I Didn't Mean It (sequel to It Was an Accident)

13

The first thing Derek did was shower. It had been a few days since he had been to his classes last, so he hadn't showered. It felt good to be clean. Refreshing, even. He put on clothes afterwards that weren't just sweatpants and a t-shirt. He wore jeans and a blue v-neck, along with his leather jacket that hadn't been worn in months. He slipped his shoes on and grabbed his phone before heading out.

Derek had never been to the guidance counselor at college. In high school, the only time he went was to talk about applying for college. He never had issues like this before, so he wasn't sure how it was going to go. He hesitated outside her door, but eventually worked up the courage to knock. After, he almost bolted, but stood his ground and stayed until she opened the door. "Can I help you?" Mrs. Stein asked, a friendly smile on her lips.

Derek swallowed hard, suppressing the urge to just turn around and leave. "I was wondering if you had a minute to talk?"

"Always," she answered without hesitation. "Come on in." She stepped aside to let Derek into the room and then closed the door behind them. He took a seat across from her desk and she sat down to face him. "What's your name?"

"Derek Hale," he told her, nervously looking around the room. The colors were warm and comforting, as they should be in a counselor's office. However, it did nothing to relax him. "I'm a freshman."

She typed something on her computer, squinting slightly as she read. "Ah, I see that. Your first semester grades were very good, but this semester, not so much. Did something happen?" she wondered, turning her attention away from the computer to focus on Derek. She seemed like she really wanted to help, but Derek was embarrassed to talk about it. He looked away from her to stare at his fingers. He bounced his leg nervously, searching for something to talk about. "Derek, everything you tell me is confidential, unless you ask me to tell someone, or if there is illegal behavior involved. Tell me what's got you so worried?"

"I don't think I can do that," Derek admitted, his voice small. He was getting a little nervous, bouncing his leg as he wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. He stood up, pacing as he took a deep breath. 

Mrs. Stein folded her hands in her lap, giving Derek a sympathetic look. "Derek, I'm here to help you. I can only do that if you talk. . . about anything." 

Derek nodded, stopping to brace his hands on the back of his chair. He swallowed hard, ignoring the stinging in his eyes. "My boyfriend and I are taking a break," he managed to choke out. He ran a hand through his hair nervously, staring at his knuckles. "He's been calling me for the past two months and I can't-- I can't answer. I can't speak to him. I can't speak to my parents, or my friends. I hardly attend my classes. I feel-- helpless. Embarrassed. Guilty."

"Derek," Mrs. Stein said, a hint of sadness behind her voice. "Can I tell you something personal?" Derek hesitated, his chest tight as he finally nodded. "When I was nineteen, my friends and I had these fake I.Ds made so we could go out with these older boys. We went, and at first it was fun. But the minute I left to use the restroom, I should have known then. I was violated and raped by those older guys. In the blink of an eye, your whole life can turn upside down. For a year, I stayed inside. I didn't talk to anyone. I switched to online classes, and still hardly completed them. I felt the same things you're feeling. I'm not saying this happened to you, but whatever did happen, you can tell me. I understand."