[曦澄 | XiCheng]: The Fear Of Falling In Love [~PART 1~]

NOTE:

Trigger Warning

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Lan Xichen grabbed him sharply in his arms and shook him   -  Jiang Cheng just let himself be handled, he had no energy to resist.

- I forbid you to speak like this! Do you hear me! I love you so much!  –  he cried in despair.

Jiang Wanyin tried hard to focus his eyes on his husband's face. His lips were parted and he was breathing heavily.

- I cannot live without you, Huan... I can't. Why are you pushing me away? Why are you killing me, my love?  –  he murmured gently.

- No.. No... Darling, don't say such things... Please, Wanyin!  –  he whimpered, still holding him very tight, feeling how thin he was, still  –  how warm and soft.

- Last night... Last night, Zewu-Jun... I died last night... When you pushed me away... This is just a shell now... An empty shell.

- Sweetheart, no. I love you! I never stopped, Wanyin!  –  he begged, crying too hard to even see his beloved's face.

- Then make love to me. Love me, Zewu-Jun. Show me. Here. Now.  -  Sandu Shengshou whispered.

Jiang Wanyin's hands caressed his hair, and slid down to caress his back, making him shiver. Zewu-Jun closed his eyes  –  the touch was electrifying, just like always. But then the two warm palms moved to undo and take off his shirt and he gasped, jumping back, and closing his clothes hurriedly.

Jiang Cheng was watching him with huge glistening eyes, and now started laughing bitterly.

- Yes.  –  he said sadly.  –  Please, get out of my room, Zewu-Jun. Please.

He lied back down slowly, closing his eyes again. He looked as if he was just waiting peacefully. Waiting for death.

Lan Xichen collapsed to his knees next to the bed, shaking.

- Forgive me... Please, forgive me, Wanyin... I can't... I can't... I don't deserve such beautiful love as yours, husband... -  he was chanting, burying his face in the sheets.  –  I failed to protect you... I almost lost you, Wanyin... I am the one who's useless...  -  he whimpered.

Jiang Cheng was lying so perfectly still that Lan Xichen feared that he might not be breathing. He shivered, it was too much. He was drowning in so much sorrow that he just could not stop crying.

- How can you say I'm beautiful... How can you say you love me... How could you possibly want me... I look in the mirror and I see someone who doesn't deserve you, Sandu Shengshou. Someone who is, indeed, ugly and useless.

He buried his face in his hands and wept. There was no movement from the bed at all, but Jiang Cheng heard all his words. He wished he could stop the leaking from his eyes  –  he had cried so much that he felt even dizzier because of the sheer dehydration. 

His brain was trying to process Zewu-Jun's words. Why would someone so brave and beautiful call himself "ugly and useless"?  He could not understand.

Then he remembered; Lan Huan had cringed away from him when he tried to touch his chest. 

He bit his lip. The scars.

- Huan...  -  he turned his head and murmured faintly.  –  Have you ever seen Hanguang-Jun's back?

Zewu-Jun shuddered, but fell silent, listening carefully, hopeful.

- I have.  -  Jiang Cheng continued.  –  A true work of art, courtesy of the Gusu Lan Clan. -  he mocked.  –  I have had the chance to watch them... my brother and Hanguang-Jun... together. Going for a swim, or soaking themselves shamelessly in the bath all day long. I will never know what Wei Wuxian sees in him, but I can tell you one thing with certainty. My brother adores him. He doesn't see his pretty face. And he doesn't see his mangled back. I am sure of it.

Jiang Wanyin sighed deeply, too exhausted to go on. There was profound silence in the room for what seemed the longest time. 

Finally, Jiang Cheng whispered:

- I miss you so much... I love you so much...

Lan Xichen shuddered again and stood up. Sandu Shengshou turned his head and looked up lovingly. When Zewu-Jun climbed in the bed and got on top of him, he wrapped his arms around him and stared in his sad eyes. 

He repeated quietly:

- I miss you. I love you.

- You deserve more, Sandu Shengshou... You deserve better.  -  Zewu-Jun murmured sadly.

- Perhaps. But I want you.  –  he said slowly.

Lan Huan leaned in, and, pressing his body to his husband's yet once again, he merged their lips in a slow and deep kiss once again. Jiang Wanyin opened up with a deep sigh of contentment. This touch, these kisses  –  they gave him strength, they gave him life. He dared not start undressing Lan Huan, although he wanted him desperately, and he knew that Zewu-Jun was afraid not to hurt him, but his own desire was more than obvious.

- Huan... My love... I missed this... I missed us... Please never leave me... Huan... I can't breathe without you, love... -  he was whimpering, lost in the magical kisses, the soft lips, Zewu-Jun's intoxicating smell.

- Kitten... Oh, my sweetest one.  –  Lan Xichen was chanting lovingly.  –  My prettiest one... the loveliest, the softest...

Jiang Cheng smiled faintly. His Lan Huan was coming back, slowly but surely. 

He grabbed his face with his two palms, mumbling, making sure he was focused and listening:

- Huan, I love you. All of you. Absolutely every part. Up to the stupid Gusu headband.

Lan Xichen laughed lightly. It was so so good to hear his laughter again... Jiang Wanyin's eyes glazed, he sank into the mist of their shared body heat, their warm love, the pent-up desire. 

He lisped:

- I will always want you naked in my bed... I will forever desire your warm hands on my skin.... Mmmm... Caressing me... Stroking me... Pushing into me... Huan... How I miss your heat inside me... How I crave for all the pain you give me... How I love it when you lick and bite, and torture me with slow kisses... Uhhh..... Husband... No one will ever compare to you... In my eyes, in my heart  –  you will forever be perfect, Zewu-Jun... Zewu-Jun... Have mercy and fuck me... Don't ignore me, my love...I have been craving for your flesh inside mine for too long... For so long, my love... My only love... my heart... my life... My only one... Beloved... Have mercy on someone who loves you too much...

Lan Huan was breathless, but bent down and bit into his neck hard and deep. Jiang Cheng's body arched and he moaned with the incredible pleasure the pain brought.

- My amazing husband... My perfect love... My small soft kitten... I love you more than you can imagine, Wanyin... You are the meaning of my life... I was ready for my life to be over when I thought I had lost you last night... But you found your way back to me when I was so broken, so drowning. How amazing are you, husband? This soft milk-white skin... The wonderful, delicious lips... The hard nipples that fill up my mouth now... Uhhh, Wanyin!!! This body that satisfies me better than anyone else ever will! Your taste...your scent... I am drunk on you, my beloved... I love you so much that it feels I have lost my mind sometimes... Please, live for me, live for our son... Please, live for our love...

Lan Xichen felt too light-headed when Jiang Wanyin purred in his ear:

- I swear it. 

They kissed more and hugged some more, until Jiang Cheng murmured quietly, shyly:

- Breakfast, please, Zewu-Jun. I'm hungry.

Lan Xichen stared at his blushing face, too amazed and happy to hear this last sentence.

It meant the world.