The Diary of Existing

THIRTY TWO

"Well, I guess this seat's open." I turned to see Morgan sit next to me, on the spot where Hannah often sat. Angel pulled a chair from another table and sat next to Bailey.

"Hi." Angel told Bailey who simply stared at her, just as shocked as me. Jacqueline suddenly stopped talking, her body tense and I watched as she shifted in her seat.

"We haven't seen you in a while, we missed you." Morgan said as she looked at me, her voice with an agenda. I didn't really say anything, I just looked at her. I was still too tired from earlier today.

"I like sitting here. It seems brighter. I can see why you ladies love it here. It's like God's shining a light down your table." Angel commented and laughed before digging into her meal. Morgan was doing the same and began to talk casually to me, asking me how I've been. But I didn't know what to say, so I kept my mouth closed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Morgan asked, her voice sounded concerned as she looked at me.

"She obviously does not want to talk to you, or even sit next to you. If you don't mind, please go back to your table." Jacqueline said and Morgan looked at her. She propped an elbow on the table, resting her head on her hand as she stared at Jacqueline some more.

"Morgan. Go away." Bailey finally spoke and Angel looked at her, shocked.

"Wow, she speaks." Angel said as she placed a spoon on the plate.

"Let's just go Morgan." Angel said, having enough and not seemingly wanting to start a fight. Morgan didn't budge, she just continuously looked at Jacqueline who was staring daggers at her. I could simply feel the tension rising between the two, and me sitting in between them was just aggravating.

"Why? I can sit wherever I want. There are no rules about where we can't sit, except the headmistress' table of course." Morgan commented and Jacqueline was pissed. She looked straight ahead, not wanting to even see a second of Morgan's face.

"You're a disgusting human being." Jacqueline said and Morgan scoffed.

"Says the girl who allowed the entire student body to crucify me for something that wasn't my fault." Morgan commented and Jacqueline stood up and all hell broke loose.

"Not your fault?! Who do you think you are?! Tessa was a good person, and you took her away from me! You should be arrested, or sent to some mental institution for that matter because you're beyond damaged! You're pathetic and fucked up!" Jacqueline screamed at the top of her lungs.

Everyone was staring. But I was more shocked at the fact that she cussed. I've never heard her curss, and she didn't seem like the type that did. Everyone was quiet, staring at our table, staring at Jacqueline who was angry, with tears flowing down her cheeks. Morgan, unfazed. Still sitting at the table, staring at Jacqueline. Bailey rushed to Jacqueline's side, holding onto her arm and rubbing it, trying to calm her down. Angel was still seated, completely uncomfortable. I was beyond uncomfortable. I suddenly heard the sound of heels clicking, approaching.

"Ladies. I want to see you in my office. Now." Headmistress Edwards walked away after saying that. Bailey held onto Jacqueline's arm tighter.

"Let's go." Bailey said and tried to pull Jacqueline, who wasn't budging. I looked at Morgan, still unfazed and completely unaware of what she had just done.

I was a lost lamb in the middle. It was, yet again, another moment where I had to choose which side to lean on. And this time I didn't feel like it. So I stood up and made my way to Headmistress Edwards office, not giving a damn if any of them were following behind me.

When we got there, we were all sitting outside for five minutes before the doors to her office opened and she had asked all of us to come in. When we entered, five chairs were already waiting. Two on each side were relatively closer, and a seat on the middle was within a certain distance between the two. As dramatic as it was, it felt appropriate and so I sat down, by the middle.

And of course, to sound even more dramatic, Jacqueline and Morgan sat on the sides closer to me.

Headmistress Edwards began. I had to admit that I phased out for most of it. She was staring at me. I've never seen her look so mad. But she was. Her voice was muted in my head, but the way her mouth moved, the way her eyes looked, they signified how mad she was at all of us. I didn't catch what she was saying, but I would turn left and right to see Jacqueline speaking in what appeared to be soft tones, while Morgan was barely speaking at all. Her legs crossed, her arms crossed. She wasn't having any of it.

"I don't want this repeated. I don't want this topic discussed. We've talked about this in the past. A lot of students grieved a lose. And some still are." Headmistress Edwards said as she looked at Jacqueline who had her head down.

"Jacqueline, if you need someone to talk to, the school is willing to help provide a professional." Headmistress Edwards said and Jacqueline looked up.

"I'm fine Headmistress, if anyone needs a professional, it's her." Jacqueline looked over her shoulder at Morgan. She was looking at Morgan, but it had felt like she was looking at me. And I felt hurt. I felt like she was talking to me. All this talk about damaged girls and professional help was triggering me in ways I didn't know possible.

And I didn't want to get mad at Jacqueline. But I felt like I should get mad at her.

Headmistress Edwards dismissed us and I was the first to walk out. I was rushing and I didn't really want to talk to any of them. But as I stepped out the hallway and out of the building, I could hear Jacqueline calling my name. I stopped on my tracks and turned to face her.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry you got caught in between." Jacqueline said, apologetic. But I felt disturbed at what she told Morgan. Because it had felt like she was telling me the exact same thing, even if she wasn't.

"What you said was disgusting. I hope you know that." I said and walked off, leaving a very confused Jacqueline.

Morgan was damaged, Just like me. Was there even a difference between the two of us for that matter?