 'We are leaving for Hastings Hill tomorrow, but I would really love to go.'
'Hastings Hill? You never mentioned...'
'We didn't speak a lot yesterday, did we?'
We both laugh faintly, but then she adds: 'But I would really like to see the baby. And the mother of course. I hope they are fine.'
'Well, we can go tomorrow before you leave?'
'We have to rise early?' she wiggles her eyebrows mischievously. 'Do you think you're up to that?'
'Why wouldn't I?'
'Due to something called a hangover?'
'I will not drink too much,' I say indignantly.
'But I will.' She flashes me a naughty grin. 'By the way, do you want to talk about...?'
But then we're interrupted by our next guests and I give her a guilty look before shaking hands once more. The second thing that brightens up my evening is my best friend Mary-Ann, who arrives about an half hour after the ball started. She walks up to me with her husband. We exchange hugs and just when I ask her how marriage is treating her. William Austen puts his arm around my friend's waist with a face beaming with pride and says: 'We have grand news to tell you. It's kind of a present for your engagement as well, since you're the first to hear about it.'
At his words Mary-Ann smiles at me broadly with an euphoric look in her eyes. And then I notice something's off. She's not wearing a corset anymore. She's wearing a very broad fitting dress. Mary-Ann supports her lower back as if she's carrying double her weight, which I saw Laurent's mother do just a few weeks ago. And her usual slim belly shows the first signs of a slight bulge. My mouth falls open and then I am hugging her tightly crying out: 'You are pregnant.' We jump around as two happy idiots, while Liam and William shake hands in congratulation.
When I let go of Mary-Ann both of our hair is bewildered, but we don't care. She's beaming with happiness and I can understand it. We have come a long way from studying to the person we are today. And this is every girl's dream: to welcome many children of one's own. I pray to God she gives birth to a healthy baby, because she sure as hell deserves it.
'We are going to name the child Thomas, if it's a boy. But I think the girl's name will certainly appeal to you and that's in fact our real birthday present to you and your family.' Husband and wife exchange a loving look. 'We will call a baby girl Naomi in honour of your sister.'
My eyes fill themselves with tears and I hug Mary-Ann again both laughing and crying at the same time. William rubs his curly hair and asks Liam: 'Is that her consent?'
I see Liam smiling with his white teeth showing. 'I fancy she means yes with her tears and laughter.'
After they join the other guests, Liam offers me his handkerchief amorously and wipes away my tears gently. 'I never knew a pregnant woman could cause so much happiness in you. Then and again: you are a woman.'
'Are you kidding? Becoming a mother is the most beautiful thing that could ever happen to a woman.'
'I never knew you felt that way.'
I lower my eyes. 'I did. I love being with my nephews and niece as well. I always thought I would be a loving and caring mother myself one day.' I look at Christina torn, who's shaking hands with the Duke of Savoy, who's a distant relative of her and Liam. He used to be one of my suitors for that matter, before Liam swept me off of my feet.
'There are still ways for you to have a child. Even when you are together with Christina.'
'Yes, we could always adopt a child, but still... That feels different. It feels wrong somehow, like I bought a child. I want to conceive a child, carry it in my womb and bring it out in the world myself. God has blessed us with a womb, so it would be a shame if I would let it go to waste.'
Liam looks uneasy and he's rubbing his blonde hair feverishly. 'Well, but you have to... I mean when you get married... A man and his wife should... You cannot do that with...' He looks helplessly and I laugh adoringly at him. He is obviously doubting if I know what is required of me as a wife, since many mamans don't tell their daughters what is expected of them until it's their wedding day. They fear telling them about the consummation of their marriage too soon will lead to corrupted behaviour. I didn't know what was expected of me as well. At least not until Christina showed me how the physical part of loving someone worked.
'I know how consummating a marriage works, Liam.'
He sighs relieved. 'Phew, it saves me a lot of trouble. Many parents don't explain to their children how...' He waves with his large hands helplessly. 'The machinery of the act, to put it quite rude.'
'I do know what is needed.' I give his red cheek a small kiss. 'And I also know that Christina and I do not meet the conditions to conceive a child, so I guess that's that. I mean I love her more. You have to make sacrifices when it comes to love and I would gladly give up my wish to become a mother to be with her.'
'I know you'll probably hate me for saying this, but you must know I can give you both.' I look up into his passionate eyes. 'I could love you and give you as many children as you would like.'
I clench my jaw. 'Liam,' I start warningly, remembering aunt Emma's warning about his feelings for me all too clearly.
He sighs. 'I know. You don't love me like you love Christina. I just want you to know you have other options as well.' His face falls. 'No need to act on it. Just wanted to let you know.'
'I do know, Liam. And I love you for it. But you knew when you offered me this ring what the real reason was that made me accept it. Your guardian told me that for you there probably was a second reason to propose to me, but I cannot meet you in this expectation. Not even halfway. I hope you understand that.'
