The Diary of Existing

TWENTY ONE

I walked across the crowd of people, ignoring Bailey and Hannah who were still deep in a conversation. I got up towards Angel and Morgan who smiled as they saw me walk over.

"Finally, we've been wondering how long Henry was going to keep you." Angel said, God, not them too.

"Nothing happened. He just rescued me from the possible shit show that you girls were going to put up. Let's not talk about it. Have you seen Henry?" I said and they shrugged their shoulders.

"He was with you last, we thought you'd come back with him." Morgan said and I sighed. I plopped in between them, I was already feeling exhausted and the two noticed.

"You okay? If this party is exhausting you let's go." Morgan said.

"Yeah, you don't have to try and make it fun for me just because you crashed my plans." Angel teased and I laughed. I didn't really want to stay, and they seem to be offering me an exit to this terrible party. My mother wouldn't notice if I had left anyway.

"Let's go." I said and we got up and casually walked out the house. As we were exiting I began to take off my jewelry and just throw them across the bushes. I took my shoes off, and continued to walk barefoot with them. We got onto a bus.

I didn't know where we were going but I was just following them.

It took hours, I found myself falling asleep, but waking up at the last minute. We were dropped off and we got out of the bus. Walked a bit further. I was silent the entire time while the two were just talking and talking about something that I didn't even know was to begin with.

I was surprised to see a beach.

"Welcome to Camber Sands, bitch." Angel said with a smile. We walked a bit further down the line. I just admired the view of the beach at night. It was dark yet still beautiful. We walked further into a more secluded part of the beach. They began to take their shoes off, and Angel just ran towards the water.

"Don't drown! You can't swim!" Morgan yelled and Angel flipped her off before yelling that she could swim. Morgan laughed and I found myself smiling.

"Usually it takes 7 or more hours by bus to get here, but we paid the bus driver a little extra." Morgan said and I didn't even realize that we were the only ones inside the bus that time. I vaguely remembered an old lady but now I wasn't sure.

"Angel and I come here often. It's just so peaceful. I mean, there is an ocean near the school but this is farther away. Safer. Greater. Even better to look at." As Morgan brought those words out of her mouth I could see the smile on her face fading. She was thinking about something. She wanted to escape from something.

"Do you like what you're doing with your dad?" I asked and she didn't even turn to look surprised at me. She was just staring directly at the ocean.

The look on Morgan's face, it was sad. It was a sadness I couldn't even understand. I could just see it. It is the same look I've probably worn a million times when I was back at the institution. It was the kind of look you saw often in the institution amongst all the girls, no matter how severe their damages were. Morgan was like us, like me.

"I should say no." She started, her face serious as she watched Angel kick the water by the shore.

"But I would be lying." I didn't understand what she meant by it. Does this mean she enjoyed it?

"If I truly hated it, if I didn't want it to happen. I would stop it. But I'm not." Morgan said and her voice was cracking. But there were no tears, just the look of lost, sad and fear in her eyes.

"Maybe I do enjoy it. Maybe I approve of it. I definitely approve of it. Because it's still happening and I still let it. So maybe I enjoy it." Morgan said, she was now looking at me. Her face more serious, and still no tears but her voice was cracking, so much that I could feel it tear apart.

"Morgan! Alex!" Angel yelled for us and instantly there was a smile on Morgan's face before she ran towards Angel. I watched as Morgan jumped onto her and with Angel's failed attempt to catch her they both fell and started to laugh.

It was disturbing to hear what Morgan had said. But it was true. It was honest. She knew that she would be lying to herself if she had said no, because there was a point to what she said. A twisted, weird and ridiculous point that yelled out. It was disgusting, disturbing and yet it was still her reality that she, no matter how hard she tries, can't escape from.

I felt disgusted. I felt an ache at the pit of my stomach just knowing what I know. I wanted to do something but what could I do? What could a girl, as equally damaged as Morgan do? Was she going to therapy like me too? Has she ever been in an institution like me? I honestly doubt it. Because that meant her dad couldn't touch her.

Angel called for me once more, Morgan was smiling. I could see past it, but it held such a strong front it could fool anyone. I just knew what was going on behind the scenes, if I hadn't it would have fooled me too.

We spent two hours at the beach, just goofing around. When we got tired of the water we just sat by the sand. Morgan was sitting in between me and Angel. Angel had fallen asleep, her head on Morgan's shoulder. I watched as Morgan looked out the sea, we were just waiting for the sunrise. I could see how Morgan was wanting it to desperately come out. I felt like falling asleep as well but I tried desperately to keep my eyes open.

When the sun was about to rise, Morgan began to shake Angel up to wake. Angel groaned but nonetheless complied. The two smiled at each other and Morgan turned to smile at me. I couldn't give one out, and she knew this and didn't care. Angel and Morgan had their eyes focused on the sunrise, but I had mine on Morgan's. Trying to desperately to read her face, to see a hint of desperation and sadness, the same ones I saw earlier but I couldn't. She hid it so well. Perfectly. More than I could ever do. It was amazing so see how someone can hold back their emotions and mask it with something else.

The two watched as the sunrise, and I watched as the sun lit Morgan's face. And still, I couldn't see past the mask she put on so heavily.