Natsuki Shinomiya
Just like how the lanterns hidden in the depths of the woods glowed differently depending on the melody being played, like how the exact same lyrics could be interpreted differently based on who was reading them, the same scenery could feel different to the heart depending on who you were with, how much that person or those people meant to you, and how much your heart and theirs were smiling.
Like how sitting by the river alone would be lonely if Natsuki were alone but was most calming to the soul when he came with his dearest friends. Like how the countless silver stars spread throughout the Prussian blue draped across the nightscape were brighter and more beautiful when he was gazing up at them with a heart that was not beating alone but together with theirs. Like how the lavender, blue and white of the flowers in the meadows were more vivid and the pink, red, orange and yellow of the fireworks that blossomed in the dark were much warmer when they were with him, the five of them glancing at one another with earnest smiles in their eyes and lips, the colours and lights etching themselves into memories that would never leave the heart. He knew more than anything how much warmer and brighter and more colourful everything seemed and was when he was with them, and that very fact, as well as the pieces of all those moments and memories, would never be forgotten by him, no matter what.
But... as much as they were all together right now...
Everything... had turned cold. Very, very cold.
"You guys... c-can have your jackets... and coats... back."
Ai trembled in Natsuki's arms, his fingers quivering too as they curled weakly around his own.
"You guys... might catch a cold."
"Us catching a cold does not matter right now, Ai!" Ranmaru yelled, shaking his head incredulously as Reiji pressed his foot hard against the accelerator pedal and drove even faster. "You can hardly move and you haven't stopped shaking from the moment you fell in the woods! The four of us catching a cold is freaking nothing; if giving you our outerwear is helping your cause, that's more than enough for the whole lot of us!"
Ranmaru gritted his teeth as he and Natsuki held Ai even tighter.
"Hang in there, okay? I know you can't see us, but all four of us are in this with you and takin' you to Hakase. And we ain't leavin' you for even a second, got it?"
"Yeap, Ai-chan," Natsuki agreed, smiling weakly as Camus looked over his shoulder and grunted in agreement and Reiji agreed while keeping his eyes on the road. After realizing how excruciating and cruel Ai's current condition was, Natsuki, Ranmaru, Reiji and Camus had all hurried out of the woods with him and back to the car, with Natsuki carrying a trembling Ai in his arms as he led everyone out. While Camus and Reiji sat at the front, Natsuki and Ranmaru sat at the back with Ai in the middle. All four of the eldest members of the group had given Ai their coats and jackets for them to wear and it had helped a little, but was not nearly enough to stop the teal-haired boy's quivers and pain. His head laid against Natsuki's shoulder, with the weight of his body soundlessly following suit. While both Natsuki and Ranmaru each had one arm draped protectively and reassuring around him, he was bundled up in the four jackets and coats from his friends, quietly inhaling and exhaling from time to time, even as his breath may falter. His right hand was intertwined with Natsuki's, often squeezing a little tighter, as though he was terrified that it was merely an illusion and would disappear.
Giving Ai's hand a tight squeeze, Natsuki smiled painfully as he looked down into the pair of hollow teal eyes that had lost their sight, not a single flicker of light to be seen as his heart broke a little more at the cruel sight.
We are with you, just like you are with us. Just like under the ever-changing, glowing lights of those lanterns, just like in every other place that we have visited together, just like always. But right now... you are in so much pain, Ai-chan. As we hold you and hope with all our hearts that everything is going to be okay, you are trembling, your body extremely cold and limp pressed against mine, tears that have fallen glimmering faintly on your cheeks.
The blinding blue light remained streaked against the surface of Ai's hands as the tremors of his body silently quavered through the cold silence like a hollow voice.
As vivid as those places were, if we were to go to any of them right now, with you being tortured by this much pain and sadness... they would only be extremely hurtful to see. And right now, we don't want to go to any of them at all. Not like this. Not when you are hurting and we are hurting with you.
"I hate to inform you this, but Hakase is not answering any of my calls."
Camus looked over his shoulder, his narrowed, ice-blue eyes deep with grim concern.
"I have called four times consecutively, but I suspect that his cellphone is currently inactive. Therefore, regardless how many attempts I make, all of my calls have been forwarded to voicemail."
"Oh God..."
Ranmaru gritted his teeth as frustration flashed across his heterochromatic eyes.
"How is it that now of all times, when we need him to help Ai more than ever, he ain't respondin'?" he demanded, his voice edged with anger. "The least that he could do is tell us what we can do while we're on the way there so that Ai doesn't have to suffer this much! We're still an hour away and you're tellin' us that there ain't anythin' else we can do?"
"Are the extra layers helpin' at least?" Reiji asked, his voice filled with worry as he made a turn at an intersection.
"A little, but Maru-chan and I could hardly feel it," Natsuki answered softly, shaking his head as he gently placed a hand onto Ai's forehead. Sadness crossed his heart like cold waves. "I tried checking again, but it's still more or less the same. Ai-chan... is the pain disappearing?"
"N-No..." Ai whispered, his voice wavering as Ranmaru and Camus looked down at him. "I... I still can hardly m-move either... It is like my movement... has been numbed while the cold... translated to pain."
His lips twisted into a quiet wince as his eyes remained an empty teal and he exhaled painfully.
"An endless pain that does not feel... like it's fading anytime soon."
"Ai-Ai..."
"I'm just glad... that at the very least... I c-can still hear and feel... and speak..."
