I am crushed. I cannot put it in any other way. Until this very moment I thought I could make her see reason. After making love to her yesterday I really thought I had fixed things between us. I really thought she would leave Elias to be with me again. But her saying those three condemning words changed everything. Yes, I do.
My head is spinning out of control and I am actually very dizzy, as if I am about to faint any minute now. Unknowing eyes would blame my tears to happiness for the union of my brother with the Princess, but these are not tears of joy. These are tears of a woman, who has just lost everything. I feel ill, nauseated and in desperate need of fresh air. Strangely, I feel like running as well. Running away from this godforsaken church, running away from this town, running away from this life.
I don't want to be here anymore. There's nothing left for me here. I want to be happy again and I cannot do that here in this place, where everything reminds me of what I have lost. I hope that a change in scenery will make me forget all of this. Surely there must be a place on this large earth, where I can be at peace again though at this moment the world definitely doesn't feel big enough to outrun my pain.
People follow the newlyweds out of the church to congratulate them and scatter the traditional rice grains to seal the marriage. I follow the crowd as if I am in a trance. It is that Liam is guiding me and his strong arm around my waist is the only thing, which makes sure I don't fall down in a miserable heap to cry my eyes out. His gaze is worried, but his hands are steady.
With trembling limbs I manage to go outside, but when I see the bridal carriage with the tin cans and the white ribbons decorating it. I know what it entails. First we have a wedding party, but after that Christina and Elias will consummate their marriage. My woman will sleep with another tonight and that's the final straw that breaks the camel's back. I've finally reached my limit. Christina is taken. She is no longer mine woman. She is my brother's wife. And soon she will be a mother...
I dig my heels in the sand and pull Liam's arm frantically. 'No,' I say with buzzing ears and a spinning head. 'I cannot do this.'
He looks at me with understanding. 'I understand, but...'
'No, Liam, you don't understand!' I hiss at him. I am already out of breath. I feel like I have been running for hours without a stop. Shaking legs and knees. Breathless. Trembling hands. I have to get out or lose it forever. 'You don't know how it feels to love someone so dearly and then to see that person be taken away by your own flesh and blood. It is unbearable. And this is only the beginning. Being married is just the start. Afterwards, they will sleep together. They will have a house together. They will have children. It's too much, Liam. I am losing it.'
'This is not over yet, Elizabeth. Keep your spirits high.'
'No,' I tear away from him. 'You didn't hear what she said to me. She...' My breath catches and I feel panicked. 'She used me.'
Liam laughs joylessly. 'You don't actually believe that, do you?'
'She told me so herself. She never loved me. She used me to have some fun and that's all there was to it.'
'Elizabeth, that is the number one rule of breaking up with someone. Hurt that person so badly that there is no remnant of hope left.'
'She was pretty clear about it. Aunt Emma believed her as well.'
'Christina is a terrific liar. She has been her entire life, but I know her too well. Her love for you was never a lie. She only told you so, so you would let her go. It's a cleaner break up or so people say.'
Once this thought would have ignited another fire in me, but I was just a soulless shell at the moment. My succubus had pulled my soul out of me roughly and it would never return to me again. 'You are wrong. This is done. I am done. I cannot win her back anymore. She's married and this is the end of her and me. And that's too much to bear.'
I stumble away from him as a drunk, while he calls me back. I don't listen to him anymore, while I make my way through the crowd. There's only one person here, who can help me with this. Who can make me feel a slight of happiness again. Who can make me forget all of this ever happened. The Queen of forgetting, Eleanor Stuart.
And I soon see her leaning arrogantly against a column with a torso on top. She is smoking with a troubled look on her face. She inhales deeply and says through the smoke: 'Well, if that isn't my falling off a horse friend?' she chuckles. 'I guess you're going to give me...' She swallows back her joke, when she sees the state I am in. She pushes herself off the column with one leg and puts out the cigarette with her elegant boots. 'The bitch,' she murmurs and then she pulls me into a sympathetic embrace, which finally breaks down my personal dam. I cry and I scream. Loudly with no inhibitions. I cry so much that I fear I won't be able to stop anymore. My throat hurts, but still the tears come. And still, Eleanor caresses my back commiserating without saying anything. I don't think words are needed here, since she knows how it is to lose your true love. Although the circumstances may be different, she lost her girl too after all. So, perhaps she understands me better than anyone else could.
My sobs and cries don't go unnoticed and soon I see Liam approaching us. Suddenly I don't want to be with him. He would only guide me back to Arlington Park to uphold our complot. But our scheme failed. I cannot win back his sister anymore. All was in vain. And now my being with him would only take me back to a time, when I was with her. A time when I still had a chance. Since he looks so much like her, he would always remind me of the woman I love and lost. I promised myself secretly I would give him a chance if Christina would marry Elias, but now I find that I really cannot.
