The Diary of Existing

THIRTY TWO

"Have you heard of the Palmer-Arbour Institution in Nebraska?" I asked him straight out and he looked at me.

And so it began. I told him everything. I told him about how my mother was focused on her career, the moment she found out my father had cheated on her with his sister, Alice, to which he apologized for even if he didn't need to. I told him about me entering the institution, the people there. I told him about Sarah, and everything that had happened between us. To which I then told him about how we still talk to each other. He proceeded to tell me I should cut off my ties with her. I told him about our move to Holmes Chapel, where I thought I was going to live a boring annoying life with my mother in one house, only to be fooled and told I was going to boarding school.

And then I told him about my therapist. About the holidays. About how my mother had ignored me, and about what we were talking about earlier when he saw me. And the entire time, Henry was paying attention. With the exception of telling me to cut off all ties with Sarah, he was listening to me intently. He was patient, understanding, and he truly looked like he understood and wasn't simply nodding his head as I babbled on. Whenever I felt like crying it was as if he sensed it too, because he was quick to rub my back and offer me his handkerchief.

When that was over, I felt the weight on my chest just lift. I finally felt like I could breathe. Like I had been swimming underwater for decades, and finally I was able to swim up and get some air. That was how it felt.

"Thank you." I said, my nose stuffy and my eyes dry from tears. Henry smiled at me and mouthed no problem before squeezing my hand.

It felt good to let it all out.

Despite not understanding the movie, we left when it had finished and he was still holding my hand. I kept staring at our hands. I've never held hands with a boy before. Henry's hands were soft. They were nice.

He took me to a nearby fast food place, and told me I needed comfort food and that it was the best place. I ate whatever he ordered for me, and had to admit that I never knew a simple burger and fries could taste like heaven. Or maybe it was the after feeling of crying. Kind of like that strange afterglow you can get after crying your eyes out. For some reason, my face looks better after I cry. What a cruel reality.

Henry took me back to school. The entire ride there was silent, and I was looking out the window. And his hand was still holding mine.

"Go get some sleep." Henry said, smiling at me before I left the car. I looked at him and smiled back.

"Thanks." I said and got out. I closed the door gently and watched as the car left.

I headed back to my room, practically dragging my feet. For some reason I was feeling like something was lacking. I felt it right after I closed the car door, and it intensified when I watched the car leave and I began to walk to my room. I opened the door and found Jacqueline napping on her bed. Not wanting to let her ask me anything, or even wake her up for that matter, I made sure I got in and onto my bed as quietly as possible.

As soon as my eyes closed, I fell asleep, and began to dream. I dreamt into a different place, a different universe. A universe where I existed, where I was happy, where I had felt free. It was a wonderful place. But I wish that when I woke up hours later, I could have remembered it forever, but five minutes after waking up I forgot every single detail. The only memory was about how happy I was.

At dinner time I was sitting with Bailey and Jacqueline. Hannah was out celebrating her dad's birthday over dinner. Jacqueline and Hannah kept talking about types of paper for some reason. I think it had something to do with the printer by the library. I wasn't really paying attention, I was just trying to get through my meal.