"Ai, don't say it-"
"Because it's already so dark..." Ai uttered quietly, a lone tear slipping down his right cheek as his hand quivered in Natsuki's, his fingers curling even more as his shoulders trembled, "being unable to see anything... any of you, or even a fragment of light... even as my eyes are open. Even as painful as it is... I am glad... and thankful..."
His other hand clutched the lapel of the olive jacket that Reiji had lent him, his lips wavering slightly.
"...t-that you are here... a-and I know it."
Natsuki could feel the slivers of his already-cracked heart shatter even more into the broken night as he quietly shook his head and whispered Ai's name. Camus' eyes were tight with unspoken pain and Ranmaru hung his head and cursed softly as the cars ahead of them blared their honks and flashed their headlights throughout a night that may be ordinary and innocuous for them but was excruciating and cruel for everyone in this quintet. Out of the corner of his eye, Natsuki could see Reiji tightening his grip on the steering wheel, the brunet trying to resist the urge to turn around knowing that he had to drive safely and properly if it meant getting their teal-haired best friend to the professor as soon as possible, and it only broke the already-shattered night even more knowing how much everyone was suffering for Ai, for their dearest, dearest friend.
I don't understand why Ai-chan has to suffer like this, why today was so bright only for the cold pain to come overshadowing all of it when all we wanted was to make today special for him...
Natsuki hugged Ai even tighter as Ranmaru tightened his grip on the teal-haired boy's shoulder, neither of them letting go as the car rode along the road of driven snow.
Why... does it have to be so cold, dark and painful... when we just wanted him to earnestly smile...?
"I want... to hear... your voices..."
Ai's voice resounded through the pure silence, quietly as its words were tinged with sadness.
"This darkness... is s-so cold..." he continued softly, even as his voice quivered, "and t-this silence... is m-making it even colder... So... if you can... can you please... let me hear your voices...? Your t-tone... your words... about... anything..."
His lips curled into a weak smile even as his eyes remained devoid of light.
"I just... w-want... to hear you..."
His eyes widened in quiet anguish, Natsuki felt tears well up inside of him as he, Ranmaru, Camus and Reiji who had stopped at a red light looked at one another, the four of them not at all expecting those torturous, fragile words from the youngest of the quintet. Before any of them could speak, Ai's quiet voice reached their ears again.
"How... does the scenery... look like...?"
"Well..."
Reiji swallowed thickly, his right hand gripping the steering wheel even more tightly as his left elbow leaned against the surface of the backrest, his grey eyes glimmering with deep sadness.
"The sun has set, kinda earlier than usual, and that leaves us with the night sky," he slowly spoke, his voice quieter than usual. "As magical as these car drives may be, where we are as of now ain't the best place to have a grand view of the nightscape, of its stars and moon. Not even close."
"I see..."
Ai slowly nodded once, his voice faint.
"Is it... a clear sky?"
"It is," Camus answered, his voice firm but a little softer than it normally was, matching the expression in his ice-blue eyes. "As clear as it can be, without a single cloud or trail of mist to be seen, the moon and its companions are left unveiled on the night sky. From our current viewpoint, that is."
"Is the night bright...?"
"The stars and the moon are shining down on us, gently and faintly," Natsuki replied softly, wrapping his arm around the younger boy a little tighter, trying to not let his own voice tremble as he spoke. "Against the dark, they are truly incandescent, but... not nearly as bright as they could be. Because right now, just like us... they are pouring their light onto you in deep hope that you will be alright."
"No night can ever be as bright as it could be if any single one of us is in pain," Ranmaru added, giving Ai's shoulder a tight squeeze as he shook his head seriously. The light flashed green and Reiji was forced to tear his eyes away and start driving again. "Not even freaking close, and that's how we all feel right now. That's what we all feel and see right now. And it's somethin' that anyone with a heart can see even without their sight, so... you know that already, don't you, Ai?"
"Because the scenery changes... depending on the people... and their emotions..."
Ai smiled slightly, his words quiet but gentle.
"Wasn't... that... what... the four of you... taught me...?"
"It is what we taught one another," Camus corrected, his eyes narrowed slightly but deep with earnestness. "One another, Mikaze."
"One... another..."
Ai whispered weakly, his voice quivering amidst its syllables.
"I find this rather... ironic... Camus."
Camus furrowed his eyebrows. "What exactly are you referring to?"
"Your... voice..." Ai continued, smiling a little more as the car rocked to the right and Camus' eyes remained focused on him with his head turned over his shoulder. "I do not... understand... why there are people... who refer to the tone... you normally use... when you are away from public... as being... incapable... of being gentle." Camus' eyes widened marginally. "Because as stern... and demanding... as it often sounds... even now... it is simultaneously resolute... and gentle... and earnest, amidst its inimitable baritone."
Camus narrowed his eyes again, but this time, they were softer with emotion. "Mikaze."
"Ai," Ranmaru's voice was etched with worry as he stared down at Ai, "we can all hear how painful it is for you to speak. You wanted to hear our voices, right? It's more than fine with us if you just keep quiet while we speak so that you don't have to suffer any more than you already-"
"Ranmaru... your voice... shares... that similarity."
"Of all the people that you can say are similar to me, it ain't any of the whole lot of you, especially Camus and Natsuki!"
"Your voice is outwardly gruff... and often interpreted as impolite... and harsh... and angry..."
"Oi!"
