What Are We Doing?

Emma sat fiddling with her phone, for hours, a few days after she talked to Ruby, her phone heavy with the weight of Killian's number waiting for a text. Ruby had entered his number in before she left that night, and it had been all she could think about since.

She opened her messages for the millionth time, and hovered her thumbs over the keyboard. What did she say to the man who broke her heart? She bit her lip, as she managed to finally type out a message.

We need to talk. -ES

She hit send before she could rethink her decision to talk to him and tell him the truth. To tell him about the baby she had lost. She almost jumped out of her skin when her phone vibrated in her hand not even a minute later.

ES? Bloody hell, Emma?

Yes, Killian. Meet me tomorrow at the coffee shop at 9am. You know the one.

Aye, Swan. I'll be there.

Emma let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding, nervous about meeting with him, but she felt a little relieved that he agreed so easily.

The next morning Emma found herself worrying about how she looked, like she cares what he thinks about her. She fiddled with her hair a bit more before she pulled on her red leather jacket and left her apartment.

Killian stood outside the coffee shop they used to frequent during their relationship, messing with his prosthetic hand nervously, waiting for Emma. He saw a flash of her blonde curls in the group of people walking towards him and his breath caught in his throat.

She was easily the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and he had almost forgotten the real effect she had on him.

Emma saw him standing outside and stopped in front of him. "Hey.." She said softly.

"Morning, Swan. You look lovely." He smiled a little.

"Oh.. Thanks.." She mumbled, shoving her hands in her pockets as she led him into the shop.

"Would you like a hot chocolate, Swan?" Killian asked softly.

"Yeah.. With cinnamon." Emma was nervous, she hadn't thought she'd ever have to tell Killian the truth.

He nodded. "Why don't you get us a table, and I'll get our drinks. You look like you need a minute to yourself.."

Emma moved to protest him buying her a drink, before convincing herself it's the least he could do for her. She sat at a table in the corner by the window, and stared out it. Nervously biting her lip.

Killian watched her for a moment as he waited in line. He had no idea why Emma wanted to meet him, but he wasn't going to complain and risk scaring her off. He missed her more than he'd ever admit, and even if all she did was yell at him this morning, he thought himself lucky to even see her again.

He brought their drinks to the table, startling her out of her thoughts. "I was surprised to hear from you, Emma.." He admitted honestly.

She looked up at him, taking a sip of her drink to calm herself. "Well, I had a talk with Ruby a few days ago, and she convinced me to get my closure.."

"Closure.. Aye, I suppose you want to know why I just left without an explanation?" Killian ran his fingers through his hair.

"I.. Well, yeah, Killian.. I do want to know why. Why did you just make the decision for me? I wanted to be there for you." She sighed.

"Swan, your entire life was in Boston.. And mine, aside from you, was in back in England.. I thought I was losing Liam. I had to stay with him, and with his family. And I never could have asked you to move everything for me." He said softly.

"But what if I would have, Killian? We were married, I.. I loved you." She stared at the table, unable to look at him.

She knew the moment she looked into his eyes, she would fall for him all over again. He was still 'her Killian', but she couldn't let herself feel that pain again.

"When I saw Liam, I became the man I promised you I'd never be.. I drowned myself in rum, I pushed Elsa and the kids away.. I pushed you away."

Emma glanced up at him, and she could see the regret in his eyes.

"I shouldn't have, and I'm so sorry.. You kept calling, and I couldn't hear your voice or I'd break.. So I never picked up.." He continued.

She sighed. "I wanted to be there. I was your girlfriend, your wife." She ran her fingers through her hair nervously. "But I didn't ask you here to force you into apologies.."

"I.. Then why did you want to meet, Love?" His eyes softened, he could tell something was wrong. "Is everything alright?"

She nodded. "I need to tell you why I called so much after you sent the divorce papers.. I've only told Ruby the truth.. It was more than just that I missed you, Killian.."

"The truth? Emma, did something happen after I left?" Killian asked softly.

Emma could tell he was itching to reach out and comfort her like he used to, but he knew it likely wouldn't be welcome.

"Technically part of it happened before you left.." She mumbled. "Please don't be mad at me, when you hear it.. It.. It took me a long time to get to a place where I didn't blame myself."

"Swan.. You're scaring me, please tell me.." Killian's voice was quiet, scared of what she was going to say.

"I was pregnant, Killian." Her eyes had filled with tears. "I was alone and pregnant. Again."

He immediately moved from his seat, and pulled her into his arms. He needed to hold her, for the sake of both of them.

Emma allowed herself to be held in his arms, the tears falling down her cheeks. She sobbed silently into his shoulder, his hand rubbing her back gently. Killian closed his eyes as he rocked her gently.

"Oh, Swan.. I.. I'm so sorry.. I.. What happened to the baby?" He whispered after a few moments.

"I had a miscarriage.. The doctor said it was likely nothing I had done, but I.. I was stressed and terrified.. And, I needed you, but you sent me the divorce papers, and wouldn't answer my calls." Her voice broke as she spoke to him.

Killian wiped her cheeks, his own tears falling into her hair. "I.. I was going to be a father, and I.. I left my child.. and.. oh, Love.. I understand why you didn't want me around."

She sighed, and held onto him. "I.. I'm so sorry I lost our baby. Can I ask why you really came back to Boston?"

Killian rubbed her back gently. "I came to hopefully find you, even if all I was able to do was apologize for the way I acted. Swan, it took me too long to realize it, but you were all I needed to be happy. And I knew I needed to see you again.."

"KIllian.. I'm not.. I can't be that for you. You let me go so easily.." She said softly, pulling away from him a little.

"You think it was easy.. Bloody hell, Emma. Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than dealing with losing my hand.. The only thing that kept me together, were my nephews and Elsa. They needed me with Liam on the edge." He rubbed his hand over his face.

Emma played with the sleeves of her shirt. "Killian.. I.." She didn't know what to say to him. "I'm so mad at you, I shouldn't even give you the time of day.."

"And if you never want to speak to me again after today, I'll accept it. But if I had my choice, our relationship wouldn't end here. I'd spend forever making it up to you, Love.." He told her, his determination clear in his eyes.

"I.. I want to forgive you, Killian.. I just, I don't know if I'm there yet.. I spent the last five years trying, but seeing you brought all of my feelings rushing back.. Good ones, but especially the bad. It'll take time, but.. I hope one day I can get there. It's just not today. I'm sorry." She told him softly before leaving the coffee shop without looking back.