He wipes some dirt off his sleeve, avoiding my eyes. 'Yes, I know. And I still want you to succeed and I am glad you're making progress with my sister. And still, a part of me repulsively hopes this will end in nothing and you will choose me afterwards. Sorry if I am being an ass by saying this, but I wanted to have it on the table'
So, aunt Emma was right after all. Liam still cares for me. This makes things a whole lot more complicated. And frankly, I feel disgusted by the mess I have intentionally created even more. Liam does not deserve this. 'Liam, I honestly don't know if I could go back to the way things were before I came to love your sister. Even if Christina marries my brother, I don't know if I could ever love someone else again. I don't want to get your hopes up too high. Hell, I don't know if it would be right to choose you, when she doesn't end up with me. I don't want you to feel like your second best.'
'So, what? You will remain loveless until you die?'
'If I have to.'
'I will not let you end up like an old spinster. I care too much about you. You are too young to live like a widow already.'
'And I care too much for you to let you spend the rest of your life with a woman who doesn't love you nearly as much as you deserve. After all this is over, Liam, you have to find yourself a decent wife. I will break off the engagement, whatever impact this may have on my family. When you're free from me, you can find your soulmate. A woman who can give you her fullest. That's what you deserve.'
'But perhaps I don't want anyone else.'
'So, when I end up with Christina after all, you will live your bachelor life forever?'
'With Elias by my side.'
'That's absurd.'
'Not more than you refusing me, when you lose Christina.'
'I am refusing you, because I cannot do that to you. You deserve more than what I can offer you.'
'I will gladly accept any part of you no matter how broken these parts will be. I am a perfect handyman.'
I cannot accept this and I want to tell him that, but then I hear a beaming voice behind us which interrupts the conversation we're having: 'If that's not my favourite Londoner in the whole world!'
I turn around and see my friend from Windsor Castle, Eleanor Stuart, entering the great hall. For the occasion she is quite properly dressed, by which I mean she still wears a way too short dress to be accepted by society's standards, but I have seen her wearing less than that. Her hair is as wild as ever, which always reminds me of a lion's mane: wild, waving, full and soft. Her heart shaped face looks triumphantly at me, but her emerald green eyes shine with sincere happiness at being here.
I didn't know she was invited, since the last time she was visiting London she hit Diana Mornington in the face with a bottle of champagne and afterwards she was kind of shunned by upper-class society. Go figure. Liam chuckles unsurprised though at my facial expression and explains: 'I thought you would be happy to have her here. I personally sent her an invitation.'
I kiss him cheerfully and then throw myself in Eleanor's arms, who laughs merrily and almost squashes my upper body with her bony arms while returning my hug enthusiastically. I see Christina scowl in the corner of my eye. Christina has never been too fond of my friend and that obviously shows. I can't blame her though, since when Eleanor walked into our lives she just used Liam for a scandalous one night stand and she kissed me in front of Christina's eyes to make her admit we were in a relationship together. Though obnoxious as she can be, I have become very fond of Eleanor Stuart.
Eleanor hits my head with her fan saying: 'Here I thought to celebrate another engagement.' I hush her down, seeing Christina's face turning crimson at her words. 'Can you imagine my surprise when I got your invitation?'
'Keep your voice down for Heaven's sake! Elias doesn't know about our former relationship.'
'Fools,' Eleanor says, head shaking. I smell a whiff of alcohol already on her breath. 'The two of you are meant for each other. Why the Hell let that go? You want to end up like me?'
'Like I told you in my many letters...'
'Which I dutifully replied to. All of them.'
'Yes, thank you for that. But like I told you, I am not done with her yet. So, please spare me your lecture.'
'This looks like a done deal to me, babe.'
'Yes, well things are set in motion.'
She crosses her arms amused. 'O, I like the sound of this. Sounds like a thrilling adventure, which you failed to mention in your letters I daresay.'
'I was afraid someone besides you would read them.'
'Hm, yes, I can imagine that. My father is still more than curious to whom I've been writing so much of late. I wouldn't be surprised if he actually would intercept a few of your letters before I could read them. Wouldn't want to have that.'
'Exactly. So, I am sorry, but I will tell you all about my big plan tonight, when I am done playing for a hostess.'
'When you're looking for me, I am at the bar.'
I roll my eyes at her. 'Drinks are on the left side of the ballroom. And waiters pass by with champagne. Enjoy yourself.'
'You are far too kind.' She curtsies mockingly and leaves us be.
'You like that I invited her?' Liam asks me hesitantly.
'Yes, I do. Eleanor is quite a friend.' Christina catches me saying that and she snorts. I throw her a spiteful glance, but ignore her further. A smile tugs at the corner of Liam's lips and Elias as usual looks at us questioningly not knowing what the hell is going on.