"You know... that I am just... stating facts..." Ai uttered softly, releasing a small but weak chuckle, "as... I normally do..." His lips twisted into a slight wince and Natsuki immediately gave his hand a tight squeeze as Ranmaru's expression turned even more concerned. "But do recall... that I utilized the word 'outwardly'. Your voice... is also in the lower, deeper range... and as strong-willed as your voice is... even as much as you raise it... on a daily basis... behind your unrestrained anger... and frustration... there has always pulsated a heart... t-that has never stopped... being kind... and soft... throughout your s-strength..."
His body quivered even more, but as he released a wavering breath, he allowed his lips to ease into a small smile.
"After all... f-flames... are powerful... but kind too... right?"
"Ai-Ai..." As Ranmaru lowered his eyes that were filled with emotions amidst which pain existed, Reiji spoke softly but in an anguished tone as he stopped at another red light, looking over his shoulder to face Ai. "Ai-Ai... what's going on in your head right now? Because we don't get why you're saying all this right now, especially when you're in so much pain-"
"Reiji... I am aware that back when... QUARTET NIGHT... was still dysfunctional... before the night you took Natsuki in... I..." he exhaled softly, his words tinged with silent guilt, "almost never gave you any credit... for anything... even when you... earnestly deserved it."
Reiji's eyes dilated in utter shock. "Ai-Ai, you don't have to think about that! It's okay-"
"It's... not..." Ai slowly shook his head, the blue streaks on his hands glinting against the white headlights that flashed through the dark-tinted windows, "... and one of the multifarious things... that I did not... commend you for nearly enough then... was... your voice. I often associated you... and your voice... with w-words... such as 'loud' and 'annoying' a-and... 'excessive'... Words... that never truly... shed light... on what a wonderful voice... it was... that you had..."
Reiji's grey eyes were starting to turn glassy and he blinked a few times, like he was trying hard to not let the tears fall. That was when the traffic light transitioned from red to orange and he quickly turned his head back to the front, readjusting his grip on his steering wheel. However, when Natsuki looked into the rear-view mirror, he could see that the brunet's eyes, while focused on driving the car, were filled with unspeakable torture.
"Your voice... is normally... at a high volume, yes... but... its vibrancy, its brightness, its sheer vividness... all of it combined... is more than enough... to illumine our days... including mine... with colours... Even when I... had yet... to understand... how much it m-meant to me... I don't... believe... that any of those days... would have been near complete... if your voice... wasn't there. From your tone... to your volume... you are unspeakably expressive... and articulate... and your voice displays it vividly... and honestly..."
Reiji's left hand quivered slightly on the steering wheel as he exhaled a trembling breath.
"So even... as excruciating as life may be... please... do not allow anyone... to prevent your voice... from resounding."
"Y-Yep."
Reiji cracked a smile as he looked into the rear-view mirror, the tears more vivid now.
"I got it, our lovely Ai-Ai. I ain't changin' that, especially on any of you."
Natsuki smiled softly, his heart throbbing at his closest friends' sadness and painful warmth, and the hand intertwined with his quietly squeezed a little. His eyes widening slightly, he looked down at Ai, whose head remained on his shoulder but was tilted up slightly towards the direction of looking up at him. "Ai... chan...? Is something wrong...?"
"One of the first things about your voice... that initially piqued my interest... Natsuki... was its versatility."
"Its... versatility...?" Natsuki repeated in a near whisper, confused.
"Your voice... just like its owner... is pure, kind, warm and innocent... It is light... and carefree... and bright... much akin to a warm spring day. I had been... undeniably surprised... when I discovered... how powerful... and passionate that same voice... was capable of being... while singing... emotional songs of... various genres... that strangers... would not have suspected you... of being able... to sing properly given... your gentle nature." Ai laced his fingers along with Natsuki's a bit more as warm tears welled up at the back of the blond's eyes. "It continuously moves me... even just hearing it... and right now... as I sit here with you... the warm spring day in your voice... lingers on... even in the dark that my eyes cannot see beyond."
Natsuki tightened his arm around Ai as the latter smiled gently, the younger boy's words causing his heart to quiver amidst both deep warmth and sadness as tears rose behind his eyes.
"Even the gentlest voices... can echo powerfully too... and that... is what your voice... t-taught me."
"Mikaze, you are well aware that we appreciate your earnest remarks about us," Camus stated, his tone serious like the gaze in his eyes, "but what neither of us comprehends is why you are abruptly speaking of this, in this specific situation no less, with your condition substantially fragile as it is."
"Because it almost sounds like you're saying goodbye," Reiji proceeded, his voice laced with pain and worry as his grey eyes remained on the road while reflecting those same emotions. "And that scares us more than we can say using words, Ai-Ai, because we... we don't wanna ever lose you, ya know."
"I s-said all those words... not to say goodbye or imply that..." Ai spoke gently, shaking his head slightly on Natsuki's shoulder. "I said it... because the soundless heart... that could feel emotions... in my chest... wished to. Because I wished to... Because... one thing that I learnt from you, whether through experience... or observation... was that..."
The small smile that tinged his lips was innocuously peaceful even in the cold night, and Natsuki's heart swelled with deep anguish and warmth all at once.
"That... saying warm things... about the people you love... makes you happy... Isn't that why... all of you... always end up happier... smiling more... after you say warm and kind words... about one another...?"
His free hand, although quivering, slowly reached up and rested on the left side of his chest.
