The Diary of an obsessive idiot(diary 4)

going through withdrawal from my medication, feel like shit, my head ain't right and my grandparents are both dying cause my life is fun. anyways, rambling.

do you ever think that one of your closest friendships is practically a parasocial friendship? i mean i practically have four friends none of who i ever really see.

right so there's this asshole, i'm just gonna call him cunnie. we went to school together and the dudes an absolute wank, but he's fun.

my cousin, we're not that close anymore, she lives states away but she's family and one of the only relationships i have with my extended family, if i need advice i like to think i can turn to her

my  childhood friend, female version of me minus the braindeadedness (that's a word fuck you)

and then there's the dipshit i've been chasing after since i was a kid, afore mentioned parasocial relationshipd, it's hard to word how i feel about her. i "love" her for sure, but the in what context i use that word eludes me. i'm embittered that she's rejected me, that i've been chasing her shadow for so long and she's never reciprocated. she's intoxicating but she keeps me at an arms length yet refuses to let go, i don't know if i want her too or not. and now i'm rambling about her, you get it i have strong emotions about her.

but overall i feel alone, isolated, no matter how hard i try i'm always seperated. i'm starting to get along well with some of the nurses at work, they're nice, but at the end of the day we're work-friends and i doubt that'd change, i mean if it does great but i don't see that happening as i present like a child ( a ripped child mind you, i be getting swole) ultimately i'm isolated, i feel like i'm not meant for society, not supposed to have meaningful relationships, at least not reciprocal ones.

womp womp now i'm getting random chills and my head hurts, pro tip don't forget to take your meds. 

mind you if you have a mental illness and you're worried about starting, don't be a pussy and just start, you can always go off. i was worried i wouldn't be me any longer but i really didn't realise but at that point i wasn't myself, i'm the same person, but i didn't have the capacity to be myself... wording the feelings weird.

isn't it funny how people act like you're being drugged if you take medication, like haha thanks i love having a mental collapse from just leaving the house, i'd much rather living paranoid getting up 20 times a night being paranoid i didn't lock the front door freaking out everytime i heard the leaves rustle outside, like cunt shut the fuck up you have no idea, you where blessed with the ability to string thoughts along in a coherent train of thoughts, you could communicate properly with people, shit we've all got a diagnosis but the difference is you don't have to take mood stabalisers, multiple antisphychotics, and general anxiety meds for said anxiety, i take 3 different medications (which mind you are highly restricted controlled substances) to manage my adhd.

fuck i'm pinging, peace the fuck out.