"Excuse me, ladies and Gentlemen listen up. I need your attention for a few moments before you leave. I have an announcement to make" Mrs. Robert's stern voice cuts through the students' chatter. She waits patiently until the last whispered voices die down before continuing.
"Since today is Friday and Thanksgiving break starts Monday I'll make you a deal. You guys will have plenty of time to get your assignments done and turned in. Especially those of you who choose what work you turn in. This is your one free pass. Also, next week's journal topic will focus on what you're thankful for. Each day, you'll write at least one to two sentences on different topics that make you grateful. I would like you to include ways that showing thanks can affect your ability to help the community. Your entries are due Sunday night, no later than 11:59 p.m. I will not accept them one minute late. I don't think this is too much to ask for. Now, thank you for your patience. Have a safe and fun holiday. Class dismissed." She finishes her speech by handing us each a flyer for the local food drive nearby.
"Use your time wisely over break," she hollers through the noise of people rushing around. Sounds of chairs scraping the ground, papers rustling, and laughter add to the chaos. I'm in no rush. It's not like I'm going home for the holidays or even have anyone to spend it with.
Sitting back in my chair, I watch the other students goofing off. They're giggling and carrying on while gathering their belongings. Once the last few students trickle out, it's silent. The once loud and crowded room is now quiet and vacant. Random flyers for the food pantry littering the desks and floors are the only signs of life left. I doubt anyone bothered to read them. Let alone care what it said. Before leaving, I decide to do a good deed. Bending down, I gather the loose papers from the floor. Stacking them up, I place them neatly on the teacher's desk before returning to mine. The flyer clutched in my fist.
What am I thankful for? Hmmm, that's a tough one. Especially considering everything that's happened since I came here. I continue racking my brain for suggestions while gathering my books and shoving them into my bag. I should leave before Mrs. Robertson comes and questions why I'm still here. Hayden was right. I'm pathetic. I laugh to myself, glancing around the deserted classroom one last time. All the students had been so eager to leave, almost causing a stampede to get away and begin their break. Then there's me.
The fall air is getting cooler. You can sense winter growing closer. It's a lot chillier today than before. I have to pull my white knitted cap down over my ears as I walk out of the building into the courtyard.
It's been almost a week since Sky left and I miss her like crazy. Despite spending most of her nights at Hope's, she still came home every night. Whether to change her clothes, grab new ones, shower, or catch up with me, I still saw her. We had talked every day, but not now. This time is different. I haven't seen her since that night. Yeah, she's texted me here and there. But not about anything important. It's mainly been random texts, like if she left her red dress behind and a few other small things. I wish I could talk to her, to pour my heart out. I need someone to listen to me. This depression is consuming me and I don't know what to do.
My stomach lets out a loud growl overshadowing the pity party I'd been having for myself. I haven't had an appetite lately. Nothing sounds good or I'm too depressed to leave my room and get something. Another grumble escapes. I guess my stomach isn't giving up this time. Anything is better than going to an empty dorm room with only myself to keep me company. I pull the large fluffy sweater tighter around me, walking toward the nearby shops. The harsh, chilly wind howls around me, whipping across my face. The only thing I can do to help is bury my face in the front of my shirt. It eases the discomfort a little while I continue making my way forward. No wonder no one is out. They're smarter than me, glancing around at the almost empty roads. Normally, people are everywhere. Not today.
It's weird but despite the cold temperature and my longing depression, I enjoy this time alone. I love taking in the raw beauty of nature and the freshness in the air. I could stand here for hours, inhaling the fresh air, and enjoying the magnificent views. My life is on hold. I can take the time to think about the things I've been avoiding. The harsh reality of how badly I screwed up and how hard it is to be alone. Or I can daydream, pushing all negative thoughts aside. I can let my imagination wander, thinking of ice cream cakes and red roses with a hint of baby breath peeking out. I can use this time for anything I want, even pretending to be someone else, if I want to. Sometimes I wish I could get away for a little while. And I don't mean back to my mom's or anywhere familiar. That would stress me out more than I already am. The thought of being back home makes my anxiety shoot through the roof. I need to find a secret spot. Somewhere I've never been, perhaps a deserted island.