I frantically grab the front of Eleanor's dress, stammering: 'I cannot go back to the wedding. Please, don't make me.'
She hushes me and says calmly: 'This time I promise I will not. What would you have me do?'
'Take me with you. Take me away from here.'
I look at her heart shaped face as it slowly comes to an understanding. She rubs her raven black hair doubtfully and asks me: 'Are you sure? You know what people will say, when you're being seen with me, the reckless and disgraced niece of England's Queen.Think about what you running away on your brother's wedding day will do to you and your family.'
'I don't give a damn about what people will say about me. I once did, but that cost me everything I am. So, I am done with it all. I just want to get out of here and forget. Forget this ever happened. Forget about... her. If I don't, then...' I look at her pleadingly and she nods her head in understanding.
Liam is close enough to call my name and Eleanor makes up her mind quickly. She smiles naughtily and grabs my hand, dragging me along to the carriages and horses, which are waiting just outside the church for their owners. I hear Liam's pounding footsteps, when he chases after us, but Eleanor is surprisingly flexible and makes him lose track of us in a few seconds. She halts in front of her black stallion and jumps agilely on his back, while pulling me up behind her.
'Luckily, you got me before I got drunk or otherwise this wouldn't have come so easy,' she laughs, while she spurs her horse on. Before we are able to leave though, Liam jumps in front of us spreading his arms and legs, so we can't pass without knocking him over. He is obviously not mad for chasing us across the street. He only looks at me with compassion and says pleadingly: 'Please, Elizabeth. Don't do this. I know you are hurt. I can see that you are, but don't walk away from this.'
'If I want to be happy again this is the only choice I have.'
'Eleanor can only offer you happiness for a short while, since you cannot run away from your troubles.'
Eleanor lays a slender finger pensive on her lower lip. 'I am fine so far and I've been at this for a couple of years now.'
Liam ignores her and adds: 'Please, Elizabeth. Think of what this will cost you. Once you walk this road, you cannot go back to how it was. I cannot cover this up, so I would have to break off our engagement. You will never be the new Duchess again. Think about how much joy you got from that. Think about Laurent and your goddaughter.' Eleanor looks to me from over her shoulder mouthing the words "goddaughter?" silently.
'I took care of them. They will never live in poverty again.'
'But like them there are many others. Who will look after them?'
'I guess your sister could. She loves the common people as well.'
'You may not know it or feel it right now, but there are still those who love you. Will you not come back for them?' His words are like lashes of a whip, hurting me more and more. HIs pleading eyes are unbearable at the moment. I know he's talking about himself. Even now, he would try to mend me. He loves me still and will do everything in his power to make me feel loved again. I know I am not just a toy to him. Liam loves me the way I am. Still, I cannot love him back. Not ever, I fear now. He's too much like her, my lost love.
'I thought too long and too much about other people's opinions. No more, Liam. This time I have to save myself.'
He shakes his head. 'Elizabeth, I am a proud man and I am not accustomed to begging, but I would beg you. Please, do not run away like this. I know you're hurt terribly, but let me help you fight that pain away. You cannot leave like this only because you are grieving.'
'I can and I will. Now move, Liam.'
'Do you really want to shame your family?' The full force of his mesmerizing eyes are on me now and since they remind me of Christina like nothing else could, I actually cower. 'This would hurt your family immensely. Wedding their last son off only to discover their daughter has run away. They don't deserve this, especially not after losing their other daughter barely two months ago.'
I snort. 'I love my family deeply, but I am done thinking about others, since that caused my grief in the first place. Step aside, Liam. I am leaving.' Stubborn as he is, he does not move an inch. He's so like Christina in this, that it only adds to my heartache. 'Walk away, Liam. Let us through.'
'Come back with me, Elizabeth. This is not the answer.'
'I am sorry, Liam, but it is.' I pull at Eleanor's side, which makes her spur her horse on again. We ride towards Liam and for a moment I fear he will remain where he is. At the last moment though he steps aside reluctantly, while averting his head disappointedly. As we pass him, I let go of both Christina's engagement ring for me as Liam's engagement ring, which fall with two heavy thuds on the cobblestones, marking the end of an era.
∞
We ride through London and on to Windsor in complete silence. I feel numb and not only because my legs and feet are numb from the long trip on a horseback without a saddle. I cannot feel anything anymore inside and that scares me even more. It feels like after my uncontrollable crying every nerve and emotion is flushed out of me. Only once did I feel like that before and that was at Naomi's funeral.
I feel like I am not really here. My body's on a horse back, leaning against Eleanor's pointy back, while on the other hand my soul hovers outside of my body looking down on it all with spite and disgust. I know it's my defence mechanisms kicking in and the numbness will soon make way for the all crashing force of my grief. But now I am ready for it. And when the time would come, I would numb myself intentionally.
