A Heart In The Shadows

Lan Zhan

Its the first day of snow and my heart feels heavy again, I was on my way to see mother in Jingshi but I couldn't stop myself from fidgeting. My brother gave me a small smile and he stood to straighten my robe, and he kissed my forehead gently. "Are you excited to see mother again?" his warm caramel voice filled my ears and I nodded my head enthusiastically and he chuckled softly.

As usual mother was waiting for us outside. "Wangji you're finally here!" she kissed my cheeks lovingly and then she hugged my brother tightly, she pulled us inside Jingshi and she had prepare a whole feast for us. "Baby have you been learning diligently?" she asked softly and my brother gave me a wide smile. "He is the best mother! He even surpasses Uncle." he exclaimed and I felt a blush creeping on my face. "That's right both my son's are very intelligent." she complemented, she fed me some delicious sweets while she brushed my hair.

The best moments with my mother were when I could cuddle into her arms and listen to the rhythm of her heart and she would hum a sweet lullaby that would take me to the safest parts of my dreams, but when she died she took away everything and left in the cold.

How ironic could this day be, it was the first day of snow and they were students coming to study here in Cloud Recess for the winter season, my brother was out there preparing for the students. I offered my help but he refused, he said that the only thing he wants from me is to at least make friends. I don't think that brother has noticed that nobody wants to be my friend, and I blend well on my own.

I was standing outside feeling the snow as it touch my skin, oddly this gave me some comfort it was almost as if I could rest all my senses and emotions on it, releasing everything that I feel and not hold back anything but apart of me is always reluctant to give myself away.

There was beauty in the snow but it also brought some kind of pain with it, I closed my eyes just for a little while just to enjoy the feeling of the cold flakes touching my warm flesh and it turning into water as if I was the sun that had melted it. When I opened my eyes my brother was standing next to me, staring at me in wonder. "Sometimes I wonder what goes on in your mind." he suspired. "The students will be here soon, maybe you should change your clothes because they will be wet soon." he said softly. "I like the wetness." I replied.

He shook his head in disbelief and we went to the gate to welcome the students, the student from Yunmeng were the first to arrive. My brother smiled at them warmly. "You are here early, sorry for keeping you waiting." he said politely, the boy who was wearing a bright purple robe blushed and his cheeks turned rosy so did the girl's. "First Master Lan it's alright, we're just glad we made it early, my name is Jiang Wayin but you can call me Jiang Cheng, that is my sister Jiang Yanli and that is my brother Wei Wuxian." he pointed to the boy who was wearing all black and a beautiful red ribbon, he waved and he smiled at me. "It is nice to meet you, my name is Lan Huan but you can call me Lan XiChen and this is my little brother Hanguang-Jun." they bowed and I bowed back. "What is his courtesy name?" the boy with the red ribbon asked softly, my brother looked at me to study my face. "Maybe he will tell you when he is ready, shall we?" he asked and we went up to Cloud Recess.

The boy with the red ribbon kept staring at me every now and then, there was a soft gentle smile on his face but I couldn't understand what it meant. "Aye please tell me your courtesy name! I will tell you mine also!" his voice was gentle and sweet, I could feel the happiness coming out from him. "Wei Ying stop bothering him!" the boy in the purple robe glared at him. "You made a promise to father that you wouldn't cause any trouble." he was still glaring at the boy with the red ribbon. "See you already know my name, tell me yours!" he whined and then he sighed. "Fine I'll leave you alone." for some reason he sounded sad and without thinking I blurted out my courtesy name. "Lan Zhan." his eyes widened. "What?" he said in disbelief. "He said Lan Zhan you idiot." the boy with the purple robe repeated while the girl giggled softly.