"Why... I... feel... warmer now...?"
The lump in Natsuki's throat grew thicker as his heart pulsated even louder amongst emotions that threatened to overflow in this broken night of shards that glinted and reflected the light of Ai's pure, gentle words. Smiling through the tears that were precariously close to falling, Natsuki gave Ai's hand a tight, reassuring squeeze and whispered as evenly as he could, "Yeap, Ai-chan. The warmth of your words, your emotions, your everything... it is blanketing you like the light of the stars, of your kindness."
"Now take it easy, okay, Ai?" Ranmaru carded his fingers through Ai's teal hair and grinned slightly. "While it's real nice to hear ya be that deep and honest, ya really need to not push too much. Ya said that ya wanted to hear our voices, so even if you remain silent, you can count on me, Natsuki, Reiji and Camus to keep talkin' if it means helpin' ya through this broken night."
"We were never the peaceful bunch when it comes to noise levels, after all," Reiji remarked, letting out a weak chuckle.
"Which is a speciality that is bound to never cease," Camus added with a good-natured smirk.
"Y... Yeah..."
Ai laughed quietly, nodding into Natsuki's shoulder.
"It... never will... will it n-"
Ai cut himself mid-sentence as his lips twisted into a wince and his body trembled even more violently, causing Natsuki's heart to thud in painful shock. "Ai-chan!" Camus' eyes widened as Ranmaru and Reiji yelled out to Ai, whose fingers were trying to tighten their hold around Natsuki's own as his lips released quivering breaths. Grasping Ai's hand even tighter, Natsuki held him as he, Camus, Ranmaru and Reiji exchanged looks of worry and fear, all four of them asking the others what to do, if they had any idea what to do, as the blue streaks intensified like engulfing waves that crashed upon their hearts.
"My... v... voi... ce..."
Staring down at Ai, Natsuki's eyes slowly dilated when he realized that his best friend's voice was gradually turning fainter and fainter, like a star that had fallen from the sky and was watching its own glow fade away into the ephemeral night. "Ai-chan, your voice-"
"It's... d..."
His lips were moving, but not a single syllable could be heard, no matter how silent. Letting out a soft gasp at the cruel realization, Natsuki swivelled his head around to face Ranmaru, who was already facing him with heterochromatic eyes that reflected the deep terror and agony that was wrenching his heart. With Reiji staring at the road with grey eyes filled with fear and anguish and Camus' expression even grimmer than before, Natsuki looked down at Ai and his heart quivered at the words being mouthed at him by lips that were devoid of even the slightest smile:
I can't speak.
His hand quivering in Natsuki's, Ai shifted a little, his lips slowly moving without a trace of any sound.
All I can do now... is touch... and hear.
Ranmaru Kurosaki
Ranmaru could swear that he had never hated the colour blue in his life nearly as much as he did right now as the cursed light etched the body of his friend who had not only lost his ability to see, but was now also unable to let his voice out.
Was the colour blue not supposed to be calming? Serene? Assuring? Comforting? If so, then why on freaking earth was it intensifying like cries as it shone on a place where it never belonged? Why was it representing a pain that was not supposed to freaking exist in the first place? Tightening his grip on his close friend, Ranmaru could only grit his teeth as he stared down at the hollow teal eyes that could only stare into blackness as their body trembled without any restraint or control, hardly able to believe that the today that was supposed to be special for Ai was letting him suffer like this. As much as red, which was Ranmaru's theme colour, and blue were often referred to as opposites, he never had anything against the colour blue, or even disliked it, until now, at which he could hardly stand seeing it.
And as a hurricane of thoughts spun around his head wildly, he could not help but remember how the colour blue had been painfully associated with more than one member of this group at least once.
The dark blue of the night sky under which Natsuki had been relentlessly tortured and Reiji, Ai, Ranmaru and Camus found him bleeding out.
The cold blue of the waves of the sea into which Aine, Reiji's closest friend, had tried to drown himself.
The blue river that the five of them often frequented at which countless tears had been shed.
And now... these streaks of blue light that only served to represent the suffering brought upon Ai, who never deserved it even the slightest bit, who had spent a painful amount of time being uncertain about his emotions only for his sight and ability to speak to be stolen away from him. And today was his freaking birthday. The four of them - Reiji, Natsuki, Camus and Ranmaru - still had so much more in store to celebrate their close friend's special day and yet... that blue light that was as cold as it was cruel would not disappear even a little.
The more I see this cold blue, the more this entire thing is freaking killing me on the inside.
Adjusting the midnight-blue coat wrapped around his quivering friend, Ranmaru could feel the flames of anger and agony smouldering his own heart and threatening to reduce it to mere ashes as he saw Ai's lips twist in pain and the car was stirred to the right sharply.
If that Hakase knew somethin' about this and didn't tell us, don't blame me if I wanna punch him on the face for puttin' Ai through this.
"Camus, how much longer until we get there?" Ranmaru questioned, not bothering to hide the vexation in his voice.
"20-25 minutes."
"Are you freaking serious?"
"That is on the condition that the traffic does not become more severe than it already is," Camus continued, his eyes grim as they remained lowered to his cellphone. He shook his head. "Kotobuki, I trust that you know your coordinates, so I will momentarily exit the application to attempt to contact Hakase again."
"Yeap," Reiji responded, his voice tight with pain as he glanced at Camus with a weak smile, "you got it, Myu-chan."
