Connected: Part 4 of the On The Edge Series

Chapter 3

I took his hand and led him to his studio like a child. The second the door clicked behind him, I pressed into his frame. I wanted to engulf him in me; I wanted him to know that I was a part of him and was never leaving.

"Lil, I'm scared," he whispered into my shoulder. "I can't lose you again."

"Hey," I said as I pulled away and looked directly into his eyes, "you're not losing me. Slower doesn't mean goodbye. I think we both agree to that."

He sighed and let his forehead fall to mine. "Okay, so, what do we think slower means?"

"Well, I probably won't be changing my residency from Mary's right off."

"But you always stay here. The kids know that you're staying here. Slowing down doesn't mean going backward." He dropped his grasp from me as he spoke, paced across the floor, and sunk to the tattered loveseat.

I nodded my head after him. "You're right. You've already had that conversation with Viv. There's no need to go backward."

"So, we agree you move in when we get back from Maine." Billy looked up at me with a mix of frustration and hope.

"We have to play it by ear. We know Mary won't slam the door in my face if I show up there."

"I hate this, Lil. I hate not being in control of my own life."

"Billy, no one can control everything unless they live a very lonely life. Trust me, I know from experience." I moved to stand in front of Billy. It was different to look down on him. "Viv just needs time, and honestly, you do, too."

"Me? I don't need time. I know what I want, and I want you. I've always wanted you."

"Billy, you have me. I'm not going anywhere, but that's what you need to understand. Moments ago, you thought we were breaking up again. I get it; that's what happened in the past; we hit a bump and completely derailed. We need to learn to work through problems together." I let my hands fall to his hair.

He looked up at me as his hands lifted to my hips, pulling me onto his lap. "I guess maybe the waiting for marriage thing wasn't so off."

"Um, no. I hope Viv never knows what we do or don't do in the bedroom, so those two things are unrelated.

"Do you now?" He leaned back as some of the tension escaped with his words.

"I do. I think that as soon as we both feel confident enough in our relationship, we should pursue the more physical aspect of it," I mused as I sunk into his neck, peppering it with kisses.

"Tell me more, professor," Billy murmured as his arms circled me.

"A lifelong relationship can't be formed unless you're emotionally and physically connected. Part of our disconnect comes from the physical disconnect, but, like anything, you can't rush it. Both partners have to be ready for such a step." I pulled away from his neck to return his gaze. "For the record, I'm ready."

"Mmhmm, you've made that clear."

"And you are?" I prodded.

"Taking it slow."

I let my head fall to his shoulder in defeat. "Fair; you just let me know when you're ready."

"Well, first, I need to know what the hell state we're in." His words were abrasive, but the anger had drained from his tone, leaving only confusion.

"We freeze, just like this. This is our day-to-day. I'll be around; hopefully, Viv will get used to it. What do you think, Papa Bear?"

"I think you calling me Papa Bear is just as bad as fixating on my pasta pouch. And I think you're right; both kids need to adjust. I need to remember that they don't have twenty years with you." Billy then pulled me off his shoulder to look straight into my eyes. "I'm sorry about the parent thing."

"Don't be. I'm not their parent, and I don't want to be. They have two great parents. I have to figure out my role." My head fell to the side as I thought. "How did your ex fit in?"

"My ex?" Billy stiffened at the abrupt change in topic.

"Yeah, you two were together for a while, and the kids seemed to know her."

"Um, yeah; they knew her."

"What's going on here, Mr. Squirrel?"

"Mr. Squirrel? Is name-calling needed?" Billy shifted beneath me, but couldn't get far without spilling me off his lap.

I grabbed onto his neck to cement my place. "You really don't want to tell me about her, do you? Should I be worried?"

"No, you shouldn't be worried."

"What was her name?"

"Jenny, her name was Jenny." Billy's eyes flickered away before he added. "Would you look at the time? We have to get to Sunday lunch."

"We have a few minutes." As I spoke, I shifted deeper into his lap.

"Why do you want to know about my ex? It's always been you, Lil. She was just another distraction."

"Mmhmm, my sweet boyfriend." I smiled as I brushed his hair from his face. "If you don't tell me, I'll ask Timmy."

"Okay, so she was a bit younger than me," he admitted.

"How much younger?"

"She's thirty," Billy offered, but there was a catch in his voice.

"Oh, that's not terrible. I mean, fifteen years is a gap... how long were you together?"

Billy hesitated before quickly murmuring, "seven years."

"I'm sorry. Did you say seven years?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't like we were together together. It was casual for a long time. I wasn't great with boxes, you know? Like we were friends, and then we were more, but we were also still friends. It just flowed."

"Right, because she was waiting to get her braces off before committing?" I asked.

"Lil, don't be mean," Billy cautioned.

"You were with her for seven years. So basically, what happened is a thirty-eight-year-old you met a twenty-three-year-old and thought, 'that's the girl for me.'"

"No, I met her through work. She's a solid studio musician, and we clicked. It was easy. She didn't want the whole thing, and I was all broken, so I couldn't offer much aside from some fun."

"Seven years is not frivolous," I pointed out.

"Right, yeah. In the last couple of years, she started wanting more, and for a while, I thought I could be more. She started spending more time at the house, getting to know the kids. You know, we were seeing if it would fit."

"And..." I prodded.

"It didn't fit," he declared.

"Why not?"

"Well." he bowed his head to accent the obvious point. "She wasn't you. And, as we got to know each other on a more emotional side, we realized we had little in common. Plus, it was freaky when she shared clothes with Viv." Billy shook off the thought, but not before his reaction pulled a laugh from me. "I mean, it was fine when Viv was stealing her stuff, but when she showed up rocking one of my pre-teen daughter's skirts, it was over." He let the sharp memory fall from his mind before returning to me. "Are we good here?" He prodded, clearly not appreciating my laughter.

"Yeah, we're good here." I slid off his lap, but he caught my hips and pulled me back deeper into his lap.

"Hey, this, the talking; this is what I need. This makes me know you're going to stick around."

I brushed his hair out of his face and looked over his expression as the throb of pain I had inflicted on him for years surged through me again. "I'm here for as long as you'll have me. You take all the time you need." I kissed the tip of his nose before pulling myself from his grasp.

"Unfortunately, I don't know if my mom would agree; we're very late."

"If she allows it, I'll head over with Viv, and you can come with Jackson when he's out of the shower."

"Rule number one of Viv, if you give her the power, she'll take it... every time. I'll let her know you're taking her. She'll be down in ten minutes."

"Oh, I can't wait." I sighed.