FORTY THREE
I didn't know if it was information overload or something, but knowing what I knew, there was too much. There was too much of everything. I just knew too much about other people and their issues or struggles. It made me wonder if those who are institutionalized are normal. If this is what everyone deems as normal, then maybe I don't want to be normal anymore. It just didn't seem worth it.
I woke up the next day and Jacqueline was just getting up herself. We started the day like normal. It was like any other day to be honest. We got up, breakfast, showered and got ready for class. We were in the science lab, and I had Angel as a partner. Morgan was in a different class. Apparently, this teacher had troubles with Morgan as their student and needed her to be in a different class.
"Do you really think we're going to use any of this useless shit when we work? I mean, I don't want to be a fucking scientist or doctor." Angel said as she chucked away the tongs. She took off her safety goggles and I just sat there labeling the test tubes.
"Maybe when the apocalypse hits and all the scientists and doctors die." I said and Angel sighed and sat there not wanting to continue the subject. And so I began doing it instead, because I didn't want to fail the class.
"So I hear that you and Wesley are a thing now?" Angel asked as she poked my shoulder. I glanced at her before looking back at the test tubes.
"No, he's courting me." I corrected her and she just rolled her eyes.
"Same thing. It ends the same way anyway. I never knew you liked Wesley like that. I always thought you'd go for Henry." Angel said.
I thought so too, but I didn't really see Henry that way. Neither did I see Wesley that way either. Every time I'm reminded of it, I feel guilty for even saying yes to Wesley. I know it's just the courting phase, but even with the courting phase, I'm not sure if I'll end up liking him anyway. How was I sure that this whole thing was going to end with me liking him?
"Alex, Headmistress Edwards wants to see you." My science teacher approached us. I looked over at Angel before taking my safety goggles and gloves off. I took the lab coat off and began my walk to the office.
Why did she want to see me? Did I do something?
I kept wondering what Headmistress Edwards wanted with me. The first thing that was really ringing in my head was that maybe it was my mother? Was she here? If so, I'd rather turn around and walk the different direction. I wasn't ready to just talk with her yet. Not after the last conversation we had. This week I'm going back to my sessions with Dr. Palmer, and she hasn't called me in any of the days that passed either.
As I entered the office, Headmistress Edwards' secretary just told me to go on in. I saw two girls who were sitting by the couch at the office, probably waiting for their turn with the headmistress. One of them had a bleeding nose. Ouch.
"Good morning Alex. You have a visitor." Headmistress Edwards greeted me and gestured to the person sitting on the chair in front of her desk. The person turned around and to my surprise, it was Dr. Arbour.
"Dr. Arbour?" I said and she smiled at me. She got up.
"How are you Alex?" she asked and I didn't know if I should answer. Was this something psychiatrists ask? If so, then I shouldn't answer because she isn't my doctor anymore. Right?
"I came all the way from the US to visit you Alex. We need to talk, and your headmistress has allowed us to use the conference room next door. Shall we go?" Dr. Arbour said and geestured her hand towards the door.
What the fuck was going on?
I led the way towards the conference room right next door to the headmistress' office. I sat down on one of the chairs and Dr. Arbour sat opposite of me. It felt like we were too close, so I got up and moved about four chairs away. She looked at me, confused.
"I don't have a disease Alex. Doesn't that seem too far?" Dr. Arbour asked and I didn't reply.
"You're probably wondering why I'm here, and what exactly it is we need to talk about." Dr. Arbour added. No shit Sherlock.
"Dr. Palmer gave me a call. And she discussed with me the incidents that have happened. Specifically the ones between you and your mother after the holidays. You've been hostile with the information, and Dr. Palmer thought that maybe you'd open up better to me." Dr. Arbour said.
Was Dr. Palmer insane?
Why would I open up to this shrew? I hated her. I couldn't tolerate her, and Dr. Palmer was more tolerable than this one right here. This was the same woman who recommended I hand over my freedom as an 18 year told to my mother because I wasn't ready yet.
"There's nothing that needs to be discussed or opened to about. My mother's a bitch. You should know this, I was institutionalized for years before I came here." I said and Dr. Arbour seemed a bit surprised at my language.
"Alex, you're going back to who you used to be when you first entered the institution. Hostile, completely covered up. Your walls are higher than ever, and you need to break them down in order to move forward. That was part of the reason why I agreed for your mother to remove you from the institution and bring you here. Because you seemed ready, but it seems like coming back here has reverted you to your old ways." Dr. Arbour said and I couldn't believe that I was going back.
"I'm going back because you're here, and because my mother can't seem to move forward either. She's still the same bitch." I said and Dr. Arbour sighed.
"Alex, have you spoken to your mother at all?" Dr. Arbour asked.
"Yeah. She came here a week or so ago and made me cry. Is that what you wanted to know? Or maybe you wanted to know how she basically told me I could never understand her because my father apparently did not think of me when he cheated on my mother. In some twisted way she tried to put in that my father could care less about me because he cheated on her. Trying to put me in the mix of why my father dislikes her. Or maybe what you want to know is how she told me that everything she has done for me so far was for me and me alone." I said as I had my arms crossed.
Dr. Arbour simply looked at me. She wanted to know everything, so I gave her the choices. I didn't know if she was even aware of any of this. I didn't know if my mother had talked to Dr. Palmer about any of this. So if she knew something, it was either twisted by my mother or completely off and blamed on me. Whatever it was, I always knew that Dr. Arbour would never truly listen to me.
"So you and your mother discussed about your father's affair?" Dr. Arbour asked and I felt so aggravated that she got that from everything I said. Aren't these people supposed to be good at listening.