"Meanwhile, Shinomiya, Kurosaki, has Mikaze's trembling lessened even by a scant amount?"
"No, Myu-chan," Natsuki answered quietly, shaking his head with sadness flooding his green eyes. "I'm sorry, but... it hasn't stopped even a little. And his hand is still so cold."
Ai parted his lips and mouthed something that Ranmaru could not read. Looking at Natsuki, whom everyone entrusted with reading Ai's lips and speaking for him, Ranmaru felt his heart clench when he saw the younger blond's eyes widen with sorrow as he stared down at the silent teal-haired boy.
"Ai-chan said... he was sorry," Natsuki said softly. He shook his head as hurt flashed across his face. "But Ai-chan, there isn't anything that you need to apologize for. None of this is your fault and we... we just want you to be okay."
His voice cracked slightly.
"There isn't anything that we wouldn't do for you. We love you, Ai-chan!"
Natsuki had ever mentioned that he often forgot that Ai was younger than him. Given how mature, disciplined, knowledgeable and composed Ai was for his age, Ranmaru could understand where Natsuki was coming from. However, at times like now, Ranmaru could vividly see how much of a protective older brother Natsuki was to Ai. He could tell that Natsuki was trying his best to not cry in order to stay strong for Ai throughout this bleeding night and how much love and care he had for the younger boy from the way he held Ai in his arms, how patiently he read his lips, the emotions that filled his eyes and voice like a storm of tears. Wordlessly, Ranmaru reached out and placed a hand on top of Natsuki's head, tousling his soft blond hair gently to reassure him too.
The four of us - you, me, Camus and Reiji - are and will always be Ai's big bros.
Natsuki raised his head to face him and Ranmaru cracked a pained grin at him, with that being the best smile that he could manage in this broken time. Natsuki smiled sadly in return and they lowered their eyes to Ai again, neither of them wanting to miss even a syllable of what he wished to say.
We'd do whatever it takes for this pain to end. No words need to be said for that message to be gotten across. Not even a single word.
Ai moved his lips again and Natsuki focused deeply, his green eyes serious.
"'Before you woke me up... this morning... I had... a cold dream... A nightmare.'"
Natsuki quietly nodded as Ai proceeded, speaking softly on behalf of the quivering boy.
"'I was terrified... of a cold eternity... without you guys... of being trapped... in this world... unable... to die... unable... to see you or hear you... again.'"
Those words cracked Ranmaru's heart like shards of glass breaking one another as tears peeked from the corners of Ai's eyes and began to trickle down his face like rivers. All of them knew that Ai had numerous sorrowful thoughts towards the type of being he was, but this... this was one thought that he had never mentioned or even hinted at even once. This cruel, shattered thought... that no one would ever want to see turn into reality. Natsuki, whose green eyes were glistening with pure shock and anguish, had spoken with a faltering voice while saying those words, clearly tortured by the image behind those words. Camus appeared taken aback as well while Reiji, who was trying his best to not look back and instead focus on the road, was clenching his teeth in pain, the knuckles of the hands gripping his steering wheel already a sickly white.
"'But I...'" Ai's lips moved again, despite quivering, and Natsuki continued to speak for him, "'... I believed that neither you four... nor Hakase... would leave me alone... like that... And so... I did not let that cold dream... hinder us... from smiling today... And yet with this twisted irony...'"
Ai let out a quivering breath before moving his lips again, and that was when Natsuki's eyes widened in pure agony.
"'Now I am scared...'"
Natsuki released a trembling exhale as his fingers intertwined with Ai's even tighter.
"'... that I may not live... through... the night.'"
"Don't say that, Ai!" Ranmaru shouted, clenching his fist tightly, his tone blazing with emotion. "You're right when you said that none of us are gonna let you live a cold eternity alone in this world. There ain't any freaking chance that's ever happening; not even over our dead bodies! But you are gonna live through this, got it? We ain't lettin' you slip away either, ya know, no matter how cold tonight is!"
"We have gone through countless ordeals without ever folding our cards, without turning our backs on one another," Camus went on, his ice-blue eyes narrowed with seriousness amidst the unmasked pain present in them. "And we are most certainly not about to start now. Not on you, not on one another, Mikaze. For that will never happen - that, all of us can promise you."
"You're not going to die tonight, Ai-Ai," Reiji told Ai, his voice quavering. "Your four oldest bros - Rei-Rei, Nattsun, Myu-chan and Ran-Ran - are not gonna let that happen. Just like you believe that we will not leave you to live a cold eternity here, believe us when we say that we will not let you die now too, because we won't. We won't and will do everything we can to make sure it does not happen!"
"We will never leave you alone, Ai-chan," Natsuki assured Ai gently, squeezing his hand tightly as he cracked a broken smile. "We love you more than anything and anyone. And neither of those... will ever change. We mean it."
Ai's lips trembled as more tears seeped down his cheeks, wavering breaths slipping free into the cold atmosphere. It only took a brief glance between them for Natsuki and Ranmaru to begin gently wiping the tears away from his cheeks with their thumbs, with the former wiping the left and the latter the right, gently and delicately, one cheek each. Camus extended a hand and softly placed it on Ai's left knee and gave it a tight squeeze while Reiji glanced over his shoulder with a sorrowful but gentle smile, whispering, "Our lovely, precious Ai-Ai..."
