The Guide To Moving On

Steve's POV

The very next day, I received a text message from Nat asking if I wanted to go sparring with her. So, here I am, in the gym, warming up. 

My thoughts were still a mess, the events of the previous days playing on my mind heavily. I think I have actually done it. I think I have fallen for the red haired beauty that was currently standing in the ring, arms crossed challengingly. 

I sighed as I walked towards her slowly, taking in her early morning beauty. Yep, I have fallen hard. 

I stepped into the ring and assumed a fighting position, as did Nat. She was the first to make a move, going straight for my legs. I had been ready for this though, and blocked her attack, sending one of my own back at her. 

The last few attacks she has got me to the ground, our bodies getting closer and closer to each other. I couldn't take this for much longer. 

"What's up Rogers? You are pulling your punches, why?" She said as she sent another blow, narrowly missing my face. 

"I could ask you the same thing." I retorted, blocking her punches as I do so. 

"You have been acting weird ever since yesterday morning. Why?" She asked, ignoring my previous question and summersaulting over me and flipping me over, landing on my stomach with a groan. 

"I can't pretend that you didn't say it any longer." I wheezed, deciding it was best to find out once and for all, to put my mind to rest. Her eyebrows furrowed and she got off of me, standing back up and offering me a hand as well. 

I grabbed her and and pulled her down with me, rolling on top of her and pinning her down. Our faces ended up mere inches from each other and I stared into her beautiful green orbs. 

"The other night, when I was trying to get you to bed and you were on those pain killers. You told me that you loved me, did you mean that?" I asked her and her eyes grew wide. 

"Steve, get off me." She pleaded calmly, but I was so in the moment, and I desperately wanted an answer. So instead I stayed there and asked her again. 

"Did you mean it?" I asked her, more forcefully this time. Her eyes grew wider, if that is even possible. 

"Steve, get off me!" She whispered a little more urgently, but I kept her there, knowing if I let her go, I may never get this chance again. I am falling for her, and I need to know if it is in vain or not. 

"Natasha! Answer my question!" I asked her loudly, and her breathing started to become rapid and uneven, her pupils dilating. 

"Steve!" She cried, her eyes filling up with tears and her face was red. 

"Answer me !" I retorted, both of us shouting at this point. She started shaking under me and a few tears escaped her eyes. It was then that I knew I had gone too far. Before I had a chance to roll off her, she used all of her strength to knee me in the crouch, causing me to wheeze and roll out the way in pain. 

She got up and ran. 

What have I done?

Nat's POV

I had no other choice. He asked whether I liked him or not. Of course I do, but my mind is still a mess and part of me knows that love is for children. Another part of me also knows that I have a record for losing everyone I love, I can't lose him too. 

Yet as I laid there, pinned underneath his shear weight, I was trapped. My breathing became rapid and I started shaking, tears escaping my eyes. I started panicking, so I did the only thing I knew would get him off of me. I kneed him in the crotch and then ran out of the gym. 

I sprinted down the hallway and ran up the stairs, 3 at a time back to my apartment. I furiously wiped my fast flowing tears off my face as I ran, but my sobs were becoming harder and harder to contain. 

I couldn't lose him, he is the only thing that I have left. The only thing that makes me feel safe, loved even. I couldn't handle that, and I couldn't answer his question either. 

I could read him like a book, I knew that if I answered him, told him how I really feel, then he would reciprocate. I knew that he had liked me for a while, even if I didn't want to admit it. 

The dream guy, America's golden boy, basically told me that he likes me and asked me if I felt the same. But I ran, away from him and away from my feelings. 

"Natasha!" He called after me as I ran down the hall to my bedroom, flinging the door open and slamming it behind me, locking it. I slid down the door and burst into tears. I was shaking and couldn't breath. 

I could faintly hear knocks on my door, but I was too far gone, I was having a panic attack and there was nothing that I could do to stop it. Everything was blurred, my surroundings not even registering with me anymore. 

I am a monster, undeserving of someone like him. I deserve nothing, other than to pay severely for my crimes. The ledger is dripping red with innocent blood, I don't deserve to love or be loved. 

I am a coward, and I know it.