Connected: Part 4 of the On The Edge Series

Chapter 16

"Everyone keeps telling me you've changed, that you're..." I cut off my words.

"Including me," he sympathized.

"I like when you talk to me. It makes me feel like you trust me," I acknowledged.

"What?" Shock rolled through Billy, and I could tell he desperately wanted to pull the car over, but we were only half a block away from my building.

"I feel like you think I can help. It always felt like you were shouldering everything before, so I never felt like you thought..."

"Lil, can you hold on?" Billy grunted as he pulled into the garage and parked.

We walked to my condo in silence while Billy firmly clutched my hand. I wanted to ask about what he was thinking. But I remained quiet.

"You're mad," I murmured once we shut the door behind us.

"Of course I'm mad," he shot as he paced to the window while one hand reached for his head and tugged on his hair.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

He swiftly turned at my apology. "Lil, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me," he announced, as though it had been obvious all along. "I know I can be controlling at work, but I never intended to be that way with you."

"You weren't controlling," I offered.

"You felt like I was shouldering everything; that is controlling," I argued.

"Fine, was; it was controlling. You are different now. You are letting me in, telling me your worries and problems with the kids, Sarah, work. I don't feel that way anymore," I countered.

Billy slumped to the couch. "I try very hard to let the kids make mistakes. You have to," he mused. "It goes against my every instinct, but if I don't, what will happen when I'm not around?"

"I can see that. Everyone can see that," I soothed as I slipped beside him.

"I just can't seem to stop myself at the studio. I know it's ridiculous even to try to produce everything, let alone drive the materials, marketing, and everything."

"You are trying to extend your expertise." I looped my arm around him and could feel his lips sink to the top of my head for a moment.

"You frame it with love." Billy's body rose and then fell with a heavy sigh. "It's not just that I want to give everyone their best shot. When I don't have the kids, I feel..."

I pulled away to look him in the eyes.

"I missed you, Lil. You nourish something in me that is otherwise insatiable. Distracting myself with work was one way I tried to ignore it," he admitted. "I love Tim and Tess, but spending a decade watching them fall more and more in love with each other..."

"I'm sorry, Billy."

I dropped my head to his shoulder as my eyes pooled with tears. The depths of his loneliness throbbed deep into my bones.

"When I got here, and everything was so..." He glanced around as though the thought would complete itself.

"Sanitized?" I suggested.

Billy's gaze filled with curiosity as he looked at me. He reached up and gently pushed a tendril of hair behind my ear. "When my mother would think I wasn't paying attention, she would update Tess on you. Your meteoric rise in IT. It gave me validation that focusing on work was the right thing."

"Because that's what I was doing," I agreed.

"But then I wasn't here. I thought you had let go," he admitted.

"I didn't. I never did."

"I know," he soothed. "I get it now."

"I don't think you do. You know I missed you from the letters, but I couldn't share us," I explained.

"What do you mean?" Billy asked.

"I had to pack everything away that reminded me of you to protect us. I didn't want to have memories of dancing to Nina Simone unless it was in your arms. I didn't have a chocolate malt or an egg cream until I was back in your gaze. I haven't even watched an Orson Welles movie in a decade," I elaborated.

"You know I'd be back," I suggested.

"I hoped. I couldn't imagine a world where I wouldn't get to see you again; tell you I love you, even if it wasn't reciprocated. Sometimes, when I say I love you, I don't want to hear it back. I just want you to know that I love you deeply and irrevocably."

"I can't give that to you," he murmured.

"What?" Panic soared through me at the rejection.

"When you tell me you love me, I will have to tell you I love you as well, every time, no matter what is happening or where I am. I will always love you back."

I exhaled in relief. "I will learn to live with it, I suppose," I teased.

"I suppose you will," Billy agreed as he curled around me.