The Diary of Existing

FORTY THREE

"Why? Do you think your mother needs a therapist? In your personal opinion about your mother, do you think she truly needs a therapist?" Dr. Arbour asked and I found myself laughing even more.

"She needs a miracle is what she needs. Possibly the help of the pope, if you have the connections." I said and Dr. Arbour just looked at me. We stared at each other in silence, the typical things we used to do before. I had to admit, I didn' miss this.

Well... Not really...

"If you truly think your mother needs to see a therapist that is something I have to jot down. Something that she be taken care of, because if your mother isn't well then how will she help you?" Dr. Arbour asked and honestly, I ask myself that all the time. I often wondered why she didn't check herself into an institution when she checked me in. She needed it more than me.

"Dr. Arbour, you wasted your time and money coming here. If all you came here is to ask me that then there you go. I'm sure whatever I have to say is either been told to you by Dr. Palmer or my mother twisted the story and told you what she considers to be true, depending on her version of the story." I said and got up, ready to leave.

"Alex, walking away won't stop the problem. It won't resolve it, and you'll stay stuck forever in this space and you'll keep going back here. God forbid you go backwards again." Dr. Arbour said and I stopped by the door as she said this. Maybe she was right, but she could also be wrong.

"I'm better now. I have friends here, I might even have a boyfriend." I said, my face smug as I turned to look at a shocked Dr. Arbour. Given her face wasn't all too expressive, but I knew her well enough to know when she was shocked at what I said. I had Sarah to thank for, after all, she was the queen of shocking Dr. Arbour with her spontaneous attitude.

"A boyfriend?" Dr. Arbour asked and I nodded my head.

"Yes, and doesn't know about me yet. So do me a favor and don't tell him. Go back to the institution, Sarah and Julia still need you." I said and before I could walk away, Dr. Arbour said something that shocked me.

"Sarah's gone." I didn't know if she had meant that Sarah was dead or just ran away, again.

"She ran away and it's been a month. It isn't a shocker but she left all of her things, and none of the girls have heard from her. The places she often goes to, none of them have seen her. Not even her family has seen her." Dr. Arbour said and I felt a sudden surge of panic in me.

Sarah was gone, and the way Dr. Arbour spoke, it really did sound like this was different this time. Dr. Arbour tilted her head a bit, as if observing my expression. I tried my best not to give her the satisfaction of figuring out how I felt about her little news. I didn't want her pulling me into another conversation.

"I don't care about Sarah. She tried to kill me, remember?" I said and Dr. Arbour just looked at me. I didn't wait for her to say anything further, or even give her the chance to so I walked away immediately.

I walked as fast as I could, practically running at this point. My face was full of worry, my heart felt heavy and my mind felt clouded. My vision was kind of becoming blurry, and I honestly couldn't tell if it was because I was crying. Was I crying? I honestly don't know, because I felt very numb. But I was feeling this way because of, what, Sarah?

I was feeling worried about Sarah? The same girl who practically killed me, twice.

We did have decent conversations when I left, but it didn't mean that I forgot what she had done. At one point I did feel like she was a long distance friend of mine, like someone who was in another boarding school like me. But at the same time I couldn't forget what she did, or who she is.

But here I am completely worried about her.

I found myself headed for the bench. I sat down and some of the caretakers were at the greenhouse, but as they left, they didn't notice me at all. I just sat there, and I began patting myself, as if looking for something. But I didn't know what exactly. It took a minute before I could realize that I was trying to look for Henry's notebook, to read a page and distract myself.

But I didn't have it with me. I always had it with me. From the day he gave it to me.

But I didn't have it now, and I haven't read a single page since the night of his birthday. Since I found out about how he felt about me in a confrontation he had with Celina, from when Celina caught me eavesdropping and the confronted me, then Wesley confessing to me about how he felt. Then there was the library, when Henry told me how he felt too. And despite us being okay now it still felt a bit awkward.

And now here I am, just crying on a bench alone.

Maybe Dr. Arbour had her points, maybe I was going back and building my walls higher and higher, so that no one could enter, no one could see me or even take a look at who I am. But was she right though? I did open up to Henry, I did tell him everything, shared with him a piece of my life in the past. But that also felt obligatory since he shared not just a piece of his past but the whole damn book.

But still, I told someone. I told a complete stranger that I had just met. And I felt good about it, I felt safe. How was that going backwards? Or going back to my old roots of being walled up and hostile? Was it because I had told one person?

I didn't even know if I planned to tell Wesley. I told Henry, but since Wesley has begun courting me, it means he'll want to know who I am. Know the real me, from my past to my future. He'll want to know it all. And would I even have the heart to turn him away? I was already feeling guilty for saying yes, imagine what it will do when it comes to judgment day.

I didn't even know if I could tell someone like Wesley such things, If it was ideal for me to even express that part of me. But it seemed fair, but only in the sense that Henry knows but with Wesley becoming a potential boyfriend he will need to know about it too. Being in a relationship is also being intimate right? About trying to make sure that you understand each other? So shouldn't I tell him something as intimate as what I told Henry?