Hudson
You get me so high - The Neighbourhood
There is simply too much to say for me to ever put into words.
Each thought and idea I wish to display to her on a silver platter bubbles up and fizzes out, evaporating before I can save it.
None of them matter though, if I could just talk to her at all I would be happy. I never knew how much I would need her till I didn't have her. I mean, I wasn't even aware of her existence a month ago, yet now she's all I need. I can't breathe without her. Even if all I have is a version of her in my mind.
I could never imagine a future for myself but when I'm with her it doesn't seem like a mountain to climb, it feels like a path already made, one I can just enjoy knowing she's with me.
"Earth to Hudson" Porters long fingers click in my face, giving me Deja vu and a wakeup call. Eli and Elliott seem unfazed by my subconscious disappearance, I was digging holes in my brain while they were drinking themselves silly.
Ever since Elis eighteenth birthday, him buying beers for us isn't uncommon. Porter sits on a children's swing with Elliott on the adult counterpart, me and Eli are sat in the tanbark. It's uncomfortable and pokes my ass but it's better than trying to squeeze in a toddler safe push swing.
"The house isn't as fucked as I thought it'd be, B's being too kind for her own good once again and cleaned up by herself before I woke up." Elliott tips the brass bottle all the way up and chugs before facing us again.
"Well, isn't that like little Brookie." Eli chuckles before thrusting his bottle into the sand and standing. "I'm going to Jacob's house."
Eli's impatience has always rivalled with my restlessness; they are such similar traits yet somehow starkly different.
"And why would you be doing that?" Porter picks up Eli's bottle, finishes it off before walking to the bin. I feel sad watching my best mate search in a beer bottle like the solution to all his issues lies within the brewed liquid.
"He has the best secluded area, his parents are never around, and the best collection of games." None of his arguments are wrong, Jacob's basement is cool. Regardless of the fact that I've only ever been there once, I do feel shockingly comfortable. I always feel comfortable around him, he has that effect on people. The Jacob effect.
I do, however, think we would all rather keep a distance from the trio, we have a balance at the moment. One I would rather not ruin by getting too buddy buddy.
"But I like it here, it's fun to just get plastered at a park" Porter moves back to his baby swing, but instead of squeezing his ass into the tiny plastic seat, he places one foot on it and lifts himself up.
"Yeah, you would love to just get wasted here" Eli sneers, thumping down onto the floor like a toddler having a tantrum. Porter remains unbothered as he swings in a flamingo pose, about to fall on his face but staying calm. It would be hard to not be calm when you're on whatever he's on, I'm not sure what it is exactly but I haven't seen him fully sober in a while.
"Hey, hey, let's not fight. All we do is fight these days" Elliotts voice lingers as he sits up, I know that was a dig at me and Porter, but I can't think of a witty comeback. I also don't want to. I'm happy using all my brainpower on her. Imagining her beautiful face staring at me with such clarity, her voice whispering in my ear like the angels themselves serenading me.
"Fine we'll have a vote," He hops off of the swing and turns to face Eli, "We either go to Jacob's house, or we do something more interesting"
"And what do you consider more interesting? Injections in an alleyway?"
"Alrighty, I think I'm gonna head off, mums waiting for me so... Porter, need a ride?" The tanbark sticks in my ass, and I have to awkwardly brush it off before going to grab Porter's arm. The man looks ready to kill but I know he doesn't really care, very few things get Porter fully geared up.
"Nah, I'm goo-" His voice cuts of in a yelp as I hook my arm around his and yank it. Eliott chuckles at the spectacle before skulking off, he's always treasured being the hero in situations, but porter isn't a villain to be tamed and he sure as hell isn't a civilian to be saved. He's his own brand of person.
"See ya Eli" And with that I'm dragging Porter across the park to my car. In all our years of friendship I usually only drag his limp, unconscious body, so having him be almost fully aware of his surroundings is a nice change. Except obviously the smacking of my hand isn't as pleasant, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
I'm too grumpy to be fighting with him, or anyone for that matter. I would say I'm an unfortunately grouchy person on the usual but this distance from a person I feel weirdly connected to is just pouring salt in the wounds I've harboured for a long time.
"Let go of me, you big fool." I let our arms drop and he springs out of my hold. "Jesus, no need to beg." He scowls but I can tell he found that amusing, how could he not, I'm incredibly charming when I choose to be.
He's always been a magnetic personality of sorts, although it's definitely faded, I still see him in... well, himself sometimes. When he's sobered enough that his personality creeps through his jagged edges.
"Thank you, Hudson." He looks at me with the clarity of a man in acceptance, and I know how to deal with it. Just like I always do, just like everyone does, pretend nothing has happened. It's my family's specialty and like father like son, I guess.
A slight shiver rolls through me at the thought that I'm anything like my father. I'm nothing like that man, nor will I ever be.
"No way do we go through, what? twelve years of friendship and you still don't trust that I've got you. Even if no one else is, I'll be there Porter, always."
Climbing in my car I hear a small sigh of relief and need not check to know he's asleep. Knocked out like a bird with head injury and just as tragic.
"Hang in there buddy, you'll get it someday."
I've lost almost all control of myself these days, I just can't get why I'm so attached to someone I just met. Normally I see things as a rebellion, a way to get back at my parents, that much I know very well, but I don't see Bett- Bernadette as a rebellious endeavour at all.
