Connected: Part 4 of the On The Edge Series

Billy and I sat across my tiny dining table, chewing in awkward silence. The tension between us glued us together and clawed us apart. I retraced the evening in my mind and could only think that it upset him that I hadn't told Luke who he was. I should have; I should've learned my lesson from Sam, but deep down, part of me was still warring that it wasn't my story to tell.

"Billy, I love you," I offered as I pushed my salad around my plate.

He let out a heavy sigh and let a hand flop across the table; a call to me. "I love you too," he murmured as I slid my hand into his.

"Why are you so quiet?" I prodded.

"It's silly and..." He shook his head as though he were trying to shake the lingering thought from his mind.

"It can't be silly if it's been affecting you for hours now," I suggested.

"I guess it's not silly; I just thought I..." His words dropped out again.

"Talk to me. We agreed that we'd talk to each other."

"I'm jealous."

"I'm sorry, you're what?" A laugh trickled through my words.

"I'm jealous of you and Luke. I know it is silly, but I don't like that your best friend at work is male."

"But you're okay with my best friend in life being male?"

"There's another one?" Billy sat heavily back in his chair at this new information.

"Yeah, he's tall with blond hair and clear blue eyes. He's an ass, but I love him. He happens to be your best friend and bandmate, too," I teased.

"Oh, right, Tim." Billy lifted his free hand to tug at his hair. "I know this is my problem. You can be friends with whomever you want, and I trust you. That's why I'm so annoyed. I have no reason to be jealous, but I wanted to pummel him every moment I was near that guy."

"Okay, a little harsh, and I definitely want to revisit this anger management thing you have going on, but first, you don't have to like all the same people I like."

"I know all that. Trust me, I know I'm ridiculous right now. It's just, was he trashing me? I mean, why would he bring up Texas?"

"Clearly, he thought I already knew."

"Yeah, but..." Billy sighed. "I guess this is the whole celebrity thing. I get that he knows things about me or thinks he knows things about me, but he doesn't know me. It's just frustrating."

I stood and moved around the table and settled onto Billy's lap. "I'm sorry. I don't think that was his intent. I really think he thought I knew about Texas. And honestly, he babbles when he's nervous. I'm pretty sure it's on his resume."

"Are you mad at me?" Billy's eyes were wide, giving his face a childlike quality.

"No, why?"

"I should've told you about the whole Texas thing. It's not my most shining moment, so..."

"Okay, well, tell me now," I prodded, as I rested my head on my shoulder.

"It was some hipster that was calling me a sellout. And I had just heard it too much. I get annoyed when everyone wants me to sound like I did when I was twenty-five. Yeah, my sound evolved. Life influences me. And this dude wouldn't leave me alone and... I don't know... I just lost it."

"What do you mean by 'lost it'?

"Well, let's just say, I still owe Tim for the bail money."

"Billy!"

"I know, and I had to explain it to the kids and my mom; oh my mom..." Billy lamented. "I hate disappointing people, and that's what I did. I snapped, and I disappointed everyone."

"So, what happened?"

"Some fines and anger management classes." Billy shrugged. "I'm sorry, Lil. You know that's not who I am."

"I do, but it makes me worry."

"Lil, I'd never hurt you."

"No, of course not. I worry you bottle things up until they make you explode. You need an outlet."

"I have an outlet; it's my music."

"Then what happened in Texas?"

"I don't know." Billy stood, carefully ejecting me from his lap, and paced around my condo.

"If you don't know, how can you stop it from happening again?" I challenged.

"I don't know, Lil. Can we... can we not do this tonight?"

"Billy, we have to have the hard conversations at some point. We have to figure out Viv, talk about relaxing you, calm Timmy down, and figure out all our baggage. We have to deal with it, or else we're no better than before. Oh, and promise ring?" I flashed my hand.

"I won't have that dude be the first person to find out we are engaged. I'm sorry, Lil. I just can't."

"Okay, fair. I love you," I murmured to him.

"I know, Lil; I love you too, but this arguing is killing me. We need to get through this, but it feels like it's one thing after another. He dropped his eyes to mine and added, "should it be this hard? Should I always feel like shit?"

It was a crushing blow that sent panic and pain coursing through my entire body, and he didn't even realize it. "No, you should never feel that way," I quietly murmured. "I'm sorry; maybe..."

"Don't say it, Lil. Don't you dare say it," Billy cautioned.

I gave him a nod. "Let's just chill."

"I can't even remember the last time I chilled," he admitted with a strained laugh.

"I remember the last time we chilled. Remember that night we were reading in bed, and I had that nasty moisturizer from the farmer's market that smelled like snot?"

"It couldn't have smelled like snot; snot doesn't have a smell."

"Oh, we're not getting on that merry-go-round again," I teased, to lighten the mood. "Let's just get into bed, read, relax, and be near each other."

Billy nodded, but there was reluctance and worry in his eyes. I tried to give him a reassuring smile, but my mind was already noting the cracks forming between us, and I didn't know how to repair them or how deep they ran.