The cold nearly froze my hands and face before entering the small coffee shop. I'm hit with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee beans wafting through the air. It smells delicious. The shop is pretty empty today, allowing me to choose a small table in the rear, seating myself. My heart aches looking around. I hadn't thought it would be so hard to come back here. Sky and I were here a couple of weeks ago. We were on a mission that day to try all the flavor cookies they offer, and several new drinks. Who knew a little shop like this had so many different varieties of cookies? We sat here all day, taking turns dipping them into fresh coffees and hot chocolates. I was so stuffed that I barely got to my dorm before passing out.
Even though I've been here before, its appearance is still beautiful. The walls are a creamy caramel, which pairs perfectly with the hardwood floors. Small portraits of random coffee-themed items hang nearby. And cute little sayings appear scattered across the walls. Handmade, cute black cast-iron frames adorn each picture. Their tables are arranged higher than average. Giant, cozy red plastic bucket seats accompany each table. They even have several bookshelves full from bottom to top which line the far back walls. A whole separate area is designed for reading. I love it. The oddly shaped, oversized green sofas fill the middle of this section. Only one girl is taking advantage of it. She's sprawled out on one of the sofas deep into whatever book she's reading.
"A double shot of black expresso to go please" his voice instantly pains me. Without even looking up, I know who placed that order. When I finally muster up the courage to peek at him, I'm devastated, he isn't even looking at me. Instead, his back is toward me. He aimlessly skims through pamphlets sprawled across the glass countertop. His body shifts to the side. Now I'm able to see his face. I watch him reading each booklet, his eyes scanning the pages. A stabbing pain pierces my heart the moment I realize he's staring at the girl behind the counter. She's returning his gaze. The knife twists watching her twirl a strand of long golden locks, eyeing him up and down.
Despite this situation, she is extremely, attractive. Her blonde wavy hair falls loosely around her face, the rest tied into a messy bun sitting atop her head. She's slim, with a rather slender face. Her features are perfectly symmetrical. My eyes quickly dart away. It's too painful to watch him flirting with someone else. Who knows, maybe he doesn't know I'm sitting over here. Or perhaps he does and doesn't care. The urge is too strong. I have to look. The exact moment I choose to look at him, he tosses the booklets down and swivels to face me. His eyes lock onto mine. I can't look away despite how badly I want to. I want to get up and run away.
"Excuse me, sir, your orders ready," a petite little redheaded girl pipes up getting his attention. His eyes continue staring into mine a few seconds longer, before shifting his gaze to her.
I'm frozen in time, watching him retrieve his drink with one hand. The other digs into his jeans pocket, pulling out a small wad of cash. He skims through the bills, handing several to the redhead. Before putting his money up, he drops a few bills into the almost full tip jar on the counter, nodding at the blonde. She's still eyeing him hungrily. He gives her one last smile before turning away.
"Hey wait up a second" the blonde shouts, running out from behind the counter. He stops, allowing her to catch up. She giggles while handing him a folded-up piece of paper. Without opening it, he shoves it into his pocket and smiles at her, watching her run back to her position. He doesn't glance back at me before turning and exiting the shop. I can't believe he's leaving without even acknowledging me. Even if he had screamed, or cursed me out, it would have been better than this. His acting like I'm invisible is bullshit. Fuck him, he's a dick.
Hoping he's gone, I pay my tab before leaving soon after. I notice his car is parked in the empty parking lot immediately. My body automatically walks in that direction before I have time to realize what I'm doing. Jumping in front of him, I block him from entering his car.
"What the fuck is your problem? Sky was right about you. You fucked me and made me fall for you. I was stupid thinking that you cared. How dumb can I be? Your true colors came out that night in my dorm room, huh? And now you have the nerve to act like you don't see me while flirting with some bitch! Do you think I'm fucking stupid?" I scream at him, my emotions releasing. I don't care if I look like a crazy person.
"Are you serious right now? Your fucking Physcho! You know that, right? Don't forget you made your decision. Now move out of my way," he screams back, attempting to move me. People are staring at us. The blonde appears interested, glued to the glass, watching.
"No, don't fucking touch me! I lost my best friend because of you. You saw me sitting there in pain, and you didn't even bother to check on me. You didn't say two words. You just walked out. I hate you!" I whimper, my voice breaking. My anger subsides, instead turning back to pain and embarrassment. Everything is becoming blurry from the tears building in my eyes.
"I hate you so much!" I whisper, my fist slamming against his chest over and over. The moment he grabs hold of me, I collapse into his arms.
I can only imagine how I must look right now. No wonder he called me crazy. I chased him out of a coffee shop for not talking to me. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't want to talk to me, either. I mean, I single-handedly ruined his already rocky relationship with his sister. Then, when he needed me to have his back, I shut him down, kicking him out of my room. Plus, I doubt Ms. Blondey will want much to do with him after the show I put on.