I don't have to instruct Eleanor into bringing us somewhere to deaden my feelings. She stops her horse in front of a typically British pub with the ironic name of The Royal Misfits. For a moment I am flabbergasted, she deliberately did not take us to a drinking place, where our class would come together. But then again, she tried to hide from her past as well and mingling with other upper class people would not help forgetting, since they would always remind us of what we have lost. Better to mingle with the commoners, so we could really forget.
I follow her inside, where there's already a cheery band playing and people are drinking and dancing, although it's still just after midday. The cheerfulness seems out of place since I have just lost everything. How can the world move on, while I cannot? How could these people sing and dance, while I feel so terrible I would like to lock myself up and drown in my own sorrow?
I keep close to Eleanor, because we seem to attract a lot of attention. I can understand why, since I am wearing an expensive looking purple dress and a diamond necklace, bracelet and diadem. Besides, I must look like a fright after crying my eyes out. We are left alone though, except for a few locals who greet Eleanor cheerfully. It's immediately obvious to me she comes here often.
We sit down at the bar and Eleanor orders two pints of beer. Without tasting anything I gulp down a big sip of beer. Eleanor nods approvingly and raises her glass in a mocking toast. 'To the newlyweds. May they definitely not live happily ever after.'
I approvingly clink my glass against her and drink a few gulps. 'Amen to that,' I mumble.
Perhaps I am feeling a bit intoxicated already, because I see Eleanor clearly making a move with her arm, but am still not in time to evade her. That's why she's able to bump me in the head, making me spill the remainder of my drink entirely. 'What in God's name did you do that for?'
'I told you not to lose her, stupid! I told you to hold on to her, because life would not be worth it without her in it! What the Hell didn't you understand about that, hm? After yesterday I thought you finally did it and you still messed it up. How, for crying out loud?'
I lower my eyes. 'My sister's death turned everything upside down. From that moment everything fell apart.'
'I was sorry to hear about her untimely demise. Still, her death is weeks away! How could you not have been able to rectify your mistake after all that time?'
'I thought our love was real and it clearly wasn't. I fought for a fantasy, a months-long dream.'
'Good Lord,' Eleanor says imprecating.
I feel the need to defend myself. 'I did everything to win her back, but if there's no love between us to start with, why bother?'
'You fell into a trap, you moron. Didn't you see the look in her eyes, when she said her vows? She never looked at Elias! She looked at you!'
'Well, if she did look at me, why is she not here now, hm? Why is she still married to my brother? Admit it, Eleanor. She fooled me.'
'I refuse to believe it.'
'Then you're just as naïve as I was.'
'You drove her into your brother's arms. That's where this love story turned into a tragedy.'
I lower my eyes sadly. I need another drink soon, because I still feel too much pain. 'She never loved me, Eleanor. It was all a hoax. She's a perfect actress.'
To my annoyance she hits me again. 'God, damn it, Elizabeth. Why don't you listen to me? She loves you!'
'Stop it!' I yell and I hit the bar with my fist. 'I will hear no more about her. I came here to forget her, not to reminisce about something that was not real to start with.'
Eleanor looks like she wants to spit her bile. However, she waves at the bartender and orders another round of beer. She shakes her head unbelievably and says: 'I really hoped your relationship would end better than mine.' She hands me over another mug of beer. 'To lost lovers then. May we forget them eventually.'
'Cheers.'
Afterwards we only drink for hours without any talk between us. And with every gulp I take I find myself insensible more and more. Perhaps it is better we stay silent, since I can't form any logical thoughts anymore either. My head seems to be filled with clouds and I feel kind of aleatory. My body shakes however from time to time and it seems like I cannot command my movements anymore. Every movement I make seems uncontrolled and clumsy and when I think of it, it takes an eternity for my limbs to actually perform any task given. My throat is dry and raspy and I have a bitter taste in my mouth, which makes me quite nauseous.
I think it better for me to drink a bit of water, but before I can make it to the toilet, I feel my insides contract and I hurry outside, where I arrive just in time to vomit behind a dumpster in the back alley. I throw up multiple times and when I am done, I fall down on the ground, head throbbing, shaking vehemently and feeling dreadfully ill. The fact that it's still bloody hot outside doesn't improve my condition either, so I am sweating like I have just run a marathon or something of the kind.
Eleanor, who has come after me and watched me throw out my insides the whole time unaffectedly, sits down next to me and offers me a cigarette. 'This helps against that nasty taste in your mouth,' she explains, when I sniffle.
'I feel horrible,' I groan.
'I know, but it gets better. You only have to find a way to hold your liquor.'
'I want to go home,' I complain.
'I can take you home in an instant, but tell me: do you really want to?' She nods to the descending sun. 'The wedding is coming to an end now. The guests are about to leave. That leaves the newlyweds to one thing only.'
