A/N: turning it up a notch.
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I had my body sprawled over the comforter thinking what the heck have I just done out there. Why did I flipping let that happen between Gerald and I! It just happened so fast that I was so caught up with everything… his eyes… his lips… the kiss.
I was not able to think clearly, or even do the right thing to do. And I freaking hate myself for putting myself into that position! It honestly made me look easy. A slut. A whore. A bitch. A thrash.
But why the heck did it felt so right? Why the heck did it felt so right then! Every time I feel his lips on mine, I always get lost but feel secured; vulnerable but supported; weak but reassured.
The image of him leaning in flashed on my mind... his eyes glistening as he closes the gap between us, gently placing those soft luscious lips perfectly on my…crap! Just thinking of it was giving me the tingles again.
“Why?”, I whispered to myself this word over and over again until I got the right answer. But even how hard I tried, I could not find the answer. It is just a one-word question but why am I finding it difficult to answer.
Thinking back to the kiss now, there was a spark; definitely there was undeniably something going on there between us. But why is it that a side of me is thinking that right now I need not to further the kiss from there. What if I fall hard for him? What if I fall in love with him? Sure I am thinking a little bit early but eventually it might happen. Yes, I had a little crush on him back then but that was when I was a just girl. Everyone fancied him. But this time round it would be totally different. Having my first heartache because of him leaving me out in the open just like that without an explanation… I just could not. I was hurt. Extremely. He was my best friend for Pete’s sake! So why did he not even care for a single time of what I have felt for him leaving me like that?
And what if that happened again this time round? What if I fell very, very hard for him and fell madly in love with him… and he decides to walk away again from me? What if he leaves me hanging if I got to the point that I was ready to tell him that I really love him?
All of these things are questions that I kept repeating to myself the moment he stepped in back into my life like nothing happened. And I was darned scared of him doing the most horrible thing he has done to me again. I could not let myself under that. I could not put myself into that place again. Because this time round, if I did fell hard for him, and he would do what he did back then… then it would be the death of me.
Sure I wanted him to be here right beside me. I wanted to feel those lingering touches he leaves on me. I wanted those unexplainable feelings I get every time he looks at me. I wanted to get lost with his soothing warm breaths. I wanted those soft red lips placed on mine like they fit onto mine perfectly. But why am I so torn right now to choose that? I need not to explore more of this, but somehow deep inside I wanted to. I really wanted to.
“You totally enjoyed that”, Rach burst in as she came barging into the tent uninvited.
“Get out of here”, I sneered back at her. I was actually taken out by surprise by her barging in like that. Good thing I managed to bury my face in time on the pillow for Rach not to see the tears starting to prickle in my eyes. “So much of a best friend!”, I spitted through the pillow.
“Oh come on Sarz…”, she sighed dramatically. “…because from what I remember I only sai-”.
“Get out!”, I screamed, throwing over the pillow at her that I had my face on. I kept my face still hidden from her sight staring at the tent’s wall.