I know very little of love and romance, the closest I got still haunts me to this day like a living ghost, but with her I feel like I love her. Like maybe I'm not too much of a messed-up asshole to feel that way, like she might love me back someday.
Definitely not now, I mean that much is clear, but maybe someday she'll see I was here, looking out for her and yearning pathetically for her to open her eyes and want me back.
The car hums to a start, with it bringing a before unseen option of driving wherever I please. It occurs to me every time I start it that I could go anywhere I would like at any time, I could leave forever and find something I love. Something I might actually enjoy instead of wasting my time watching the scenery on this never-ending train, taking me into a life I don't want.
But I push the thought down and get back on the main road, beads of the cloud's tears drop frivolously onto the glass in front of me. I imagine my windshield crying for the singular fact that it's stuck in this town the same normal things, the same boring things. I imagine it feels just like me and if that isn't the most self-obsessed thing you've ever heard then I don't know what could be.
The lights blare on my foggy windshield, and I can no longer ignore the rain, it's falling too hard and although I thought it may never afflict me with such torment it has decided otherwise. I flick my wipers on and watch as the beads are pulled downwards and pool near the bottom, the browning leaves falling on the side of the road blur to lumps of auburn in the corners. It's as if the world is drowning and on fire all in one, and I just watch the sight like a sadistic mother fucker.
His house is hardly a house; he craves to go solo but fears the finality of it all. The repercussions on those he holds dear. He revealed that to me while I prepared him tea and cleaned his mouth from the consequences of too much liquor on a too empty stomach. He never tells me anything when he's sober, I didn't know his dad was such a lazy piece of shit until, like, grade nine or something crazy like that.
I see Iris sitting on the porch as I get closer, she's the only sibling of his that I remember her name. Normally I'm in too much of my own head to really get their identities straight, I'm aware of what that makes me.
"Porter!" My car creates a whizzing array of emotions on her end. Jumping up, screaming a bit and then bolting to us. I let the engine burn to a stop and hop out. "Hey Ri." I've known her since she was in diapers, I'd like to think she feels comfortable around me. I've never really seen her look safe; it's always just a little bit of unease painted on her features that worries me deeply. Even when she's smiling and being the ray of light in such a dark place, which she is the ray believe me, she always has that edge of dissatisfaction that unsettles me every time.
"Hi Hudson, how have you been?" A bright smile is pointed directly at me, even as she attempts to lift her mammoth of a brother. That's just who Iris is, a warm fire there in the cold of winters, to lift everyone's sorrows.
"I've been better. Let me help." I step in just before he can flop over and take her down with him. It's no surprise he's rather light for me, I've heard a thing or two about drugs and weight. I think his tendencies to pick fights kind of cancels that out though.
"Ri, is that a bruise?" I can feel my lips forming a deep frown. She just shrugs in response, "I hit my arm on the kitchen bench, I'll be alright." I don't believe her. I guess it makes sense for her to hit her upper arm on the bench, I mean, she is quite small for her age. But I still just don't believe her, call it intuition.
I don't know much about Porter's life. I never have. After a conversation with him I always realise he found a way to avoid telling me things, to dance around a topic till I forget. His dad wouldn't. Right?
He stirs in my arms as I carry him towards the house, bridal style. "Are you imagining I'm Betty? Imagining you're taking her to a faraway land for your happily ever after." His voice is groggy, even in a half-asleep state he still manages to push all my buttons. "I wouldn't piss of the person keeping you from hitting the ground."
"I'm not afraid to fall." He trails off as he turns back to sleep, rocking in my arms. Iris trails us into the house, walking on my heels to make sure I go straight to his room. I've only been inside their house like twice, even after all this time. We always hung out at mine because... I don't really know why. We both live in totally boring, normal houses, just like every other stupid fucking house in this stupid town.
His room looks like something he would hate with every fibre of his being. The walls are blue and the covers on his bed are plaid. It's rather empty but he can't stand any sort of fancy interior design. He told me if he ever were to have a home it would have to be all shades and no colour. He doesn't hate colour, per se, he just hates it in a home.
I place him on his bed and pick up a group of stray bottles littering his floor. "Thank you, Hudson, for being there for him."
"It's my pleasure Ri, and we both know he's there for me plenty." I ruffle her hair and step out his room. The aroma of his house hits me without his body there to shield my nose. It's a putrid smell, one that wraps around my nostrils and suffocates them slowly. I feel as if I'm drowning in the thick stench. "Are you gonna be okay Ri? That smell is really bad."
"What smel- Oh yeah that's just... my mums nail set up. She wants to learn to do acrylics cause getting them done is expensive. If you ask me, she's not very good." She smiles at me, but I still feel so uneasy, I feel like I should pick her up and just run with her and Porter. But I have no reason to, so I don't.
I get in my car and begin down the same roads I know like the back of my hand. There is no reason to worry.
A/N
Thank you for reading this chapter if you've made it this far then I apologise for the sort of depressing chapter. It has to get worse to get better *I say as they drag me in a straitjacket*. I appreciate every read and hope you enjoyed it. As always, let me know what you think about this chapter and the book so far.
Love to all of you,
Eden xx