Promise to Sirius (An Utapri / Uta no Prince-sama Fanfiction)

Camus

You are not a gentle snowfall.

You are not the snowflakes that glisten as they float down like petals under the warm daylight and sunshine. Neither are you they that descend like stars in a night sky where they paint the picaresque scene of the silent darkness. That snowfall forms smiles and grants wishes. It is kind, gentle, patient and slow, as well as earnest, even without ever needing to say even the softest syllable. That gentleness, that kindness... Neither of it are you.

Devoid of kindness, incapable of kindness. Incapable of love and being loved... that is what you are, after all, Camus, you unwanted, unfeeling child.

Or perhaps... were you ever a child in the first place?

Staring at a pitless, black void, Camus could see the words appearing and disappearing inside his own head like soundless echos, like the flashes of butterfly wings that were destined to be buried in the darkness of fallen snow. He could hear neither a crack of a voice nor a trace of a heartbeat. He could see neither the white of a monochromatic world or the colours that ceased to live in a world of deceit. Unable to move or speak, he could not drown away the words in his head as they throbbed in the place of a heart that he was unable to feel or hear.

You see yourself as a blizzard, the strong avalanche of snow and ice. Forcing your way beyond a childhood that could hardly be called one, with a heart used to a world of deceit and lies. However, even if you want to believe that you are one with your lack of ability to show empathy, the truth is that you are not a blizzard either, aren't you?

A tall, narrow streetlamp appeared in front of him amidst the empty void, glowing white against the black backdrop.

You are trapped in the meaningless in-between.

Under the finite white light was trodden snow. Lying on the remnants of footprints was a small butterfly, its broken wings twitching and wavering as its colour flickered against the light.

Neither gentle nor strong... neither able to feel nor grant others the ability to feel...

Its struggles gradually began to cease, its wings falling onto the snow that had started to melt away into spring. The spring that it had been rendered incapable of feeling.

That is exactly what you are.

Those fractured, glass-like wings were a cold ice-blue, the colour of his eyes, his colour.

Your frozen heart.

The cold ice-blue of those motionless wings were the last colour that Camus saw before the blizzard that he had been claimed to not be overtook his vision and plunged him into the dark. It was cold, with not even the slightest hint of warmth to be felt. Was this... what the haze and blurs that defined his childhood amounted to? Devoid of the cradling of a mother's arms, devoid of him being loved by either parent rather than merely being seen as a heir or legitimate son, devoid of any colour besides monochromatic, unfeeling colours. All that ended with a frozen heart lingering in the chamber of his chest, a heart unknown to spring, unknown to kindness, compassion and empathy.

Somehow all of it brought pain to what had been said to be frozen. Somehow the mere thought made him feel nearly powerless.

Weak. Vulnerable. Alone.

At that moment, a dull ache fell upon his head and something within him told him that the surroundings had changed. Carefully, he opened his eyes and found himself staring up at a warmly-lit ceiling, consciousness seeping through him like those warm lights. Something cool had been propped against his forehead: an ice pack. His lower body was covered by what he recognized as his blue quilt and his head was lying against a pillow. Flinching slightly when he attempted to sit up and his body thumped with agony, he felt something tucked beside him and found himself mildly surprised to see the puppy plushie that Natsuki had given him there, its round blue eyes staring at Camus.