Among The Fallen: Phan

I was lying in bed, thinking about death. Yes, morbid. I thought of how sure I was about dying only 3 days ago but I wasn't so sure now. I thought about what had changed recently to make me rethink. Only one possible answer came to my mind.

Dan.

I'd started to care about someone. He probably didn't care about me though. He probably thought I was a responsibility. Someone that he had to save before they went crazy again and try to kill themselves again. Just sympathetic, not caring.

My thoughts twirled in my mind too fast to process. I cared about him, but he must hate me really. He doesn't care. He doesn't care.

He doesn't care.

I got out of bed, feeling trapped under the covers. I sat in the corner of the room, trying to calm myself down. I was sustainable to panic attacks, but it hadn't been for a while.

Not since Luke

Bad memories replaced all rational thinking and I started to cry, embarrassing myself. Common sense was replaced by fear and paranoia. My hands were in my hair, pulling it tight. Trying to get a grip on something in the spinning room. I could feel my whole body shaking violently. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

I can't breathe.

There was a knock at the door but I was breathing so heavily, I couldn't even reply or even acknowledge it. The door opened anyway and Dan stood by the frame, looking practically horrified. He slowly came over, as if I was about to explode. He took my hands out of my hair and held them, trying to unclench them from fists.

Phil: I-I c-ca-can't b-breathe.

Dan: You don't need to talk. Just breathe in and out steadily. It'll be over soon.

I closed my eyes, trying to focus on what Dan told me to do. It wasn't working though, none of my coping mechanisms seemed to be working. I cried harder, frustrated that this one was lasting for so much longer. Dan shushed me and pulled me closer to him. He rested my head onto his shoulder and let me cry until there was nothing I could do but silently pray that it would be over soon.