Slowly, Ai spread a quivering arm and immediately recognizing the gesture, Natsuki and Ranmaru wrapped their arms around their tearful friend and hugged him tightly. The two older brothers gently rocked him in their arms in an unspoken yet synchronized rhythm, much like a child who was unable to fall asleep, and from where he was, Ranmaru saw that even as Ai's eyes remained empty, his lips were quivering a little less now, and it calmed him down to a certain degree.
Knowing that Ai wished to hear their voices, Ranmaru was thinking of what to say when the voice of the third and only other person sitting at the back with him began to reverberate softly into his ears.
"'One, two, the bright memories etched into my mind'"
Instantly recognizing the song, Ranmaru's eyes widened and he spun around to face Natsuki, whose green eyes were lowered to Ai, whom he cradled in his arms, tender and warm as he sung soothingly to him. The part right after the first chorus... of Ai's 'Winter Blossom'... He glanced up at Ranmaru, Camus and through the rear-view mirror, Reiji, quietly asking them to sing too, as he continued.
"'These memories aren't bad, they transform into warmth'"
Ah, that was right. Ai had often sung this particular solo song of his to soothe Natsuki and Reiji when any of the two had any nightmares or were unable to sleep because of cold thoughts. And Ranmaru also noticed that Natsuki had skipped to this part of the song instead of starting from the very beginning, and without even needing to ask, he knew why: The first part of the song, with the lyrics that it held, which included the heart-wrenching "Bye-bye, my dear...", would only bring more sadness to Ai rather than warm him and calm him down. Encircling his arms around Ai even tighter, Ranmaru let his lips slant into a slight smile as he and Camus and Reiji, both who had small, knowing smiles on their faces, began to sing as well.
"'The distance is too far,
And surely there will be days when it hurts
Wondering what I should have done,
Probably by now... I feel like I understand'"
As the four of them sang softly and gently with voices that harmonized in the sadness of the night, Natsuki and Ranmaru carefully pulled away a little to look at Ai, and while the younger boy was still quivering, his lips had eased into a more serene state, a hint of a bittersweet smile existing there, as a few droplets of tears slipped down his face.
We got ya, Ai.
Ranmaru patted him on the back a few times as Natsuki squeezed his hand a little, the two of them smiling softly as they watched over their invaluable, close friend.
We all got ya.
"'In the end, with a smile... I hope I don't cry
So I absolutely won't forget today'
'I will live on... within you...'
For this love... ooh, thank you...'"
Ranmaru remembered how he had always adamantly refused to sing Ai's ballads during karaoke and gaming sessions, knowing fully well that the younger boy would not at all let him off the hook if he mutilated even a single verse of the songs. But right here, in the old-fashioned green car that the five of them rode just about everywhere and was now heading to Hakase's place, he was singing Ai's very first solo ballad with Natsuki, Reiji and Camus, not caring that his singing was not perfect, not caring if Ai slipped in a good-natured, blunt remark later on, with all he wanted being that they were able to alleviate his hurting at least a little more, for their friend deserved that and more.
"A cold eternity"... Don't ever let your mind wander off to that ever again, Ai.
"'And now, this entire existence... known as me,
I'll protect the flower you've become,'"
'Cause you have a bright eternity with us.
"'Somehow, I believe... In the future, this seed'"
All of us. And that...
"'Will bloom into my heart... I'm sure!'"
... won't ever be a lie.
"'My promise to you...'"
Reiji Kotobuki
During the entire car ride, it had taken every fibre of strength inside Reiji's being to not let a single tear fall or else he would have broken down right there and then.
Being the person driving the car, he was hardly able to look at Ai, with most of the time that he got to watch over him being when the car stopped at red lights or was trapped in the middle of traffic. Every time he had had to force his eyes away from the trembling boy whose cheeks were marked with tears, Reiji had felt the lump in his throat thicken as he tried to hold back his tears and sobs, gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles had gone pale, painful warmth welling up at the back of his own eyes.
Don't cry now, Reiji, he muttered to himself in his head. We're almost there and Ai-Ai's much calmer now. Don't let the tears fall. Don't let the sobs be heard.
Reiji swallowed thickly as he turned at yet another intersection, his heartbeat unsteady and loud in his ears and chest, unable to stop his own body from shaking.
Ai-Ai can be tended to by Hakase soon. He'll be okay. He will be-
A hand suddenly pressed down onto his left shoulder and squeezed firmly.
His eyes slowly widening, Reiji turned and saw Camus facing him with a slight but earnest smile, mouthing, We are alright, Kotobuki, with the words "It is okay to cry" hidden beneath those syllables. Camus then gestured at the rear-view mirror and letting out a shaky exhale, Reiji raised his head and saw that through the mirror, both Natsuki and Ranmaru were looking at him too, the two males giving him gentle smiles that assured him that they would all be okay. And between them, Ai had stopped crying as his head laid against Natsuki's shoulder, his lips pained but a little more serene than before.
Just a few more turns and we'll arrive, Ai-Ai.
Cracking a watery smile at his four dearest people, Reiji felt no guilt or regret as his first tear of the night slipped down his right cheek and he continued to drive them to Hakase's house, as the snow continued to fall from the sky like white flower petals.
Our precious Ai-Ai who will forever be our flower... we'll be there soon and when we are... we'll be right inside with you - as family. The letter "f" in the "five" of us is "forever", after all, which is just like everyone promised and proved tonight...