Consummating their marriage. My insides churn and this time Eleanor obediently holds up my hair, while I puke again. Still, I cannot get the image out of my head of Christina's lovely body making love to my brother. I shiver again and Eleanor lays me down in her lap, caressing my hair not caring about the way I must smell.
'I thought as much,' she mumbles. I smell the sweet smell of her strange looking cigarettes and I look at them quizzically. They are definitely not the cigarettes she offered me to remove the bitter taste out of my mouth. I think I would like something sweeter indeed.
'What are those? I've always been meaning to ask you.'
She scowls. 'Not something you want to try, babe. These are very addictive. Don't want to tempt you with those. It's opium. The real deal.'
'Will it help me forget?'
She looks uneasy. 'It will help you calm down and ease your pain. You feel euphoric, when you take this. You feel like reality can't catch up with you. But if it will make you forget her, I don't know.'
'Sounds good enough to me. I am willing to try anything at the moment and since liquor wasn't a great success, I fancy Opium is good enough to do the trick.'
Eleanor chews the insides of her cheek pensively. 'I don't know, Elizabeth. I want to be your friend and I want to help you forget her, but I don't know if I am being a good friend by letting you try this. I know what it did to me and still does to me. I can't stop using it, although I want to.'
'But when you use it, you forget about the fact that you hurt a lot?'
'No, I don't.'
'Then why use it anyway?' I don't see the use of getting addicted to a drug, when it doesn't really help matters at all.
Eleanor's looking up to the skies saying hesitatingly: 'Because when I use it, I see her. I see Cassandra. She never speaks, but she hovers in front of me and only seeing this hallucination of her makes this all worth it. I know it is not real and probably my vision of her will not do justice to the real her. But still, this hallucination is all that's left of her. I have no paintings made of her or a photograph of the two of us together. This vision is the only way I can continue to see her.'
She looks embarrassed to say it, but she has caught my attention. For a moment I hesitate: what is my goal here? Do I want to forget about her or is seeing her better to recover from my heartache? I tried to forget, so why not try seeing her as well? I could always decide afterwards which way was better for me. So, I roughly take the pipe out of Eleanor's hands and before she can hold me back, I inhale deeply. In an instant I feel the drug slowly find its way to my body and brains. Just to be sure I did this right, I take another big pull and close my eyes, while the effects of the drug do their thing.
Very soon all of my hurt disappears, just as fast as blowing out the flame of a candle would be. Just as easy. I feel at peace for the first time in months and I don't even know why I was so agitated in the first place. I can't recall a thing, now you mention it. I am no longer disgusted by my behaviour as I enjoy being here at this place – of which I cannot recollect the name – with my dear friend by my side. Who does look worried a bit. Why does she look concerned? Everything is wonderful. What could go wrong?
I lay down my hands on her cheeks and protruding chin, which always gives her a haughty look. She's not arrogant though. She's just a human being just as I am. With her own grievances and problems, which cannot be solved only be obliterated for a while. I trace her cute turned-up nose to her beautiful eyes, which are so green they always remind me of spring growth; bright and soft all at once. Her slim eyebrows are the same black as her hair and long eyelashes.
As her worry grows with every passing minute, she bites her thin lower lip agitated. I caress her lips seductively and murmur: 'You are kind of beautiful, you know that?'
'O, dear,' Eleanor says in response. 'It's as I feared. You are having a bad trip. Let's get you home right away.' She rolls me away from her lap, climbs up and pulls me up after her. The sudden violence causes my head to spin and I fall over my own two feet. Eleanor catches me and says: 'There you go. Come on. Let's put you to bed. This was enough experimentation for one day.'
She must be completely wasted as well, but still manages to lay me on my belly on her horse, while climbing clumsily behind me. She shakes her head as if to clear her mind and then urges her stallion on to wherever she is taking us. While I lie on my stomach and I see the ground pass by under me, it kind of feels like I am flying. I spread my arms. I am a free bird!
It's at that moment, when we leave the bar behind, I see a lonely figure standing in the shadows of the pub. I know at once it is her. I raise my head a bit forgetting my flying aspirations and I look up into her angelic face. Her pale complexion seems to glow in the dark. My own moonlight shadow. Her eyes are icy, while she reproachfully shakes her head at the current state I am in. She's no longer in her wedding dress and wears a simple looking dress, which makes her natural beauty come out even better.
'I love you, Christina.' I whisper. 'I love you so much. Come back to me, my beloved. Please, come back to me. I cannot live without you. Come back. I am so lost without you.' I am screaming all of a sudden and crying again and Eleanor looks at me concerned. I only try to make Christina move, but she doesn't and soon she disappears in the shadows leaving me lonelier than I've ever been. My body goes slack and I can only moan: 'Christina, I beg you. Come back.'