"I'm sorry. So, sorry," I choke, struggling to get the words out. I attempt to move away, but my legs feel like jello. I can't bring myself to look at him. The car's cold metal meets my outstretched hands. My head is spinning. Every second I stay, it's getting harder to hide my tears.
My legs inevitably give out. Thankfully, the side of his car assists me in sliding to the pavement below. The icy wind is harsh against my wet eyes, causing them to sting. I can't let him see my face. He can't know I've broken more since he saw me last. I'm such a loser. Why does every decision I make constantly make things worse? When am I going to learn to leave things alone? I should have stayed in the coffee shop instead of acting like a maniac. And for what? I chased him outside and caused a huge scene, embarrassing myself more than ever. What is wrong with me?
"Look, do you need a ride somewhere or something? It's freezing out here and you're blocking my door. Not trying to be a dick or anything, but I'm a little cold. Besides, you don't need to be walking, especially in this condition," he offers, ignoring my apology.
Even after this big mess I made, he's still offering to help me. Or maybe he feels sorry for the little pathetic girl crying after him. Each time the wind whips across my damp cheek, it burns, like someone has slapped me. I guess, it doesn't matter his reasoning, anything would be better than walking in this weather. It would be pure torture for my already red and flushed face.
"I guess, but are you sure? I don't want to be a burden. Especially since I don't know where I'm going," I tell him, looking down at the ground. I'm more ashamed than I was seconds ago. Great, now I'm a charity case. All the stress from this past week comes hurling at me full force. It's too much. I can't do this anymore. I'm alone now more than ever. Even with Hayden sitting right here, I'm still alone. The realization sinks in as I think about going to my empty dorm room. The drama with us is enough, but I also have those journal entries weighing in the back of my mind.
How can I be thankful for anything when my life is in shambles? Not to mention it's the holidays. They were my father's favorite time of the year. Every Thanksgiving, he would cook these huge elaborate meals. He and my mom would dance in the kitchen, drinking wine and laughing. Jason and I would sneak and taste-test everything when no one was looking. April always ran around in her walker, knocking things over. We would laugh watching my parents chasing after her. Back then, it was so magical and life was so simple. A flurry of giant tear drops covers the pavement, flowing freely from my eyes. I can't hold it in anymore. There's no stopping them.
"Bex, stop crying, please. I hate seeing you hurt like this. Come here" he bends down, wrapping his powerful arms around me. The familiarity of his scent is oddly calming. I can't help but feel secure in his arms.
"I've missed this so much. I've missed you, Hayden," I whisper between sobs. The words sound foreign, especially out loud. But it's true. I've been so miserable without him.
"Hey, I've missed you too, but can we get in the car? It's cold," he asks. His breath is exhaled as gigantic clouds of smoke. I don't resist him assisting me into a standing position. Or let go of him as he blindly leads me backward to the passenger side. After a few more minutes, I finally released him, sliding into the seat, and allowing him to close the door. I smile a little, watching him rush to jog around the front of the car before jumping into the driver's seat. After starting the car, he reaches down, cranking the heat, and positioning his hands over the vent. The warmth blows across my face, drying the remaining wetness from my tears.
"Don't think I'm trying anything, but with Sky gone, I know you're probably lonely. And if you don't want to go to your dorm we can head to mine. But only if you want to," he offers nervously, rubbing his hands together, still trying to warm up.
"What about your roommate? Don't you think he'll care?" I question, recalling his excuses for staying with me all those nights.
"He won't mind. Besides, he's done left for the Holidays. The decision is yours. I can take you home or you can come with me." his fingers swirl the radio knobs, adjusting the station.
This simple basic question is an example of how one choice can change the directory of your life. I can go home and sit alone, crying into my pillow. The world passes by while I smother in my self-loathing. Or I can go with him and see what happens. We'll either end up hating and hurting each other more or it could be what I need. The one thing that can make me happy. The real question here isn't what I want to do. Instead, do I have the guts to do it or not? I'm not even sure if in the long run, it's the right choice to make. But at this exact moment, it's what I feel like I have to do.
"We can go to yours. I don't feel like being alone right now" I exhale, sinking into his seat, closing my eyes. I have paused my life, stuck in one place for too long. It's time for this next chapter to begin and I'm prepared for whatever comes my way. Bring it on.