Letting out a quiet, shaky exhale, Reiji saw the streetlamps that they passed flash with a near blinding white as the tears threatened to blur his eyes over. However, blinking through those tears, Reiji sniffled and gripped his steering wheel and continued to drive, his heart palpitating loudly in his chest.
And that "forever" is not and will not ever be frozen, because we will always have one another, just like how even the coldest winter always has a warm spring waiting for it at the very end. It's snowing coldly and endlessly right now, but just like you sang in "Winter Blossom", snow shares a similarity with sakura flowers, with both being a silent white, right?
The lyrics echoing soundlessly in his head, Reiji peered at Ai through the rear-view mirror and saw him quietly resting his head against Natsuki's shoulders even as he quivered, before he carefully made another turn in the neighbourhood, drifting along the snow that had fallen onto the grey road.
When this night is over, instead of simply cold, the snow, just like sakura and lavenders that you love, will be gentle, for you have us to make sure of it, Ai-Ai.
Camus
"Hakase!"
Upon slamming the front door open, Ranmaru shouted out to Ai's professor, his fists clenched tightly as he stormed across the area and glanced around.
"Hakase, where are you? We know that we're earlier than we agreed on, but right now, we have a freaking emergency! We need ya to help Ai!"
Camus shut the door firmly behind him as he, Reiji and Natsuki glanced around the house as well, with the latter carrying the trembling Ai in his arms. Although arriving at the destination should have provided a form of reassurance or comfort to them, from the moment they entered Hakase's place of residence, its cold silence gave way to an eerie, ominous feeling inside of Camus, and when it came to trusting his gut, he was normally correct. Ranmaru and Reiji flung open door after door, calling out to the middle-aged man as Camus and Natsuki followed closely behind them.
"The lab is this way, right?"
"Yeap!"
"Let's go!"
Ranmaru and Reiji hurried towards the direction of the laboratory and Camus and Natsuki followed. As he walked briskly beside Natsuki, Camus shifted his eyes down to Ai and his heart clenched slightly at the hollow teal eyes staring up at the ceiling. As much as Camus had seen multifarious horrendous sights throughout his life, he would be lying if he said that the lack of life and emotion in his dear friend's normally-calm yet bright eyes did not have cause any twinge of emotion to occur in his heart. Gritting his teeth, Camus tapped onto the screen of his cellphone and attempted to call Hakase again, more than half-sure that he was somehow absent from his own house at the very moment. Yet a few seconds later, the result was unavoidably the same cold result: emotionless static.
Hakase, how dare you-
"He ain't freaking in here either! Where on earth is-"
"Aine's gone!"
His eyes widening at the sound of Reiji's words, Camus exchanged looks of disbelief with Natsuki as they entered the laboratory area of the house, only to discover that the eldest of the group was indeed correct. The encapsulated bed that a comatose Aine Kisaragi had occupied for years was currently empty, with not even a lock of hair to be seen. The monotonous beeping of machines was all that could be heard from the dull workplace as Ranmaru slammed a fist against the wall and cursed a few times and Reiji yelled out to both Aine and Hakase in sheer fear and worry, those exact emotions sheening the brunet's wide grey eyes.
"'Aine... is not... here too...?'"
Camus swivelled around to face Natsuki, who was carefully reading Ai's lip movement again, and the younger blond slowly shook his head as pain tinged his green eyes.
"No, Ai-chan... Aine is not on his bed and we haven't been able to see anyone else here."
"I have attempted to call Hakase's mobile number again," Camus spoke up, glancing around at Reiji, Ranmaru and Natsuki grimly, "but unfortunately, he somehow remains unresponsive."
"So what do we freaking do?" Ranmaru exclaimed, grabbing a fistful of his own spiky silver hair. "Life can't just freaking expect us to just let Ai suffer all the way 'til the appointed meeting time! That's just freaking messed up!"
"Ai-Ai," Reiji spoke with a soft, tortured voice, approaching Ai and Natsuki with unsteady footsteps, "is the pain getting any lesser? Are you going to be able to wait until 10 if we have to?"
"'No... the pain... is still the same... and cold...'" Ai's lips moved again and Natsuki began speaking for him again, the latter's green eyes tight with pain. "'On the condition... that... it does... not aggravate... I... believe... that I... can endure this... until... Hakase... comes.'"
"Will lying down help?" Ranmaru questioned, gesturing at the empty bed behind him. "'Cause he can lie down here if it will do any good."
Ai opened his mouth again, but out of a sudden, the blue light that had streaked his body began glowing with an even-greater intensity, spreading along his skin like cold waves that blinded rather than soothed the aching soul. His hollow eyes widened as Natsuki and Reiji cried out to him and he quivered even more violently in the former's arms, quiet, unsteady breaths slipping out of his lips without any restraint. While Natsuki tightened his arms around the teal-haired boy, Camus reached out for Ai's left hand and Reiji took hold of his right hand while Ranmaru clasped his right hand over the top of Ai's head. Even though not a single one of them had any clue as to what was unravelling before their eyes, no one was about to let go of Ai, not even by the slightest ounce.
We will not allow our promise to slip from our grasps.
Staring down at the trembling Ai, Camus tightened his hand around the younger boy as his own heart clenched painfully in his chest, turning grimmer with each evanescent, slipping moment.
Never, Mikaze. Never.
Ai's lips, although quivering, slowly opened, as though in shock, and closed again within moments, his eyes widened marginally.
