Dear Bad Boy || Ransom Drysdale

A/N: Please drop a little vote and some feedback if you have the time, I truly motivates me and I love communicating with you through them.

I don't even notice if the airport is busy.
Every part of my body aches.
I keep thinking of ways to make him stay, thinking of lies that I could tell. Anything to change his mind.
But I don't have it in me.
Linda sniffles as she stiffly boxes her arms around her boy, Walt pats him on the back unable to show a fraction more emotion than his wife.
Harlan cups his face simpering proudly, this is the scene that will break me.
Thinking back to their exchange in the kitchen yesterday morning, the subtle little grandparent/grandchild bond suppressing the impending doom for one day, and now here they are saying goodbye.

He turns to me. Fuck. It's my turn.
I shake my head, "no."
I don't want to say goodbye. But he wants to, and it's all about what he wants right now.
He stands towering above me like he has done a thousand times before but this time it was different, this time it felt final.
He presses his forehead against mine, and my legs go weak. Please don't leave me.
"Can't I buy a seat on the plane? I can fly to London with you then fly home." Tears perpetually flow down my cheeks. We could have another 9 and a half hours together, what's the point in having all this money if I can't do what I want with it.
I hate that he will have to sit in the departure lounge on his own. We could have some more time.
"I could buy a seat on any plane just to sit with you till your flight boards, please Ransom." He shakes his head scoffing sadly, "please." I whimper.

"You have to look after my car." He hands me the keys to his precious beemer.
"Fuck your car, I want more time with you." I choke out through strangled sobs.
He kisses the tip of my nose, "Joni will give it to Meg, and the fucking brat will ruin it." He clamps my hand over the keys.

The man standing in front of me is what I want, but I'm not what he needs. What he needs is to go and grow, and be proud if himself, to be able to look in the mirror and love the man he sees, just the way I love him. Despite everything we have done to one another, I love him.
I love him.

That's why I am letting him go.

I move away from him nodding my head. Offering him a sad smile as I pull myself out of his reach. I have to go, I have to leave.
I turn my back unable to watch him check in, when he disappears behind the sliding doors who knows when I'll see him again.
I savour the last kiss we had, the one in bed last night.
That's the one I will remember for the rest of my life.
I walk towards the automatic doors desperately wanting to be outside, to be away from this wretched place. 
"Hey! You!" He calls out jumping over the barriers leaving his passport ticket and bags with the woman at the desk.
I ignore him continuing to walk away, "hey! I'm talking to you." Ransom shouts his voice becoming louder as he chases after me.
"Don't take another step." He yells, I hear his footsteps slowing behind me as I stumble forward to the entrance, "I'm warning you." He growls.
Slowly turning my body to see his blotchy red face and eyes welled with tears.
He grabs my arms pulling me into him, I melt into his chest my entire core shuddering underneath the weight of sorrow.
I can't breathe, I' am so utterly heartbroken that I think I might die.
Ransom breaks our embrace cupping my soaked face in his large hands dipping his head to lock his eyes with mine, "I love you." He sobs attaching his lips to mine, the salty taste of our heartbreak leaking into our mouths.
I want to scream at the world, why is life so cruel.
Will we ever get our chance to be together?

"Look after this for me will you?" He places something in my hand and closes my fingers over it, I open my fist to see my cherry stalk dry and brittle but perfectly preserved in the little knot tied by him all those years ago. I had forgotten about it.
Ransom begins his slow walk back to the check in desk, wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve.
"Hugh Ransom Drysdale!" I call after him, he stops dead and turns to look at me, much to the line of waiting passenger's dismay.
I trace my cupids bow with the stalk recalling the way it made me feel back then, bringing it all those emotions back to me. I press it to my lips gently before grabbing his hand.
"Give it to me when you come back." I close his hand over it, I brush my lips on his fist.
"I love you." He breathes through broken sobs.
"I love you more Ransom."

I couldn't bring myself to watch him disappear through the sliding doors.
Instead I sat in his car by the runway sobbing for three hours, imagining that he could see me from the plane window. Wondering if he was sobbing too.
The other half of my broken heart soaring into the sky.

***

FROM: HRD
Landed in Syria about an hour ago, on way to base. Reception is awful. Will drop you an email when I get settled. I meant what I said. I love you.

TO: HRD
Be safe.
I love you more.

I call Harlan to let him know that Ransom has made contact, he was able to breathe a sigh of relief. I don't know how. I feel like I'll hold my breath till he comes home. Six months...
How am I supposed to live like this, under this constant weight of worry?

***

I drum my fingers next tothe mouse pad on my laptop the loading circle moving frustratingly slow.
BEEP
His face appears lighting up my screen, "h-h-hii!" Ransoms voice stutters.
My body vibrates with nerves; I am just so relieved to see him for the first time in a month.
"my god Ransom, you're filthy!" His face is black and so are his hands as he tries to wipe away some of the dust.
"yeah there was a bombing just outside the city, I got caught in some of the debris." His hand shakes as he takes a sip of water.
Fuck.  I feel sick.
"How are you?" I try to keep the conversation light, he looks exhausted and I can see from the clock in the background that it's a little after 5am, he's been up all night.
"I'm okay, this connection is terrible." He slams his fist on a box next to the computer, "I'm sorry I keep missing your calls." He rambles fiddling with a pen looking down as he scribbles notes.
"Ransom...?"
"Mhmm." he looks up into the camera,
"are you okay?" I bite my bottom lip reminding myself to stay strong, he must be terrified.
"I'm fine Eva. I uh...I have to go, I have to get these words down while they are still fresh in my head." He stands up ready to close his computer.
"Okay, talk soon.  I love you." I breatheout suppressing the ball of vomit that sits heavily in my throat.

"Yup." He pops, dipping his head quickly he ends the call.

I stare at the blank screen, numb.  I don't even know where to begin.
I don't know why I thought the conversation would go differently; he is in a war zone, witnessing horrific scenes and having to relive them to report them to the world.  So why did I think we would discuss the weather or what we were having for dinner?  I check the time stamp on the call, 2minutes28 seconds.  I waited a month to speak to him for 2minutes and 28seconds, and yes, I am aware of how incredibly selfish I sound right now but I wanted longer. 
Even if we had just stared at each other not saying a word, it would be better than that.  Then again, would it?
I've spent the last twelve years wanting more from him, and he couldn't even tell me he loved me too.
God I am so self-centred.
Stop it Eva, how about you worry more about the fact that a bomb could be dropped on his head at any given time. Instead of focusing on the fact that he didn't say it back.
He was in shock, the way his hand was shaking. He was frightened. 
I hate that he is frightened.  Why did he have to go there?

'Yup' I cannot think of a word I now loathe more than fucking, 'yup.'