It took Justin forever to find Matis. Repeatedly he checked the time and saw the minutes fly by and with them he saw their future in the Hunt, their sheer existence, go down the drain. The worst was that he didn't know exactly where he should start looking. All he could go on were guesses.
Hel had been right. Matis and he hadn't exchanged a meaningful sentence in weeks. Lately, they had been down to grunts when they happened to meet outside their rooms in the cottage.
So, what was he even wasting time, looking for someone who didn't want to be found? Logic would dictate to seek out Hel, and to prove his own usefulness to her. Sauve qui peut. But, even in death he was the same old fool, he'd been alive. He simply didn't want to do this without Matis. He couldn't imagine a world without him in it anymore.
That's why he had accepted day in and day out since becoming a ghost whatever Matis had done. It had hurt to see him struggling like this. But at least, he had seen him. Matis was still there, a part of his life. His aloofness, detachment, and reserve - Justin had seen it as his punishment for not having believed in Matis enough in their other life. Despite the pain the situation had been for both of them, he had feared to start a discussion about any of it, to bring up their death, or to mention their future, simply because he couldn't bear to hear that Matis didn't want him anymore.
Hel had threatened to take even the little he still had of Matis. He wouldn't allow it. He would find Matis and drag him to her so that they could do their job, or he would vanish with him - like the minutes that were ticking away.
They weren't there yet though. So, he held on to hope and tackled his problem if not logically, so at least methodically. Matis had been wet when he came home earlier. He had been once again playing with his powers that had shown up after his death, thunder and lightning – his new best friends. Justin had checked. There had been a thunderstorm over London, especially the Hampstead Heath.
The Heath had been one of their favorite hunts, where they had met and had dared to hold hands in secret whenever they could steal the time. Justin didn't want to think too much of his role, but he thought he had detected a pattern in Matis' practice fields. They'd been happy in Paris and danced during carnival in New Orleans. He'd just needed to search all the places that had meaning to them, starting with London, since that seemed to be where Matis' head was that day.
When Justin finally found Matis, it was with a book in his lap on the floor of Waterstones at Piccadilly. It was after hours and the shop empty. But there were some perks to being a ghost. Getting locked in the store and reading to each other all night long from whatever book they chose, had been one of their dreams. Alone, it didn't look like the same fun though.
Matis looked up when Justin stepped in front of him. He put the book away and got to his feet. "You? Here? I was just on my way home. I am tired."
He tried to step past Justin, but he had chosen his reading spot not strategically, and simply by standing in front of him, Justin had him cornered. Justin emphasized the point by shoving his hands into his flanks. At least counting his bun, he was taller than Matis. "Too bad then, that you are not going to rest now."
Matis glared at him. "I am not. And why is that?"
"We were given a task." They stood so close, Justin could feel the heat radiating from Matis, and he could feel his own body reacting to it, longing for the man in front of him, even if that was not the easy and happy Matis, he'd once met and fallen in love with. He was still a pigheaded bastard though, who'd hacked through most obstacles in his way by sheer will. It was almost enough to make Justin smile, if Matis' energy wouldn't have been totally misguided.
"Oh yeah," Matis slapped his forehead, then threw the arm wide. "I almost forgot. Flo acted stupid. We need to make it right for him again."
Justin had no time to explain that things had changed, and that the latest information painted a different picture that foresaw to put Flo into the role of the scapegoat, if they didn't find a way to avoid it. He couldn't understand though, under any circumstances, where the hate for Flo originated from that drove Matis remark. So, he opened his hands as well, in a gesture of incromprehension. "What has gotten into you? Flo is our friend. It is because of him, Hel gave us another chance."
"It was because of him that we needed this chance in the first place," Matis countered.
"No," Justin rapped and shook his head slowly without breaking their eye contact. "It was because of us. No one forced us to anything." He took a deep breath and pressed his lips together. "Besides. Whether this is for Flo or not, is not even the question here. It was our decision, again, to accept Hel's terms when she offered us the position in the Wild Hunt. We promised to assist her whenever she demanded it of us. She did. Our duty is to her. I have no intention to start breaking my promises."
"And you order me to do the same?" Matis burst out.
Justin's fists closed tightly. Once, he had been Matis superior in the army. Not for long, but still. Back then he had refused to act on his feelings for the other man until they were meeting as equals. Everything jibbed inside him to give his partner orders. Matis knew it.
What he didn't know was that Justin felt in no position to give Matis any orders after all that had happened. But what would be his other choice? Letting Matis go and give up on him? "If that is the only language you still understand, then that is in fact exactly what I do. We already messed up one time. I will not allow it to happen again, because –"
"Because I don't react to the situation like a good soldier? Say it already. That's what you think. I'm a coward who's too weak." Matis' eyes shone treacherously, but he refused to let tears roll. Pigheaded to the last.
Justin felt like Matis had kicked him in the teeth. How could his beloved man think so low of himself? Worse even, how could he think that Justin thought so low of him? "I goddam died rather than to live without you. Doesn't that tell you anything about how I feel and think about you?"
"I never asked you to do that," Matis yelled. Every energy and fight left him with these words thought. He looked away, bit his lip and retreated visibly into the shelves behind him. "I am too tired to have this conversation now. Didn't you say that Hel is waiting? That we have urgent business to look after? Lead the way then, lest she uses her magic to turn us from ghost to ink."
"We are not done with this discussion," Justin replied, though to some degree relieved to get out of this conversation himself. His shoulders sagged.
"If you say so, commander."
The hurt petulance in Matis' voice was enough to break Justin. He seized Matis and kissed him. It was hard and it was urgent. Matis simply endured it. He didn't react. He didn't lift his hands to hold on to Justin nor did he push him away. He just stood and waited until it was over. So, Justin's subsequent statement, "You are my partner!" turned into a plea, which Matis wouldn't react to either.
"We are already late," was all he said.