suicide notes 「 jungkook 」

정신없이 휘둘리다 결국 눈을 감지,
mindlessly going around until i close my eyes,
꿈과 지금 사이를 또 한번 의심하고.
i'm doubting this moment between dreams and reality.

I hadn't spoken to Jungkook for five days.

And, surprisingly enough, this time I was the one doing the ignoring.

For the few days that passed after Jungkook kissed me for the real first time, I would look down at the ground whenever I saw him in the lobby or in the halls of our apartment building, hoping that he wouldn't see me or try to talk to me. I would be lying if I said I preferred the distance, or that it didn't worry me, or that I didn't feel a void in my chest when he wasn't around, but I just needed some time to think, to process all that had happened so suddenly, so spontaneously, so out of the blue.

But that was all practically impossible when he literally lived right next door to me, and when he'd make me fall even more for him when he sent me a text or two every day asking how my day was or telling me he was working on a new song that I forced myself to ignore or give a very simple reply to, and when he showed up at my door two days ago asking if I was home, and I had to tell Taehyung to not let him in because I couldn't face him yet.

Taehyung and Seokjin were both worried about me; I could tell. They noticed how I'd lock myself in my room as soon as I came home and just write like crazy, and how I'd barely eat anything when they forced me to come eat dinner. They must've figured out on their own that something had happened between our neighbor and me, but I involuntarily shut down any time they would ask about it.

And Jimin, Hoseok and Namjoon also noticed my odd behavior, and were undoubtedly concerned for me, but chose to let me have my space as they chatted at the lunch table, all the while giving me troubled expressions they thought I didn't notice.

I knew it was killing them to see me like this, and I felt so guilty about my actions towards everyone I loved, but, like I said, I needed some time for it to all sink in so I could try to make it out of this never ending, what-in-the-world-do-I-do labyrinth.

However, no matter the distance I'd been trying to maintain, I still slipped a note under Jungkook's door every morning before school, telling him how much talent he had and how worthy he was for everything the world had to offer and how I hoped he'd feel better soon.

But I always left out the thought that was echoing in my head, begging to be said or written: that I was in love with him and I needed to figure out how I would deal with the uncanny epiphany I'd had as soon as his lips caressed mine so sweetly.

It wasn't my first kiss. That was taken by a boy in middle school that wanted to 'date' me, or whatever the middle school equivalent to that was. I believe his name was Jaehyun. It happened one day at recess when he'd taken me to 'talk' with him behind the rock wall that blocked the teachers' view of us. I hadn't expected it, and it was just a shy, innocent peck on the lips, but it was still my first kiss and I'd never get it back. He'd moved that summer, and I never saw him again.

But even though Jungkook's kiss wasn't my first, it still felt like it was, because I could feel the deep and raw emotion behind it as he held me, and I could feel my stomach doing flips and how, for a second, I never wanted it to end.