No words needed [L x Reader] ? Death Note

He'd never felt this way before. At first he wasn't even sure what it was, he was aware of what affection felt like. He felt it for his successors and his foster father of course. But he'd never felt romantic affection before, a crush.

So it took him a moment to realise that's what had happened.

He'd gone and gotten a crush on you.

L usually took a really long time to warm up to someone, so he wasn't expecting it to happen so fast. You'd only known each other for what... a month? And he was already feeling some type of way about you. Maybe it was how nice you were to him, maybe he was just starved of affection and leaping at the chance. Either way, he'd had the shocking realisation last night while trying to sleep.

He tried to continue his work as he always did, but Watari threatened to revoke cake rights if he didn't get some sleep. So there L lay in the hotel bed, staring up at the roof unable to sleep thinking to himself.

'Holy shit.'

He's never had a crush before. Well, not on a real person. Teenage him saw the Aadams family movie and immediately fell for Morticia. But she (unfortunately) wasn't exactly real. Also she was married so...

You on the other hand we're someone he actually knew in real life, a real person. A person who made him question things about himself at times. A person who was kind and caring to him despite his short comings. He could barely even talk to you, how the hell can he even go about uh... relationshiping? With you. He know nothing about crushes or how to navigate them.

L read a lot when he wasn't working on cases. He'd read many, many books in his days. Ranging from psychological studies to kids picture books. He just read whatever seemed interesting, and over the years of reading he'd noticed a difference in the way men and women write relationships. And another difference in the way queer people write relationships.

Romance written by men tends to be very traditional. A strong, charismatic man protecting a weaker, shy girl that falls for him. He didn't really like that depiction, it wasn't something he could relate to.

Romance written by women tended to be very poetic, very affectionate and filled with yearning. He found this depiction a little better, as the appeal of having someone to yearn for was a universal experience. He too felt the yearning to be loved.

And queer romance was always very bittersweet. Having to overcome the discrimination that comes with the identity, having to come to terms with the hardships, but in the end when you find that person that competes you, it doesn't matter what their gender is.

His favourite type of romance stories were that of yearning, two characters supporting each other through thick and thin, understanding one another, the urge to write love letters and decorate them with lipstick stained kisses.

Maybe it was the fact he never witnessed a healthy relationship growing up, his parents being the exact opposite. But as he grew up and understood how bad that was, he wanted to break that cycle if he ever found love. He wanted to have a healthy relationship, one built on trust and communication. Not arguments and cheating allegations.

So when he lay there, awake with the sudden realisation he had a crush on his new coworker he was at a loss. Call him feminine but he wanted that type of relationship you see in books written by women and queer people.

Finding someone that's on your wavelength, someone that understands you, someone to help you carry the weight of your hardships, someone to relate to, someone to cry to, someone to hold close and whisper sweet nothings too.

He'd never had that, he'd never witnessed it outside of stories. But he wanted it. For the first time in his life he had a proper crush, for the first time he wanted to be held and told he was loved for eternity by one specific person.

He wanted to protect you, but also be protected by you.

But he couldn't even talk to you...

He fell hard, and fast. And yet he couldn't even say your name.

He couldn't sleep, he had to many thoughts. So he sat up and looked around the room for something to do that would clear his mind so he could sleep. Looking over at his open suitcase with half his stuff thrown around it, there were two empty notebooks he'd bought for the soul purpose of talking to people he encountered on the case.

If he couldn't talk, maybe he could write.

He pulled one of the notebooks out and turned on the lamp next to the bed. Picking up his strawberry pen he opened the book to the first page.

They do this in all those stories right? Likes diary entry.

So... I have a crush.

I never thought I'd be writing that. I never thought I'd even make friends but here we are I guess, this job is mainly anonymous but you do need to communicate with people sometimes. That's how I was lead to (y/n). I bought them on board to solve a poison case, as this case started off very difficult even for me. In fact it still is difficult it's been a month working together and we still don't have a name for our suspect. But apparently I picked the right person, not only do they excel at their job, but I like them.

I really, really like them.

I can't even talk to them though. This stupid mutism has never been a bigger problem, usually I can deal with it but I can't talk to the one and only person I've ever felt romantic for? I'll admit it took me a while to even realise it was a crush in the first place, but god how can I like someone I can't even talk too?

I tried, a few days ago. But the words for stuck in my throat and nothing came out. I felt like crying, that sting in the back of your throat when you hold back tears. It was like that. I can't force myself to speak, last time I did that I had a breakdown. But if I can't talk to them how can I even have a relationship with them? I mean people have done it before, but usually both parties know sign language or something. They can still talk but not with words. Writing everything out works in our current situation, communicating about the case and such.

But how do you go about crushes if you can't talk?

I don't know. I guess my mind is just a mess because I wasn't expecting any of this. Also I've been lying down and not sitting how I usually do so my deductive abilities have dropped about 40%. Usually I'd curl up to sleep but Watari threatened to revoke my cakes for the day if I didn't stretch my back out.

I suppose I should just work toward talking to them? That might take a while though.

Why did I have to develop this? Sometimes I wonder if I was actually born with it, it's all I've ever known.

Either way, I wish I could talk better. Although not talking does have its perks. I need to get my head straight, and some sleep.

Maybe some sleep and sugary tea will help.