∞
It takes me about two hours to leave the great hall finally. By this time my feet ache due to my standing still all this time and I am really longing for a glass of water to soothe my dry throat. I make my way to the drinking table, but am intercepted multiple times by well-wishers and by a couple of men still wanting to dance with me. Since I am one of the hostesses it is impolite to refuse them, so I reluctantly accept. After three dances I am totally dried out though and I rush to a glass of water, which I greedily gulp down before anyone can stop me again.
As she promised me earlier, Eleanor is sitting close by and she walks up to me when she spots me. 'There you are,' she says looking bored. 'Didn't think you'd join me after all. Fraternising with the scandalous Grand Duchess is probably not a good thing for an upcoming wife.'
'Luckily my upcoming husband is quite fond of you as well, so I guess we're fine.' I grab a glass of champagne from the table as well and gulp that down almost as fast as I did the glass of water.
Eleanor nods approvingly following my example acutely. 'Someone is enjoying herself,' she compliments me.
'Does this look like merriment to you?'
'It isn't then? Well, please enlighten me then about what this is precisely.'
The next quarter of an hour I tell her all about the deal Liam and I made to win back Christina's heart. Eleanor pulls up a chair with her foot, so I can sit down. I thank her and tell her everything about what had come to pass between us since Liam's proposal to me. Eleanor frowns, when she hears Christina and I have been making out last night. When I am done, I feel totally embarrassed and she whistles impressively.
'Wow, and I thought my life was fit for a play. This kind of drama only happens in novels usually. Damn, girl. What the hell are the two of you doing?'
I feel the need to defend myself. 'What are we doing? What is she doing? I think I have made it perfectly clear I want her. That I love her still and am willing to give up my engagement to Liam just to be with her instead. She tells me she feels the same, but then doesn't break up with my brother. So, what am I supposed to do here?'
'You are perfectly killing me here. You make this too hard for yourselves. There's no one keeping you from getting together, except for your own pride and stubbornness.'
'What stubbornness? I am the one coming clean here.'
'Yes, but you are still with her brother.'
'Yes, while she is with mine.'
'That's what I mean. One of you has to make the other see this is serious. So, you have to break off your engagement with Liam.'
'Why would I? You don't know Christina like I do. When I end things between Liam and me, that does not necessarily mean she does the same with Elias. And then I am left with nothing.'
'Yes, and since she's probably feeling the same thing, you keep running around chasing your own tails. Listen, Elizabeth. I understand how she must be feeling. She's afraid to let Elias go, since all you have done is tell her how you feel.' I want to protest, but Eleanor holds up her hand warningly to shut me up. 'Words are no deeds, babe. After your messy break up you have made her doubt the sincerity of your feelings. Therefore, you really have to show her you care or otherwise she thinks you're just playing with her and then she will stay with your brother.'
'Eleanor, we have kissed multiple times! If that's not me showing that I still care...'
'Kissing means nothing,' she acutely says, but then she smiles and adds: 'I mean, look at me. I kiss people all the time. That doesn't mean I am in love with any of them. Besides, look at the way you two usually act after kissing each other. First she ignores you for weeks, then the two of you kissed and you refused to talk to her about it. You didn't want to make a thing out of it, if I recall correctly. Hardly prove that you still care, hm?' I blush. 'Playing hard to get, never works out, dear.'
'I just didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.'
'Although I know that, she must see this as a sign it is all a game to you. And tell me this, after kissing her last night, did the two of you talk it over? Or did you act again like nothing happened?' I turn crimson and she nods. 'Exactly. That was what I thought. Now you are perfectly happy again with her brother, acting like nothing between you two has happened after all. And I must confess when I saw you and Liam as I entered the party, I almost believed the two of you were together for real.'
I sigh in frustration, when I find out that she is right. I have totally handled this the wrong way. While it is all so obvious to me, I understand now how things must look in Christina's eyes. The push and pull thing we have been doing the last couple of weeks. Using her to chase Lord Burne away. Using her to teach me how to be the next Duchess. Making out with her, but showing up with Liam shortly thereafter. It looks like I only care for her and want her, when it's practical to me. After hurting her so bad, I have to make more amends and I have to really put my back into this. No wonder we were not together still.
Eleanor pats my hand sympathetically. 'It's hard, I understand. And you've never been in love before, so it is your first time. For the both of you, if I recall correctly. But you must take some risks in love. Words are just words, babe. When they are uttered, they fly away on the wind never to be heard of again. Easily forgotten and nobody can show they really were said. So, I am asking you to show your love in deeds. Show Christina you care. And not by kissing and then hiding those kisses. Remember she can't see into your mind no matter how well-tuned the two of you are. What's obvious to you, might not be for her, especially not when insecurity is involved.'
Eleanor takes another two glasses of champagne from a passing tray and gives me one. She holds up her glass and says: 'To the two of you getting back together.'
