Before
Before you I used to wonder what it was like
staring at the moonlight
what life would be like
to have someone good
After you
I realize that gentle caresses and rough play
are not determined by being good or bad
Before you I wondered what
real conversations were
After you
I felt the change
and maybe I am not the one meant for real conversations
Before you
I thought my abusive toxic lover was the poison
After you
I realize that I was the poison too
Hook Ups and Tinder
I held my end of the bargain
I told myself I would move on
That I would hate myself less
I would distract myself
with alcohol and sex
with fake companionship
and fake love
But then you came along
and you felt safe
I never had someone like you before
maybe I said that before
but this was different
I tried to hold onto it
but I knew from the start
that this wasn't a date
this wasn't going anywhere
But yet I started falling
and I forgot to catch myself
I can't tell you
for fear that you'll get scared
and you will leave
now I hate myself more
because no amount of sex or alcohol
will make me forget you
After
After you
there was an emptiness
a void inside me
wondering where love would come from
or if love even existed
I kept my past tight
and my future far out of reach
and it was good
it made me feel safe
I stayed alone for two years
hoping that time would heal me
it didn't.
because I could not let you go
so I held onto the thought of you
the past
never letting myself see any further then tomorrow
there was safety
a warm embrace
of not knowing the future
of staying inside closed doors
and being alone
that way
my heart couldn't be broken
cause after you
I had no trust for the outside world
I moved on,
finally
after 6 years.
then I got hurt
again
I tried again
and I got hurt
again
too many times
too many times
yet I try again,
because after you was all pain
but after them were lessons
and now I look towards the future
and I have let you go
and I would suffer a thousand heartbreaks
then go back to latching onto you
at least now
I can trust myself
even if I don't love myself
or feel like I am enough
I hold on to the support from others
that I am good enough
until the day I believe it to
Your embrace
I was ready
when you came over,
I was ready for a netflix and chill
kind of night
I was expecting sex
and so were you
but I wasn't expecting you
to come around the corner
with your warmth
you sweetness
and the feeling of being safe
if you just wanted sex
a hook up
why would you cuddle after
if you just want one night
why would you stay,
talking about life,
through the sheets and naked bodies
why did your embrace
strike a light in me
that I didn't know I could still have
why did you envelop me
in deep hugs to break my heart
you didn't even have to break it
i broke it myself
because while your embrace undid me
and I gave my fragile heart to you
although you didn't want it
you didn't look to catch it
and I let it crash to the floor
Safe
Safe,
The letter S,
just like the start of your name
You were safe
'what did you want me to say
that someone who looked like you
couldn't possibly hurt me,
that you were safe,
are you happy now'
but yet you did.
You were safety in the moment
you didn't put on your clothes and leave
you were safe
when you pressed your lips onto mine
and I relaized that there weren't good and bad kisses
because good kisses was not a certainw ay anymore
because you were different, but you weren't bad
you were safe
from the date
when everyone has average movies and dinner
we went shopping for food
who does this
when you say friends with benefits
how does this come to your mind
you play with my mind
and you don't even know
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
how do I forget you
how do I lose you
when I never had you
You are safe,
but you aren't safe
you may not chop me up into pieces
through closed fists and hurtful words
but you break my heart
by staying and holding me
for attachment reasons
you being safe
is the most unsafe place for me now
Graham Cracker
For the first time in my life
I found someone
who did raise their voice in anger
who didn't punch walls
or use closed fist upon my skin
you didn't strike your hammer
onto my broken windows and mirrors
you instead
choose to slice my soul,
the remaining parts of my trust
I thought screams and violence
were the way to hurt someone
but you destroyed the only place I kept intact
you took my sanity
adn through it into the trash
by your bubbling suffocating words
filling up the room with no escape for air
with your toxicity
radiating out of you
from your concerns to your manipulation
there is no space
to gasp for air
when you drown me in your issues
while mine stay irrelevant
there is no support from you
and you drag me down
Mountain Top
I pick up all your weight,
and pull you through this heat
up to the top of the mountain
but instead of getting colder through the storm
reaching the top isn't the end
nor is it a fresh start
your own insecurities break the surface
and you can't handle it
so you push and push
until I break again
and now I am back with you
in the same place
and while on top of that mountain
we both drop straight down,
no return, no caution, no retraction of speed
its straight down from here
and honey we reached hell
so tell me again,
how I left you out on the cold
how I wasn't good enough for you
but who put you on the top of that mountain
and who was the one to push us both down?
your anger releases
and you think that's the end
you are back to that middle place
and you ask me to carry you back up the mountain
I am exhausted form your frustrations,
and now piling up my own ones,
my old ones that were thrown to the lake
you reached for them and stuck them on my body
Carry me up this mountain
you say over and over
you break your own legs
and beg me to carry you again
you tear off your arms
and beg me to not be a bad human being
to carry you since you are incapable
I drop to my knees,
the air isn't any cooler down here,
at the bottom of the mountain
there is no wind
and my exhaustion is too much
there's nothing left
so I leave you broken there
because at this point
I can't even carry myself
let alone carry you
a second time.
Mountain Top II
I walk back up to the top of the mountain
this time alone
the heat isn't unbearable this time
and at the top, the storm is gone
and the air is cool and crisp
I feel better,
the wind in my hair
shows me a new beginning.
Looking out into the horizon,
I see you at the bottom,
You are yelling,
but your words are drowned out
by the waves of the ocean on the other side
I missed them the last time,
because you wouldn't let me see
With clarity I breathe a sigh of contempt
the silence engulfs me
sweet silence and peace
I trudge towards the end of the opening
and before I know it
I am deep within the waves
with you I was drowning
but even the ocean keeps me afloat
at the top of that mountain
it was both
a new beginning and the end
for I let it all go,
I may walk alone
but this is the most
I have lived
I reach my hand up
touching the light of the sun
and I am free
At the top of the mountain
I can fly
the journey was almost too much
for my broken soul
and you may still be broken
but I am whole once again
I am whole,
I am enough
Mountain Ends
You lead me here
to the top of this mountain
without you gluing my past and present,
I wouldn't have let him go
The bruises healed a long time ago
but the cuts within still ran deep
but with your suffocation
breaking the light was different this time
You left no bruises
but the cuts were there again
until they weren't
you merged with my past
and that made it easier to let him go
and let you go to
The heat became unbearable as I climbed my way back up the mountain
the storm decided to pass again
the cold bit into my naked skin
and the heat burned
the ice burned
everything burned
I was on fire
But I kept going
and at the top of the mountain
the wind swept a nice summer breeze
and the cold and the heat
combined to a comfortable silence
And at the top of the mountain
was
me
And at the top of the mountain
I was released
I was on the other side
free for the first time
and the weight life from my shoulders
and I flew