Willow
Sometimes when I thought about dying, I wanted to go out with a bang. Maybe in the future I'd blow up a building and die in the fire, or maybe a crazy shoot out. Maybe I'd die by my own hands, jump into the ocean and just let myself sink, exiting this world surrounded by sea life. Nobody would find me, but they'd know what happened.
Sometimes I just wanted to kill myself quickly, get it over with so I wasn't present on this god forsaken Earth anymore. With all the pain I went through at such a young age, the future didn't seem too bright for me. I was mentally destroyed, and even when things were getting better something happened and I was right back where I started. Matt was going to do great things, he was always better at managing his emotions.
Everything felt like pure shit, I never knew a normal life. I didn't really get to be a kid, my innocence was taken by the time I was seven. The one thing people don't talk about after you're assaulted as a child: for the rest of your life you'll long for the kid you wanted to be. The kid who wasn't used and abused, but a kid that experienced the true joys of childhood.
Wanting certain toys even though you're too old, or to just sit and color pages of fucking Hello Kitty. Getting your hair brushed after a shower by someone who loves you, or being held after a bad dream. While I had to be mature for my age, I still had those childlike features within myself that I didn't let out. It was because I couldn't in the past, and as I got older I thought it was too late. Instead, at a young age I felt like an adult and smoked and drank. I smoked my first cigarette when I was twelve, and never looked back.
I actively started destroying myself before I even had the chance to truly live, and I got that part from my mom. It's hard to break away from what you've always known, and mental illness doesn't help with that in the slightest. Things got better at Wammy's, and being with Mello really opened my eyes to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I deserved love.
He made things better, falling in love with him felt like I was meant to be in this universe. It made me feel like my birth wasn't just a big fucking mistake, and that we were made for each other. He changed my thoughts on love completely, he was it. He loved me, and I loved him. I could fully be myself around him and I wasn't scared to be me, we'd laugh and talk all night.
You know that feeling when you and someone you're close with keep laughing at something and each time you look at each other you just can't even speak? That's how it was for us, our stomachs would hurt and we could barely get any words out. We could do that for hours and never get bored, that's love.
When I thought about dying, I thought of him and Matt. What it'd do to them if I was gone, how fucked up they'd be. At times my brain would tell me it was for the best, and that everyone would be better off without me around. But I didn't want to be without them, the thought of it destroyed me. But sometimes, I was impulsive and didn't think.
When things were finally getting better, B showed up and ruined everything. Just when my brain was finally somewhat balanced from my medication, and just when Mello and I were almost together, he took it all away. Within minutes, I was taken away from everything I ever wanted. The one place I felt safe, and the place where nothing should've hurt me. Wammy's was my new normal, my old life full of hurt and betrayal was left behind back in Ashcroft.
Wammy's made me happy, but only because of the people inside. Mello, my best friend and the boy I fell for harder than I could've imagined. My brother, my other best friend and my other half. We're two idiots together, but he's the best brother in the entire world. Near, my close friend who constantly pointed out my bad decisions but still chose to be my friend. He'd call me an idiot or emotional, but I'd still see that small smile when I cracked a joke. And L, who was like another big brother to me. He was fucking amazing, the smartest person I've ever met and someone who never gave up on me.
Holly was my first female friend, and that girl was otherworldly. She was fun, beautiful and always made the mood lighter. We were so much alike and she brought me out of my shell a lot, I'll always be thankful for that.
I love all of them to death, I would fucking die for any of them. They're my family, the one I always wanted. Matt and I chose our family, and that's the boys. I never wanted to be taken away from them, but even when I thought I was safe, the inevitable happened. A few days after being in my room, I thought there was no way anyone could get inside.
Mello was attached to me by the goddamn hip, and so was Matty. L would check in periodically, and he'd talk to me whenever I was having a panic attack. It was hard, and that constant feeling of dread in my stomach never went away. It was like a bomb getting ready to go off, and at any second I would've blown up.
