Fatal Flaws

chapter 29

"No, but hey it's food," Sky laughs, shrugging her shoulders. She had wanted tacos from the truck nearby.

"You should come and sit with us. That way you can tell me about your fight last night," she smiles at Hayden, linking her arm through his.

"It's no big deal. Some dude was being an asshole. He kept making unwanted advances on some drunk chick," he mumbles,  glancing over his shoulder, showcasing his famous smirk plastered on his face. Sky was thankfully busy texting on her phone and hadn't noticed.

"Zane, this is my brother Hayden, and this is Zane Bex's friend" She turns around talking more to Zane than Hayden. I shrink back into the shadows. I'm not sure how that statement came across to Hayden. Does he think Zane is more than a friend? I'm relieved the line moves quickly. We're able to place our orders before getting shown to our seats. Zane and Hayden each slide into the shiny red plastic booths first. Of course, on opposite sides. I wait until Skylar chooses the seat next to Hayden before sliding in beside Zane.

Our server arrives, bringing us our drinks. He's an older man. Maybe close to sixty or sixty-five. His body type is rather thin, with a full head and beard of snow-white hair. A thin pair of silver rectangular glasses sit on his head. I watch his hands shake uncontrollably placing our drinks on the table. His tremors cause some liquid to spill down the sides of the glasses. No one seems to mind, though.

"So, how do you two know each other?" Hayden asks, taking a sip of his soda. I watch him using a napkin to soak up the excessive pop from his cup.

"Oh, we go way back since before preschool. We've always been close friends even after we broke up," Zane answers, reaching over to retrieve a napkin. He also uses it to wipe up the excess liquid. That answer was unexpected, causing me to spit my soda out. Lucky for me, no one notices. Reaching over, Zane wraps his arm around my shoulders, hugging me. My eyes stay on the table, refusing to look in Hayden's direction. I can imagine the look on his face. I pray he keeps his mouth shut. I'm grateful when our food arrives moments later, causing Zane's arm to drop. The food looks and smells amazing, but I don't have an appetite. I don't know why this keeps happening. Zane and Hayden converse in small talk. Something about cars and their favorite sports teams, anything other than me. I'm happy knowing my past isn't the subject of their conversation. I keep my head down for the rest of dinner, playing different scenarios over in my head.

"It was nice meeting you guys. If you're free I'd like to get together one weekend and do something. I'll be in town for a couple more months. It might be longer depending on when we finish this project," Zane tells us. He smiles, holding his hand out to shake both of theirs while standing in the parking lot.

"We'll wait for you over there. You know so you guys can say goodbye," Skylar jokes, winking and pointing towards the benches across the street.

I stay silent, watching them walk to one of the nearby tables. Hayden's eyes immediately lock onto mine the minute he sits down. I can feel his gaze despite trying to look everywhere else.

"My bad, I should have called first instead of showing up like this. But I didn't think you'd have taken my call," Zane whispers, breaking the awkward silence, vigorously rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. It reminds me of how Hayden acts when he's stressed. He looks so cute, yet troubled at the same time. Great, here I go again. I'm thinking about Hayden when I'm talking to Zane. Thankfully, he doesn't seem to notice. 

"And I couldn't take that chance. I wanted to see you. I miss you a lot, Bex. Despite being so far away, I check in with your mom to see how you're doing. That's how I knew where your dorm room was," he mumbles before going silent, waiting for me to say something. My mind is blank. The last time I'd talked to Zane face to face besides text messages, was when I'd told him it was over. I wanted to be with Johnny and not him. It broke his heart. I knew he was in love with me. Despite us being young, he'd always had a giant crush on me. Being hurt, he'd dropped to his knees, crying and begging me not to go. But I didn't care. I was selfish and couldn't care less about his feelings. The drugs had taken over, they changed me. I wasn't the sweet little girl he thought I was. I left him there, kneeling in the rain, watching me walk away.

"I've missed you too, Zane," I whisper hoarsely. The words feel foreign in my mouth. "But there's so much going on and so much has changed. I'm not the same girl you remember" I tread, choosing my words cautiously. I don't want to hurt him again. But I can sense where he's going with this conversation.

"None of that matters. The past is the past. You'll always be the same girl in my eyes. I know the real you. The girl that hides behind this mask," he coos, taking my face in his hands. His touch is familiar, so safe. It feels the same way it used to once upon a time. I know what's going to happen before it does. I could have stopped it. If I had wanted to, I could have. I should have pulled away. But like an idiot, I didn't. My body stays frozen in place. Zane's a huge part of my past. A piece of me from before the pain. Before my life came crashing down in shambles around me. My innocent days, the times I desperately want back. I would do anything to be that girl again. The girl who always smiles and never cries. Who loved dancing in the rain and singing Christmas carols all year round? I was so young and carefree. Naïve, for thinking I deserved to be happy. 

Zane's lips are soft pressing against mine. He's gentle, not like Hayden. There's a small spark, but it's nothing like how Hayden makes me feel. There are no fireworks or applause. It's nothing like it used to be. This isn't magic. You can't go back in time and make everything alright. No matter how hard you try or how many times you wish for it to happen. It never will and that's something I have to learn to live with and accept, even if I don't want to.

"I can't do this. I'm sorry I have to go," I mumble. Half stumbling backward, pulling away. My mind is scrambled, a jumbled mess of thoughts. I do the only thing I know how to do. I run. My body trembles, sprinting as fast as I can towards where Sky sits patiently waiting for me alone. All alone. Haydens gone. And once again, I've screwed everything up. Not only did Hayden leave, but history repeated itself. I left Zane standing there. Once again, watching me go with no explanation.