Connected: Part 4 of the On The Edge Series

Chapter 38

"But you didn't. Just focus on that you didn't." Billy smiled as he tapped the card on the door and popped it open for me.

"I know. I'm glad I didn't." I flopped on the bed, realizing how tired my legs were from standing for the past few hours. "Thank you for coming to get me. I owe you."

Billy paused at my words as his back stiffened. His hand lingered on his watch, which he had taken off and set on a bureau when I spoke. His head dropped.

"What's wrong?" I asked, sensing his displeasure.

"I don't want to owe you, Lil."

"No, I know. I mean, just, thank you for coming. I know I didn't give you a warm welcome. It meant a lot," I explained.

Billy turned to face me as he leaned back against the bureau behind him. "Who did you think would come?"

"I don't know. I didn't think about it. I guess maybe Roger or Tess." My forehead creased as I tried to discern why he was upset.

"Remember when I got into my accident, and you flew out?"

"Vividly, it was one of the worst days of my life; the not knowing, the panic." I sat up on the bed as I spoke and swung my legs to hang off the edge of the bed.

"I was so happy to see you. It was a comfort that I can't be explained. Not just because I was in pain, but because I knew you were there for my mom and Tim. For once, I knew I needed to focus on myself, and you being there allowed that."

I smiled as tears filled my eyes that Billy would have that much trust in me. "Really? That means a lot."

"But I wasn't surprised. I knew you would be there. I've always known that when I needed you, you would be there. Even in the last ten years, I knew that you'd come if something happened, and I really needed you."

"Of course, I would. I never stopped loving you."

He recoiled as he sucked in a deep breath, as though I had punched him.

"I want you to have confidence in me. I don't want you to owe me. I want you to trust that whenever you need me, I will be there. Just like I know it, I want you to know that."

"I know that." My voice came as a soft apology. I was on my feet, pacing toward him without moving intentionally.

"Do you? It shocked you tonight when I got there; shocked and angry." His hands continued to clutch the edge of the bureau despite my proximity. He should reach out and pull me to his chest. "I need you to understand how deeply I love you and that you and my family are my top priority."

"I know that," I argued.

"I believe you that your mind knows that. If someone were to come here and ask you what my priorities are, I know you would say that, but your actions prove you don't feel it, and that's on me. I know I have to prove to you that you are my priority." Billy's gaze dropped to the floor between us.

"No," I protested. "You're wrong. I do feel it. I know I am a priority to you and have always been a priority to you." Billy's eyes lifted to mine as I spoke. His rounded shoulders pulled out the fight in me, the confidence in us that had been building for weeks. "I know it because it's built into the universe."

"The universe..." Billy's eyes grew wide with skepticism.

"Yeah, the universe. We are supposed to be together. Everything that has happened to us has happened for a reason. Even before we met, the groundwork was there." Everything clicked in my brain as I spoke.

"You lost your father so young, and you needed him. My dad was supposed to fill that hole. I needed you so badly, and Sam delivered me right to you. The universe was trying to show us where we belonged. You needed me when I came to you after the accident, but not because of your injuries."

"I needed you because my life was falling apart, and I needed to know you would be there," he agreed.

"And I was. I was there."

"But you left. When I needed you after my divorce, you left me. You left the kids." The old anger filled him, tensing the muscles in his neck with a pronounced bulge.

"You didn't need me. You needed to see that you didn't need me to fix that. You were always meant to be the parent you were today."

"Your doubt was from the universe?" One eyebrow rose at the assertion.

"I don't know; maybe." I shrugged.

"I lost our path. It was on me. You always believed in us, but..." Fear of saying it out loud filled me and threatened to buckle my knees. The admission was too hurtful.

"Say it," Billy prodded with a measured force in his voice.

"I didn't believe in us," I admitted. "I'm so sorry. I should have told you then. I didn't have faith that we would work. The life that was there was not what I saw."

Billy nodded. He had known it was coming, just as he had known it then.

"But I don't feel that way anymore. I see our whole life. I see the kids and the touring. Family dinners and arguments, slammed doors and poorly sung renditions of Happy Birthday are all I see. I just..."

"What? What is it that is holding you back from me this time? Why are you going to leave?"

"I'm not, Billy. I would never put this ring on if I thought I would ever leave again. I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you. I will not leave."

He gazed at me for an eternity, weighing my words. "I'm going to shower."

"Okay, I'll be here," I called after him.

I sunk deep into the pillows as the images of Billy on stage cluttered my mind. He was so beautiful when he performed. The ebb and flow of the music course through him like blood nourishing his body. Still, an annoying needling of almost missing it kept bursting the memories. But it wasn't the tire that bothered me; it was work. I knew it was my job to engage when an issue of that size erupted. In the past, it had been energizing, the team banding together to solve and repair. I worked with such an inspiring team, but today it was deflating. Today, for the first time, it felt like it was holding me back and stealing from my life.

"Hey," Billy's voice was soft from behind me. I opened my eyes to see him leaning on the bathroom doorjamb. "I could feel your thoughts a room away," he noted, but I barely heard his words.

My eyes coursed over his bare chest and floated down to his jeans. I devoured the twitch of his arm muscles as he dried his hair with a towel.

"Can you talk to me, Lil?"

"Not with you looking like that," I admitted.

"Flattery will get you everywhere," he joked as he tossed the towel at me.

I watched as Billy tugged on a t-shirt and combed his fingers through his hair before layering on a clean jacket.

"I love you," fell out of my mouth.

A smile broke across Billy's face. "Sometimes I think you're only with me for my good looks, but then I remember I don't have them."

"Not true."

"That's how I know you love me. Only someone truly in love could think this homely face is handsome. Ready?" He added as he put on his watch.

"Always," I smiled. "How big is this party?"

"It's studio people and family, usually under two hundred."

"Will the kids be there?"

"Of course. My mom is coming too. She is always the bell of the ball. I think a few people work at the studio so that they can spend New Year's Eve with Mother Mary." He was willing normalcy with every word.

"Mother Mary," I murmured to myself with a smile. "Speaking words of wisdom," I added.

"Let it be," Billy finished as he took my hand.