Newt x Reader || A13

29 | confession

The maze has taken so much away; what are we left with?

Secrets. Missing friends. Shattered hopes. Inky scars. A leather bound notebook. A broken limp.

When will it become too much? We cannot stick around to find out; we are close- closer now than we've ever been. Even it means sending my brother out there, even if it means risking his life, we need to try.

Somewhat accepting of this resolution, I head further into the homestead towards my hammock. I toss the metal cylinder onto it and sit down, head in my hands.

Next to me on the hammock, my parka sits in a heap. Something unfamiliar, however, digs into my thigh.

I peel back the layers of the parka to reveal Julian's leather bound notebook. A knot forms in my throat. I haven't slept in the homestead since he died. I've found some excuse to be outside, to be away from the others and have my nightmares in peace.

I haven't yet found the nerve to read the notebook. I still don't know if I'll be able to. 

But unknown secrets won't do us any good in here. It's a small battle, but one I have to win.

Hands shaking, I flip open the cover. 

A breath before each of Julian's words rips me apart anew. 

- - -

Day 0

Happy birthday.

I can't tell you how long I've waited to write you those words- do you know how long it took me to convince those stuck up docs in records to give me your birth date?

It was worth it. You'll probably scold me for spending so much time on something so 'useless,' something that took time away from our research- your research- because that's you, but I know you'll scold me with a smile.

You'll scold me, laughing, and I'll ask you if it'll always be like this. You'll tell me "always," as you do every time.

I've never told you this, but I know I'll never forget that smile of yours. And I know the sound of that single word from your lips is something I hear over and over. Every night.

They're rare with you- the real smiles, anyways. I don't count the ones you let slip when we're working. I don't care much for the progress we're making on the maze anymore.

I've never told you this, but I've been caring less and less about our results, about Dr. Paige, and about the whole... future of the world, as she'd say, and more and more about something I shouldn't.

I don't know where I stand with you. I don't know what this is, but I know that what I feel is something entirely foreign to the way lab partners are supposed to feel for each other.

I know that whenever we're working, I'm not focused on the simulation before us, or the files we're sorting, or the tests we're conducting. Because I'm focusing on you, always, as you'd say.

This feels like a confession. 

I didn't mean for it to be one, but maybe it is.

I don't expect anything from you. I just want you to know; I need you to know before things are set into motion, and we lose the opportunity- I lose the opportunity.

So, know.

Know that I'm indescribably grateful for having met you. Know that you've given purpose to my work, that you've saved not only the future of the human race in your research, but me as well.

And know that, no matter what the situation, what the obstacle, or what the consequences, I will put you first. I will put you before anything, and I will not have any regrets.

Julian.

- - -

My fist is clenched in the fabric of my hammock as my eyes betray me, salty tears dripping silently down my cheeks.

An ache grows in my stomach as I hastily shut the book. The whole thing is full with pages in our hurried scrawl, but I cannot stomach another minute.

The effect of Julian's words is stifling and I can't breathe I can't think I can't breathe I can't breathe

As I double over, body now racked with sobs, one clear thought forms in my mind.

Somewhere, out in the glade, he's there. He left me, he jumped off that damned wall, and I couldn't even look over the edge to say one last goodbye.

My shoulders shake, and I hate myself for my next thought. 

I've never quite needed Newt as I do now; another wave of sobs hits as I realize exactly what I've done.

How much did it hurt Julian to watch me grow closer to someone else?

How much did it kill to witness this betrayal, having made the decision to not intervene, to not pressure me into anything?

He knew it wouldn't have been fair. He chose to allow me to find out for myself. But what was the cost?

He died before I could remember.

He died before I could thank him.

He died before I could love him again.

He couldn't have stopped this though; no one could have stopped the way I feel for Newt now.

Still sobbing, I fall back into the hammock. Soon, though the fabric is soaked through with salt, I drift off into a dreamless sleep.

- - -

When I open my eyes, it's night. For a moment, I close my eyes, hoping to fall back asleep, but something is off.

It's eerily quiet.

I leap out of the hammock, pulling aside the divider between myself and the rest of the homestead.

Not a single glader lies in their hammock. My heart thunders in my chest.

Ten seconds to get out of the homestead.

Ten more to run to the middle of the field.

My heart stops.

It's night time, but in the darkness, I can make out our imminent deaths.

All four gates of the maze lie open.

A final ten seconds, and the screaming starts.