L sat on my bed next to me, the boys scattered around my room while I sobbed. I seen BB that night outside, lurking in the shadows like he did. The cops once again didn't find him, and that sent me into a downward spiral of panic. Hyperventilating, L gave me a big hug as I cried into his chest.
"This is fucking bullshit," Matt muttered, angry and pacing around my room. "They should've gotten him by now, what the fuck are they even doing? Look at her dude, this is killing me seeing her like this." He looked at me and frowned, and I only cried harder on L. I was losing my breath, and my chest was squeezing so tight I thought I was dying.
The pounding in my chest didn't stop, it only got worse. The sobbing was uncontrollable, and the world around me seemed to melt away. L fully wrapped his arms around me, trying to comfort me in some way. I rested my head on his chest, trying to hide my face that was red and tear stained. I couldn't breathe. This was the breakdown that was building up.
"They will get him, this will be over soon. I promise." L said with slight worry in his words. "Whatever happens Willow, don't stop fighting. You're smarter than you think, you can get through anything."
"I-I can't," My voice broke, my throat scratchy and sore. "I'm gonna fucking die. W-what if I just do it myself? Take away the chance for him to do it." I spoke frantically, getting off of my bed and looking around for some sort of knife, or something to do the job. My mind wasn't in the right state, my eyes were wide and red and everything in my head was jumbled.
I rummaged through my drawers, almost in a manic state and ready to just do the job myself. Near looked at me from the floor, eyes wide and anxious just from watching me. I was losing it, seeing him just set me off and I felt almost psychotic.
"Wil, stop!" Matt yelled as I grabbed my pocket knife, flicking the blade out and sobbing hysterically. The light shined off of the silver blade, sharp with flowers engraved in the sides. Matt grabbed me from behind, pulling me into him as Mello snatched the knife out of my hand swiftly. I fell to the ground on my knees, the never ending tears falling from my eyes.
Near sat next to me and patted me on the back, Mello got angry if he even looked at me but he said nothing. I was losing it, and they just comforted me. If they didn't stop me, I would've pressed that blade to my wrist until crimson seeped out and I was unresponsive. It was an impulse decision, and at the time I wanted to fucking die.
"L, get those motherfuckers to find him or I'll go hunt him down myself. She's scared to fucking death, and they're just sitting on their asses? Call Naomi, get her the fuck down here. Someone who actually knows what they're doing needs to deal with this, the cops are fucking nothing." My brother exclaimed, crouching down next to me and hugging me.
"Please don't do that again," Matt pleaded, his voice cracking. I closed my eyes tightly, hoping that once I opened them everything would be fine. "I can't lose you."
I hated that I worried my brother so much, I know it was hurting him seeing me the way I was.
"Something bad is gonna happen, I-I can feel it." I barely get the words out, hyperventilating and shaking so bad I can barely keep myself up. I felt so cold, my entire body shivered even in my black hoodie and sweatpants.
"I know you feel scared, but please don't hurt yourself. I fucking love you, and so do they." Matt clutched onto me a little tighter, and he lifted me off of the floor and back onto the bed. He covered me up with a blanket, made me take my meds and stayed with me the entire night.
L made some calls, the boys barely took their eyes off of me. They basically put me on fucking suicide watch, every move I made had them concerned. I started to calm down when my medication hit me, the tears were starting to dry and I cried so much I almost puked. The drowsiness took over, and it was getting so late I was about to fall asleep at any moment.
"Willow," Nears small frame leaned down to look at me, and my bloodshot eyes looked right back. Mello was staring daggers at him, glaring from across the room but not saying a word. "Do you want to do coffee in the morning? I will bring over some and I have a puzzle we can do together."
"Yeah, we can do that. That sounds nice." I replied with a smile, the cracking in my voice getting worse.
He's trying to help, and I appreciate that so much.