Frowning deeply, Camus was about to ask what was the matter when the tremors of Ai's body slowly began to lessen, like a pendulum that was gradually decelerating with each repetitive swing. As did the glowing blue that had seared the surface of his body, resembling the extinguishing of a candlelight's wavering flame in this empty lighting. Eventually, within a few evanescent moments that disappeared into the hollow, broken night, Ai completely stopped trembling and the blue light on his visible skin was no more, leaving him laying limply in Natsuki's arms without a single sound or movement detected from him as his hollow eyes stared up at the ceiling.
"Ai-chan...?"
Natsuki called out softly to Ai, his green eyes filled with deep concern.
"Ai-chan, can you hear me? Ai-chan?"
"Ai-Ai?" Reiji began calling out as well, shaking Ai on the shoulder, the worry amplifying in his voice with each lack of response. "Ai-Ai? Ai-Ai!"
"Ai!"
As Ranmaru shouted out to Ai, Camus called out the younger boy's name as well, gripping his hand even tighter in his own as his heart turned grimmer and grimmer, adamantly refusing to counter in the worst possibilities just yet. However, at that very moment, Ai's hollow eyes began to slowly slide to a close, the teal colour of those eyes disappearing like an ephemeral illusion being concealed behind veils of curtain, much to their shock and anguish.
"No!" Reiji shouted, his voice cracking.
But no matter how many voices shattered, Ai's eyes fell to a close, vaguely reminding Camus of how waves would always fall regardless how high they may rise, and did not open regardless of their calls and cries to him. And Camus could only grit his teeth in utter helplessness, a wretched emotion that he despised more than anything, as Ranmaru shrieked with a burning voice that could not light a single ember against this cruel coldness and tears that could not bring even a smidgen of warmth to the heart started to fall from Reiji and Natsuki's eyes and slip down their cheeks.
Gripping Ai's hand tightly, Camus quietly uttered that it would be best if they laid Ai down on the bed and that at this very moment, they had no option but to wait for Hakase and allow time to tell what would occur next, all while staying by their dear friend's side, all while doing so in this cold and hollow room in which their hearts pulsated without a trace of warmth as they hoped deeply that he would eventually awaken and that when he did...
Camus felt his own heart wrench in his chest.
... his pain was no more, regardless how broken now was.
Ai Mikaze
What... am I doing here...?
Blinking carefully two times, Ai quietly took in his surroundings, well aware that this was not reality, uncertain as to for what reason in particular he was standing here alone, his eyesight and voice restored in this ephemeral place that would disappear once he regained consciousness in the real world.
Why am I here... when I need to return to them, to Reiji, Natsuki, Ranmaru and Camus?
Standing in the middle of the flower meadows that Natsuki had first introduced to him and Reiji more than four months ago, Ai noticed that here, it was not winter, but spring instead. Lavenders, blue forget-me-not flowers, yellow daffodils and white dandelions were in full bloom amidst countless other kinds of flowers, granting this place that would have been lifeless otherwise vivid colours and light, just like a warm melody filling a hollow room. Taking a few steps forward, Ai had yet to fathom the situation in hand, but his mind told him that this was not an ordinary or insignificant dream. That depending on his definition of the term "dream", this may not even be classified as a dream in the first place.
As confused as he was, however, Ai wandered in the meadows that were illumined by the warm sunshine that allowed the clear azure sky to glow, hoping to find the answers that he needed so that he could go back to his four dearest people who were undoubtedly waiting for him back in reality, whom he was already worrying by being trapped in this ephemeral place. Just as he reached a particular tree that was surrounded by blue, purple and white forget-me-not flowers, he found himself facing the back of a familiar figure. Letting out a quiet gasp, he was about to speak when a voice stopped him.
"This is not a dream. This is a place where the connection of our minds meet, the connection that had been represented by the blue lines that had streaked your body throughout your journey back to my uncle's laboratory, a place that is incredibly special to you and that I was able to see through your memories and emotions."
His voice gentle but even, the person turned around, revealing a physical appearance that almost completely mirrored Ai's, with a few differences such as his teal hair being let entirely loose and his eyes being more cheerful and brighter. However, as much as his eyes had a more-blithe appearance in general, they now held a sorrowful expression as their owner let out a soft exhale before speaking again.
"I'm Aine. Kisaragi Aine, whom my uncle had connected to you in the hopes of waking up. And while you were trying to wake me up from the worst mistake that I ever made... I saw and felt how much sadness, pain, guilt and anguish I caused to everyone. To you, to Hakase, to Kei, to Hibiki, to the people you love and care about..."
Aine's lips twisted into a painful smile as his lips trembled, his eyes lowered in guilt.
"Especially Reiji..." his voice wavered a little, "my best friend... who even fell into depression because he blamed himself for what I did to myself... when that... that was all me. And yet... I was given another choice to make after the choice that had nearly ruined him. Either answer would have caused everyone pain, but only one was right... and this time, I chose it."
He raised his head and looked directly into Ai's eyes.
"And I chose this... for you." His voice was quiet but resolute. "You... and Reiji... and Natsuki, Ranmaru and Camus. And right as we speak... that decision... is already turning into reality, even as painful as it is for everyone involved. And for that... Ai... I am so sorry."
"In the end, with a smile... I hope I don't cry
So I absolutely won't forget today
"I will live on... within you...""
- "Winter Blossom", by Ai Mikaze (Shouta Aoi)