The Diary of Existing

FIFTY ONE

"You read that last page on the baby book?" She asked, looking at the box. I glanced towards it before looking back at her, biting my lower lip.

"Alex, I'm sorry. I was never the perfect mother. I'm still not. And I still struggle to figure out how I am going to repair what is broken between me and you. I should have been a better mother. I admit that. And whether you believe me or not, you need to know that I really am doing all of this for you." She started, and strangely, I could sense how sincere she was, even the look on her eyes were saying that. But I kept my guard up, I still kept my doubts together.

"The institution was for you, because I didn't want you outside for people to make a mockery out of you, like you were some show dog in a carnival. I didn't put you there for me reputation, I didn't put you there for yours either, I put you there because people didn't understand you and what was going on. I saw that place as protection for you, because no one understood what was happening and all they did was make comments on the sideline while they pointed and laughed at you." She just kept going on, and I watched her expression, it didn't change, there was no twitch. She was serious.

"I put you in there because that was where help was, and because people couldn't hurt you from there. And I know I was barely there too, but it was because it was my fault. Because I put my pain ahead of yours. It was hard seeing you in there, with those girls. To me, you weren't as damaged as them, and I hated that you were in there with them. Because you weren't like them." Her eyes trailed off, looking at the floor behind me.

"What if I was like them? What does that make me then? Because I am like them. I am like those girls. I connected with them. Doesn't that make me like them?" I asked her, my tears were threatening to fall at this point, but I tried my hardest to keep them in.

She looked at me, biting her lower lip fighting her own tears as she shook her head. She closed her eyes and continued to shake her head. She sniffed in air, letting out a deep sigh and looking back at me, looking defeated.

"You aren't like those girls. I know that. And it was wrong of me to put you in there. I should've stood up for you but I was too weak to do that. I couldn't even defend myself, how could I defend you?" She said and I couldn't tell how I was supposed to feel at that moment. I found myself stepping inches towards her, slowly.

"I shouldn't have sent you to that boarding school. But I wanted you to get the best education and that boarding school had it, and Dr. Arbour said it would be nice too. To slowly ease you back into society. Starting with letting you stay in a place where you are surrounded by girls your age who could be your friends." She said and I started to think about Morgan, Angel and the rest.

I couldn't say Morgan was the greatest influence.

"Headmistress Edwards tells me that you are friends with Jacqueline, that was why you were specifically placed in that room too. She's a good girl, good grades, and I thought she'd be a good influence for you. And Headmistress Edwards tells me that you two are close. But that you are friends with her niece Morgan as well." At the mention of Morgan's name, I wondered if she was told about the mischief that Morgan has brought into that boarding school.

"Alex, I know I've been horrible to you as a mother. But believe me when I say that I am trying my hardest. That I am trying my best. And my approaches towards that isn't the greatest. But I am trying. And I'm hoping that you will see that, that you will understand that I am not the enemy in this. That I am fully on your side." She looked at me once again, pleading.

This time I knew what her pleas were. She was pleading for my acceptance. For my understanding of her. To see past all her mistakes and see that she is, as she claims, trying. As sincere as she sounded, my doubts were still there, my walls was still up and guarded completely. I could never tell. And I didn't know if I was really ready to forgive her just like that.