I click my glass against hers in a toast. 'Amen.'
'So,' Eleanor leans back in her chair, 'are you waiting for an invitation or something? Go after her.'
'Now?'
'Now.'
'In case you hadn't noticed. This is our engagement ball.'
'I have noticed. But the longer you wait, the harder it will be to prove your love to her. And besides, I don't think time's on your side with this, since your love is getting married in a little bit over a week.'
'Will you go with me?'
'Why on earth should I do that?'
'Because your firm hand keeps me straight and will prevent me from making any mistakes again.'
'Perhaps, but since Christina doesn't really like me, I think it probably best for me to sit this one out. Besides, we wouldn't want her to think I put you up to this. It hardly proves the point you are trying to make here, when she sees that I am pulling the strings.'
'You are right.' I sigh, while nervous butterflies scatter around my stomach making me nauseous. I gulp the champagne down to calm my nerves and feeling all wheezy in my head all of a sudden I get up and stumble across the dancefloor. While I only have drunk two glasses of alcohol I feel light headed and the ballroom floor seems to be undulating. What kind of toxin have we been giving to our guests? This is no champagne!
Just as I am about to fall over my own feet I feel Christina's arms grabbing my waist. I laugh under my breath. Even without seeing her I know it is she who holds me and indeed I hear her warm hoarse voice in my ear: 'All right, let's get you outside, love. I think some fresh air will do you good.'
She almost carries me outside and since she knows her way around here, we are in our gardens in the blink of an eye. She walks me up to our pond, where she wets a handkerchief and wipes my face. The cool night air clears up my head a bit. She kneels in front of me not caring a bit if her dress gets grass stains on it. Her eyes are worried and the starlit sky gives her a surrealistic appearance.
'God, you are beautiful,' I murmur.
She shakes her head though smiling and asks me: 'What in earth's name have you been drinking, love?'
'Only two glasses of champagne. What the hell was in it?'
'According to Elias it is a very expensive champagne from the area you were born in.'
'Paris,' I mutter. She keeps cooling my overheated cheeks and I let her for a moment. My head still feels a bit light, while my insides are churning. I really hope I won't throw up now. 'Christina?'
'Yes, love?'
'We should talk about what happened yesterday.'
She chuckles. 'Probably not the best time to do it now.'
'There's never a good time for these things.' She freezes and even I have to admit I sound rude. Why do I keep messing these things up? It doesn't matter that I am a bit tipsy now, since I mess it up even when I am sober. 'Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.'
'Well, spill it out, love. What did you mean?'
I take her hand and guide her next to me on the stone bench. 'I was made to see reason.'
'By whom?'
I stiffen. 'Eh, that is not really the point. I want to tell you that I realise that although I keep saying that I love you, I never showed it to you properly.'
She averts her eyes. 'Probably for the best, I fancy, since we're still engaged.'
'That's exactly the point. I feel like a fraud this evening. And you know why? Because I will never marry Liam and both Liam and I know this. So, I only showed up here tonight to keep up appearances. And that's wrong.'
'What would you have me say?'
'I don't need you to say anything. I am telling you I acted all wrong. I mean not only tonight by playing a happy couple, which is about to get married. I mean all of these last couple of weeks. Playing the new Duchess, while I am never going to be her. Going dress shopping with you, although I'll probably never be wearing a wedding dress. Choosing a maid of honour, although I will never have need of her anyway. Arranging the perfect big day, while I know I will never live to see that day. I don't actually love Liam, although it must seem so to an outsider. It seems I am a lovely actress as well as it comes to you.' I want to tell her my engagement is a ruse, but still I cannot utter these words due to my embarrassment.
'All right,' she says hesitantly, completely at a loss here.
'It seems I've been acting a lot recently. The only times I don't feel the need to become someone else, is when I am around you. Yesterday for example I was truly myself and I liked it. I had fun yesterday, because I really enjoyed myself and not because it was what society expected of me. And kissing you was...' I sigh longingly. 'It made me feel complete again. Like I was exactly where I was meant to be, because I still love you.'
'Love, I...'
'I understand why you don't trust me in this. I said "I love you" many times before and I still broke up with you after Naomi died. But believe it or not, I do love you. I still love you so much.' She looks uncomfortably and she averts her eyes. I put a hand onto her hand as I continue: 'These are still empty words to you, I fancy. That's why I am promising you now I will show my true intentions to you. I will make you see that I truly adore you and not your brother.' She's at a loss for words and I shake my head. 'You don't have to say anything, my beloved. I just want you to know. I will fight for you. I promise. And now for real.' I give her a quick kiss, but then leave her quickly alone to her thoughts afraid of what she will say, when the surprise at my words subsides. When I look over my shoulder she has not moved an inch, but still stares at the ground unseeingly her thoughts somewhere even I can't follow.