"No, what I'm saying is that my mother can't get over her issues in order to help me. She puts herself first. Do you know that we spend our Sunday sessions talking about her and her problems? We literally sit there for an hour or two discussing her life and her issues while I'm quiet and Dr. Palmer looks bored out of her mind. That's something I'm surprised Dr. Palmer hasn't told you." I said and Dr. Arbour leaned forward onto the table.
"Oh she did. And I actually gave your mother a call and asked her if she had considered seeing a therapist." Dr. Arbour said and I couldn't help but release a chuckle. She looked at me inquisitively.
"What's so funny Alex?" Dr. Arbour asked and I slouched back on the swivel chair.
"My mother and a therapist." I said and Dr. Arbour leaned back, crossing her arms.
"Why? Do you think your mother needs a therapist? In your personal opinion about your mother, do you think she truly needs a therapist?" Dr. Arbour asked and I found myself laughing even more.
"She needs a miracle is what she needs. Possibly the help of the pope, if you have the connections." I said and Dr. Arbour just looked at me. We stared at each other in silence, the typical things we used to do before. I had to admit, I didn' miss this.
Well... Not really...
"If you truly think your mother needs to see a therapist that is something I have to jot down. Something that she be taken care of, because if your mother isn't well then how will she help you?" Dr. Arbour asked and honestly, I ask myself that all the time. I often wondered why she didn't check herself into an institution when she checked me in. She needed it more than me.
"Dr. Arbour, you wasted your time and money coming here. If all you came here is to ask me that then there you go. I'm sure whatever I have to say is either been told to you by Dr. Palmer or my mother twisted the story and told you what she considers to be true, depending on her version of the story." I said and got up, ready to leave.
"Alex, walking away won't stop the problem. It won't resolve it, and you'll stay stuck forever in this space and you'll keep going back here. God forbid you go backwards again." Dr. Arbour said and I stopped by the door as she said this. Maybe she was right, but she could also be wrong.
"I'm better now. I have friends here, I might even have a boyfriend." I said, my face smug as I turned to look at a shocked Dr. Arbour. Given her face wasn't all too expressive, but I knew her well enough to know when she was shocked at what I said. I had Sarah to thank for, after all, she was the queen of shocking Dr. Arbour with her spontaneous attitude.
"A boyfriend?" Dr. Arbour asked and I nodded my head.
"Yes, and doesn't know about me yet. So do me a favor and don't tell him. Go back to the institution, Sarah and Julia still need you." I said and before I could walk away, Dr. Arbour said something that shocked me.
"Sarah's gone." I didn't know if she had meant that Sarah was dead or just ran away, again.
"She ran away and it's been a month. It isn't a shocker but she left all of her things, and none of the girls have heard from her. The places she often goes to, none of them have seen her. Not even her family has seen her." Dr. Arbour said and I felt a sudden surge of panic in me.
Sarah was gone, and the way Dr. Arbour spoke, it really did sound like this was different this time. Dr. Arbour tilted her head a bit, as if observing my expression. I tried my best not to give her the satisfaction of figuring out how I felt about her little news. I didn't want her pulling me into another conversation.
"I don't care about Sarah. She tried to kill me, remember?" I said and Dr. Arbour just looked at me. I didn't wait for her to say anything further, or even give her the chance to so I walked away immediately.
I walked as fast as I could, practically running at this point. My face was full of worry, my heart felt heavy and my mind felt clouded. My vision was kind of becoming blurry, and I honestly couldn't tell if it was because I was crying. Was I crying? I honestly don't know, because I felt very numb. But I was feeling this way because of, what, Sarah?
I was feeling worried about Sarah? The same girl who practically killed me, twice.
We did have decent conversations when I left, but it didn't mean that I forgot what she had done. At one point I did feel like she was a long distance friend of mine, like someone who was in another boarding school like me. But at the same time I couldn't forget what she did, or who she is.
But here I am completely worried about her.
I found myself headed for the bench. I sat down and some of the caretakers were at the greenhouse, but as they left, they didn't notice me at all. I just sat there, and I began patting myself, as if looking for something. But I didn't know what exactly. It took a minute before I could realize that I was trying to look for Henry's notebook, to read a page and distract myself.
But I didn't have it with me. I always had it with me. From the day he gave it to me.
But I didn't have it now, and I haven't read a single page since the night of his birthday. Since I found out about how he felt about me in a confrontation he had with Celina, from when Celina caught me eavesdropping and the confronted me, then Wesley confessing to me about how he felt. Then there was the library, when Henry told me how he felt too. And despite us being okay now it still felt a bit awkward.
And now here I am, just crying on a bench alone.
Maybe Dr. Arbour had her points, maybe I was going back and building my walls higher and higher, so that no one could enter, no one could see me or even take a look at who I am. But was she right though? I did open up to Henry, I did tell him everything, shared with him a piece of my life in the past. But that also felt obligatory since he shared not just a piece of his past but the whole damn book.
But still, I told someone. I told a complete stranger that I had just met. And I felt good about it, I felt safe. How was that going backwards? Or going back to my old roots of being walled up and hostile? Was it because I had told one person?
I didn't even know if I planned to tell Wesley. I told Henry, but since Wesley has begun courting me, it means he'll want to know who I am. Know the real me, from my past to my future. He'll want to know it all. And would I even have the heart to turn him away? I was already feeling guilty for saying yes, imagine what it will do when it comes to judgment day.
I didn't even know if I could tell someone like Wesley such things, If it was ideal for me to even express that part of me. But it seemed fair, but only in the sense that Henry knows but with Wesley becoming a potential boyfriend he will need to know about it too. Being in a relationship is also being intimate right? About trying to make sure that you understand each other? So shouldn't I tell him something as intimate as what I told Henry?