"Great, I'll see you in the morning then. Goodnight, Wil." Nears voice was soft and kind, and he smiled back at me. He never really called me Wil like everyone else did, so that was a shock to me. I didn't like being called that at first, it just sounded like a boys name. But I grew to kinda like it.
L took off not too long after, he said goodnight to me and even tucked me in like a parent would. Matt took all of my knives, and I even had some throwing stars that I thought were cool. He hid them, and then made himself a little makeshift bed on the floor. Mello came over to me, laying down and covering himself up. I laid towards the wall, and once he got comfy I curled up on his chest so I could sleep.
"I have something to give you tomorrow, I think you'll like it." Mello said, wrapping his arms around me. Our heart beats synced, and he was so warm and comforting.
"This is plenty, you don't have to give me anything."
"Well I'm going to, you deserve it. I wanna make you happy." He whispered, squeezing me a little tighter.
"You already do, Mels. Just..keep doing this, please."
"I promise I will, but you have to promise you won't hurt yourself."
"I..I won't." My tone was tired, and I was slowly dozing off.
"Matty, I love you. Love you both." I said before slowly falling asleep in Mello's arms.
I slept for a few hours, and both Mello and Matt were fast asleep. When I looked over at the clock, it was three am and I had woken up in a panic. My hand placed on my chest, and my breathing heavy. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I was feeling disoriented. My body shivered, I assumed it was Matt who forgot to fully close the window.
The curtains were flowing from the breeze, and the entire room felt like an ice box. It was almost pitch black, aside from a small night light I had plugged in. My eyes were adjusted to the dark, and I peered down at a sleeping Mello and Matt.
"Matt," I spoke, trying to wake him up. Nothing. "Matty, you left the window open." I said a little louder this time, sighing as I tried to get out of bed. I crawled over Mello who didn't even budge, which was unlike him. If I even shifted the other way he'd wake up and pull me in again. As I stood up, dizziness took over and the room began to spin. It felt like I was drunk almost, although I hadn't had any alcohol. I wobbled to the window, the slight breeze hitting me.
I couldn't keep myself up right, I figured that my medication was making me this groggy, as it does sometimes. But that felt different, and I was starting to feel sick again. I held myself up on the window stool, trying to keep myself from falling to the ground.
"Matt, wake up. I-I don't feel good." I stuttered, turning around and breathing heavily. I wobbled over to Matt, falling down next to him. I shook him, he was breathing but unconscious.
"Matty something's wrong, please wake up." A few tears fell from my eyes, and my vision was starting to go.
From the bathroom, I heard dark chuckling from the darkness. Quiet footsteps approached, and I tried my best to stand back up. My legs were jello, and I crawled my way to the door as quickly as I could. When I finally got the strength to stand and open the door, my legs gave out. I looked out only to see the guard unconscious on the ground, and pure darkness.
"Nobody's going to help you, you'll pass out any moment now. It's fun to see you struggle, little Willow." His voice sent chills down my spine, and I couldn't even muster up the energy to scream. My throat shut, and I felt his body slowly approach me. Desperately, I tried to crawl away but it failed. My teeth clenched, trying my goddamn best to stay awake.
"E-eat shit and die, asshole."
His eyes glistened in the moonlight, and his dark clothes made him blend in just like a shadow. He was clean, and his evil smirk made the panic in me rise. He held a syringe in his hands, a few droplets falling to the ground. Whatever he drugged me with was strong, but not strong enough to kill me.
He drugged everyone, that's why nobody would wake up. At the time, I was so scared that they were going to die, that I was going to die. If I was, there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent it. I had no fight in me, and this time he was going to win.
He stood over me, looking down at the weak girl below him trying to get away. When he grabbed my legs to pull me back in, I kicked as hard as I could in my drugged state, and all it did was make him laugh manically. The drugs were kicking in hard, and my consciousness was slowly fading away. Before I passed out, the last thing I seen was my brother and Mello in my view.
This might be the last time, I love you both so much.
And then everything went black.