Fatal Flaws

chapter 45

I collapse onto the edge of my bed, facing her now bare and deserted side. The note wadded up, clutched in my fist. I crumble, breaking down. My chest hurts, heaving in and out, allowing the tears to flow down my face. I need Hayden to talk to, to hold me and tell me it'll be okay. But he's gone, and I can't. And I have no clue where he is or if he's even okay. I'm broken yet again, but worst of all, I'm back to being alone. After several minutes of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I wipe away my tears, pushing myself up.

My fingers tremble unzipping the bag. The contents spill onto the table. Not having time, I rummage through it, picking out items familiar, things I know what they are. My eyes are red and puffy. A thin layer of concealer beneath them helps. After several tries, I finally got a look I'm satisfied with. It's not my best work, but it'll have to do. It's already almost 6:45 and class starts in fifteen minutes. There's no time to try again.

Brushing my hair, I twist it into a tight bun on my head. Ptaying the gel holds and it doesn't frizz out. Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I rush out the door. Hoping and praying Hayden's in his seat. Since we've made up, he's taken his usual seat beside me.

Walking into class, my heart dropped. His chair sits empty, and he's nowhere to be seen. Slinking over to my seat, I plop down, laying my head on the desk. Squeezing my eyes shut, I block everything out, trying to ignore the lecture around me. All the voices sound muffled and fused as one. I have no clue what topic they're discussing.

By the last bell of the day, I'm over it. The whole day dragged on, each minute ticked by. I'm positive I failed my psychology test, despite studying. Staring down at the paper, the words ran together, mixing. No matter how hard I tried to concentrate, my mind went blank. I couldn't remember anything from what I'd read. I'm so naïve. My mom was right. I'm consumed with Hayden and losing focus on myself. I need to get my shit together, and can't be late for training.

Great, I planned on him taking me now I've missed the last bus, so I have to walk. This day keeps getting better and better. I still haven't heard from him heading across campus to the library. The stiff wind whips across my face as I trudge ahead. I can't wait to get my car, especially if I won't be living on campus. Yes, the apartments are within walking distance, but soon it'll be too cold. And now I know for certain I can't trust him. It hurts. Despite already knowing it, I had fooled myself into believing I could. He was different and cared. Why do I keep allowing this to happen? Do I secretly enjoy getting let down over and over?

I wish this little sweater had a hood. Lifting the ends, I attempt to wrap them around my bare cheeks, blocking some of the cold. But not much.

About a half hour later, warmth finally takes over, pulling open the heavy wooden double doors. The sound of papers printing and people typing away on computers fills the air. Along with the scent of paper and ink wafting around. Most people don't recognize it, but I do. I love it when a new book gets printed, the smell it gives off, and the warmth of its pages. It's little things like this that people miss out on. Things that get ignored and overlooked.

This place is enormous. The bottom level alone is like two entire apartments put together. Rows and rows of multi-colored books fill hundreds of shelves along the walls. Small rectangular red signs display each category above the shelves. The downstairs contains nonfiction, biographies, and learning books. A sizeable area near the entrance features the newest authors and highest-ranked books. The back wall holds the top ten best-sellers. Staff stacked each book front to back, with a copy facing outward to showcase its cover.

Near the elevator a separate little area assigned to movies and DVDs catches my eye. It's by itself, with midsize walls going around it, encasing it into a square. A large metal detector blocks the entryway. It's impossible to enter or exit it without going through it. Several rows of computers sit along the opposite wall, next to the bathrooms. Several people sit at them, headphones in, typing away. Walking up to the front desk, I ring the little brass bell sitting there.

"Welcome to St. John's library, I'm Miranda. Can I help you with anything, or maybe find something?" a short red-headed girl asks as she approaches the desk.

"Yeah, I'm here for training," I mumble nervously, shuffling my feet.

"Oh, hey, you must be Bex, right? Did I pronounce it right?" She asks, scanning through a stack of papers.

"Yeah," I respond, shifting my eyes from her to a random pile of overdue notices. Each one contains the word overdue in large red letters stamped across it.

She's cute and petite, with dark red hair, not bright like Roxie. A large pale pink flower barrette secures half her hair in a ponytail. The lower section flows freely, hanging loosely around her shoulders. Soft caramel brown eyes stare up at me with no makeup. The bare look suits her. She looks sweet and innocent in a blue and pink striped long-sleeve shirt. A jean jumper dress lies over it, the material barely an inch from the ground.

"Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm pretty sure you'll like everyone here. Sadly, though, you won't get to meet our manager until after Christmas. He's on a class trip to Spain for the holidays. But his name is Jake, and he's pretty exceptional," she babbles, digging in the desk drawers. She continues droning on about how amazing he is while pulling out a name tag necklace. I watch as she writes my name across it in permanent marker. I get the feeling, she might have a tiny crush on Jake, especially the way she blushes when speaking about him.

"Yeah, I already met him once at the bonfire. He's friends with my roommate," I sigh, remembering when Sky had introduced us. I admit he's quite attractive, with his large muscles and tattoos. Something I've never been into, but since Hayden, it's become quite the turn-on. I guess I have a fresh taste in men.

"That's great!" She exclaims, handing me my name tag. It feels good seeing my name printed. Knowing I have a job, that I don't need my mother's help anymore. She can't hold things over my head trying to guilt trip me.

"Well, let's get started. Today you only have some paperwork to fill out. When you're done, I'll give you a tour around the place. Show you where you'll mainly be working, let you get the feel of things, and then you can go home for the day. Sound good?" She asks, pulling out another stack of papers and handing me a black ink pen.

"Sounds great," I mumble. Home... which home would that be? My empty dorm room or my empty apartment.

Following behind, she leads me to a little desk near the computers. Rifling through the papers, she shows me which ones to sign before walking off. I'm halfway through them when the vibration of my phone catches my attention. Praying for good news, I open it. It's him.

"Hey, sorry about last night. Some things came up. I'll explain later. I won't be back at the apartment till this evening. So I'll meet you there. I grabbed some things at the store for it too. I'll see you in a bit."

What could have come up that was so important he couldn't even text me? And why write now? He hasn't spoken to me all day. I'm not putting up with this, letting him run in and out of my life. Choosing to be petty, I leave him on read, let him see how it feels. Looking down, I continue signing my name one page at a time. Well, I guess I can take my time. It's not like I'm in a rush. No one is waiting for me. Either home I choose will be empty.