The Diary of an obsessive idiot(diary 4)

I'm spiralling, it's the middle of the night, i have a splitting headache and I'm depressed so let's do this.

So the chick I've been chasing after recently, wording it differently I've been chasing her for years. I've been infatuated with since I fucking met her, and I've always wanted to be with her romantically before I even knew what that meant, I suppose I don't know what it means still, and we've known each other for what? Maybe 10+ years, never once did she express that she reciprocated, and it bugs me to no end. In highschool tash was a good distraction, she was nice and I did wrong by her, and when shit went belly up where did I end up, back at her. I don't even know how to word what I feel.

I've thought to myself on multiple occassions that she's like a lottery ticket, you know you're never going to win the lottery but you buy the ticket just so you can have the brief dream before it's washed away.

Ultimately though nothing I do or say will make a difference, God I want to go on a self pitying rant, I know I'm weird and broken, and the world knows it as well, I'm not someone people have romantical feelings for, I'm something to be protected, kept at a distance from the reality. Cursed to be isolated by my nature. It's no-ones fault, I suppose apart from my own.

I do "love" her, I always have, but I'm not sure I know what that even means, I doubt I'll ever get the opportunity to find out. Not knowings not the worst part, it's the part where she gives me hope, that one day I can be with someone I care for and be cared for unconditionally.

She's got a life of her own I know that, she probably has a boy/girlfriend, I have a suspicion of someone she could be dating but I have no proof and she wouldnt tell me, my point being she lives her own life, I've got to accept that. I'd love to be a part of it but I feel as though my efforts are one way, she doesn't call me I call her, she doesn't initiate messages, she doesn't plan to visit me I do her.

And that's another issue which magnifies the stupidity of my emotions, she lives in another state, the only way to travel there is a minimum of like $200, and yet my half-witted self somehow in the back of my mind still thinks it could work, I know it wouldn't but the "what if" thoughts remain.

I don't know why I complain, I don't know why I write this, I suppose it's cathartic. I'm tired and my life just seems to be rather shit at the moment. I know I won't give up, it's my worst quality, weird and creepy persistence, but even knowing this I continue head first into the brick wall.

I don't know whether writting this is me trying to be honest or what the point even Is, but now I'm repeating myself.

I don't know whether I'll post this in the morning, but for now I'm going to sleep, goodnight.

yh i wrote this last night, can hardly remeber what i wrote...