The Diary of Existing

FORTY

It was my birthday today. My mother told me she was going to be coming today, and she wanted to actually take me out. Was it even possible? Should I even believe her to begin with? Fiona was happy about my birthday, she didn't find out until one of the nurses had pointed it out. She became so enthusiastic she began to ask me about my plans. But before I could tell her there was none, she began to talk about her birthday. She kept saying how it was amazing and this and that. Fiona has been in the institution longer than me, she's celebrated numerous birthdays here and she was talking about a recent one. That same recent one she claims she celebrated at the Hilton in New York. But I was here on her last birthday, she celebrated it in the cafeteria with her mom with a $10 cake. I could have called her out on it, but I didn't. I didn't want to steal what seemed to have made her happy. Who was I to do that? I knew firsthand what it was like. And I didn't see the need to do it to someone else.

"Who is Fiona?" Henry asked but I ushered it to read the rest of it.

My mother had arrived, but she was on her phone. Amanda was kind enough to at least acknowledge my presence. She greeted me and told me how she was feeling old just seeing me grow another year older. She apparently made the cake. My mother had wanted her to just buy something, but she didn't feel like it was going to be any good so she used the money to buy ingredients and spent the night making the cake for me. It was a small but sweet gesture. Sometimes I feel like Amanda was more of my mother than my actual mother. Amanda was always there. I wonder if any of my other birthdays before coming here were like this. I couldn't remember much on my past. I didn't know much about how they were celebrated before. But I did remember they were always formal parties with grown people I had no idea who they are just greeting me as if I was supposed to know them. Did I even have any friends when I was younger? I don't recall having any friends. If there were kids at my birthday party, it was probably children of my mother's friends. Did any of them like me? Because when I got older, most of them didn't like me.

"I initially didn't want to let you read this because I thought it seemed a bit too sad." I said and Henry just smiled at me.

"I'm glad you made me read it. This is the best birthday gift Alex." Henry said and I smiled back at him.

"You let me read something personal, it only felt right for me to give you the courtesy of doing the same. But I'm not ready for you to read the whole sad novel that is in my notebook so that will have to do." I said and he just smiled at me.

"Well, you did have a friend when you were younger." Henry said and pointed at the photo he just showed me. I smiled at him and hugged him.

I guess I did have a friend.

When the party started, there were so many people just randomly greeting Henry. I whispered and ask if he knew any of them but he'd tell me he didn't have the tiniest clue as to who the hell they were. I just laughed and spent the entire party by his side. I didn't even realize that I had my arm around Henry's. We just walked around the party together and played a little game.

We'd point at the oddballs of the party, and make sure stories about them. It was fun, I was having fun and so was Henry. I was completely unaware of Wesley's stares, or Morgan's. Angel was busy stuffing herself. I hadn't talked to Morgan since we even got here. I wondered if she was mad at me?

I could see Celina looking utterly disgusted at the sight of me and Henry right next to each other. But I tried my best to make it seem like I didn't even notice. Even if it was too hard. People were probably asking if I was Henry's girlfriend to his mother. But when I would try to pull away Henry would just pull back. And we'd just continue our little fun game.