Let go

Ashlynn

'IN YOUR FACE BITCH!'

'Language.'

'Yes mom.' Giving Jin a wink, but still looking at an upset Rapmonster. This boy doesn't like to lose. One second after I entered the livingroom he told me full of pride how he had practised the last couple of days. 'Sorry joonie then you shouldn't pick Hallo 2 to play me. You're on my terrain now.' At least he is taking his defeat better then my boyfriend who is still sulking in the corner. I don't think he is used to losing because he is so darn good at everything. Also I feel like all the hyungs go soft on him because he is their maknae and they treat him like the precious baby he is. 'They havent come out of yoongi's room yet.' Jimin notices and can't help but say it accompanied by an eyebrow wiggle. 'Yes.' J hope says it all disappointed because I think he enjoys hypering out with Cassia. When they speak they both go so fast that hardly anyone can follow them, but themself. A powercouple I tell ya. To be honest I have been keeping track of time and she has exactly been in his room for 94 minutes. She better come out soon so we can 'accidentally' go to the toilet together and she can give me all the dirty details.

'It would be about time that he made a move.' Namjoon mentions as he then irritately throws the controller across the room. He died again and he is 'done' he says. 'Oeeeeeh someone can't take his loss. Joonieee is a crybaby.' He shoots him one of his most intimidating, deadly glares, but Jin just keeps on smiling. He wiggled his way between Jungkook and me again which didn't make the latter to happy. But he mentioned that 'Jungkook had already seen me for three days in a row and he hadn't.' His arm is loosely hung around my shoulders. Jin is that adorable caring guy that feeds everyone and that just like Joon takes care of everyone. Tonight he has made thousand of snacks and I try another one. 'Oh my this is so good Jinnie.'

'I helped.' Jungkook gives me a big proud smile, which is only met with laughter from all of the guys. Jimin decides to expose Jungkook: 'Is watching and tasting the new definition of helping?' And so the rest of us laugh even louder. The already grumpy (because he lost) Jungkook decides he has had enough as he goes to the kitchen. 'Aaahw baby don't go.' When it's quiet I repeat myself for a thousandth time watching Joonie and Jinnie tickling eachother. 'Joonie and Jinnie sounds really adorable. Maybe I have mentioned it before?' The both of them are immediately so done with me. '5 times already and that's just tonight' Jin sighs. Joon adds: 'We get it. You ship it.'

Suddenly loud screaming is heard in the kitchen. Namjoon gets up, but as he listens a bit more he sits back down. The rest of them drop everything and listen too. It's Jungkook and Tae. Tae sat with us at the beginning of the night and not to long after excused himself because he had to do 'a thing.' I still feel so guilty and it just won't really let me go. Every time I think of him this huge feeling of sadness comes over me and I understand feeling guilty for hurting him but this is intense. The shouting becomes louder and I just have to ask. 'What are they saying?' The silence that unfolds after says more then enough. Suddenly Cassia and Yoongi barge in 'What's going on?' Cassia asks. Yoongi listens just like the other boys and decides to remain quiet just as well. And so I know exactly what this about and I feel like crying. This is exactly what I didn't want and why I kept both of them at bay for over a month and a half. Jungkook promised me he would fix this and he would talk to him.

It sounds like it's going well... no that's not fair Ashlyn. Jungkook hardly has had any time, he was with you all the time. I don't want to destroy their friendship. I hate this. This was never my intention and my mind is frantically trying to find some sort of solution but it keeps on coming up blank. Cassia is still confused as her Korean is even worse then mine. 'Is anyone going to explain what.....' she stops midsentence as she sees me shake my head. Then she finally connects the dots and she walks straight to the kitchen. No what the fuck are you doing you will only make it worse I want to scream. Putting only her head around the corner it suddenly gets quiet. 'FYI everyone can hear you guys.' Then she turns around and like there aren't still 5 other boys in this room that can hear her she lowers herself in front of me. 'This is not your fault.'

Oh god stop. She and I need to have a good conversation after all of this is over. Just because she has abondend all shame doesn't mean I have to join her in insanity. Luckily the boys immediately back her instead of attacking me for being the reason their friends are fighting. 'We told them from the beginning that they were going about this in the wrong way. They are stubborn and we warned them it would get nasty.' Yoongi gives me a sympathetic smile like he understands how I feel because he has probably reminded the two boys in the other room for the past 2 months. 'Exactly. You chose. The way they deal with it now has nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong.' Cassia throws it on top of what Yoongi said. Isn't she afraid they will get angry at her or something? But we are only met with nodding around the room. J hope gets up and decides that 'WE SHOULD ORDER FOOD.' It's his halfhearted attempt to lighten up the mood and move on from the subject. Jimin goes on to put on some music and J hope and him start dancing. Cassia tries to talk to me, but Yoongi grabs her hand and literally pulls her with him. She gives me an apologetic smile and then I cannot believe my eyes as he pulls her to sit on his lap. Holy hell we really need to talk she and I.

I can hear her whisper to Yoongi that she should talk to me but then Tae and Jungkook come out of the kitchen. Tae flees to his room without giving us one glance. He looks so so sad. Jungkook tries to sneak past me to sit somewhere else but I manage to grabs his wrist and pull him towards me. He is going to talk with me right now even if he doesn't know what to say. He won't look me my in my eyes and I get up and pull him with me, still holding on to his wrist. When we arrive in his room he doesn't say anything. 'Let's watch a movie.' And I get it he doesn't want to talk about it yet. To be honest I am a bit scared of what I am going to say so sure let's watch a movie.

When we have watched two movies already I know we can't stall this any longer. 'I can't do this.' He doesn't even look at me. 'I knew this would happen.' I try to take his hand, but he pulls it away. 'That's why I didn't tell you about it.' What does he mean?? What didn't he tell me? But.. wait... 'You did talk to Tae a couple of day ago didn't you?'

'I knew you would do this.'

'That is no reason to lie to me.' I feel the anger fuell up inside of me. The logical part of me reasons that he was just scared, but I push it away. He should have been honest with me. He knew Tae was not okay with this. 'I don't want to break up a friendship Kook. That's not the kind of person I am. Also you still have to work with him.'

'You think I DON'T KNOW THAT.' Even though he screams the last part of his sentence he turns around and I can see the sadness on his face. 'What is this really about? Do you like Tae?'

'Uh uhm it's not about that. Don't you think we may have gone to fast?' The panickattack is closing in on me and I don't know what to do. Just breathe. BREATHE.

'That's not an awnser to my question. Just go away.' And so I get up and leave because my panic attack will strike any moment now and I don't want him to see me like that. When I walk into the living room I start to unravel. Tears are streaming down my face uncontrollably. 'Breathe breathe' someone whispers. Soft hands hold mine. 'What happened?' Looking into Tae's eyes I just want to tell him everything, about the fight. Even though he is probably the last person I should talk to. He holds me, breathes with me and listens. 'You are scared, go to him, be honest and make it allright.' I never thought someone could be so kind as he helps me and listen to me about being with someone else.

Opening the room to Jungkooks room he gets up immediately.

'I'm sorry I lied.'

'I don't like Tae.'