My Poems and Other Writing

Beholding everything I hold dear
From past affairs, loving stares
and playing with truths or dares...

a tired soul that has dealt with it all
From lies, goodbyes, and many things
That went awry

Ending my respect for myself
Because it clipped onto a love lost forever
and still, my heart wants to get better

I relapsed. The monster took over again.
I tried my best, put my efforts to the test
And I failed.
And so I wailed.
Because my love for myself is conditional.
It's always been that way for me.

I've been with lying thieves and princes
a nasty troll and a princess who stole glimpses
And still, I'm the monster.
I'm not capable of being loved.

I struggle with what I created.
I struggle with deciphering
what love and beauty are to me.

A mysterious, dark ocean?
An endless dazzling galaxy of stars?
A forever green forest of whimsical
motion?

I don't know. But when I see HIS face.
I hope to see a man who won't hurt me.
God and It have stayed. But men have not.
I prayed good love come to me. And it did.
But I want pure, great love.
I want warmth and safety and trust.

I want someone whose beauty
is beyond all that I've beheld before
His soul, mysterious like the ocean
His eyes, sparkling like the stars
His body, forever perfectly created like nature's divine
And his voice, forever truthful and kind

For where others see bad,
I know there's good
For I know there's those
who will stain in their guilt they tainted
As I have with my troubled past.
There's a monster in me.
And it craves to destroy what I need.

It lusts over the sin of man.
While I long to love
the beauty among men.
I am eternally devoted
to be among my own,
loved by all who meet me
and to make a mark that will change lives for the better.
For good.
Because as monsters do, I do not dare become a corrupter who destroys himself
To gain what he does not need.
It only feeds and kills my fragility
Into vulgar and hyper-vigilancy

There's ME in monster.
And if I take a step back,
there's also NO.

Am I afraid to let love in even with what I already know?
Yes. Because of the lies and how sad my mind is.

I am a tired soul that has dealt with it all
I leave the lies, relapsing times, along with
All the many things that went awry.

I just want a good, loving life.
Where I don't pity the lust and love, I always seem to find and always lose behind.