THE SAME

I never thought I'd say this but... Mrs Kim and I had a good kiki in the bathroom.

She is terrible but... she's exciting. Maybe we started off wrong but Mrs Kim... she is one of the girls.

"Do not let anyone think they have one up on you, ever Nayla. As much as I hate it, my son is going to make you a Kim and a weak Kim is unthinkable."

"Okay Mrs Kim... does this mean... I can call you sometimes if I need advice?"

"Absolutely not, maybe in a few years. Do not call me from Sommie's either. I will find you when we need to or let Sommie know."

Yeah... still a bitch.

"Okay Mrs Kim, I'm going to find Chai now," I said through a forced smile walking away before she could respond. It's not like she hurt my feelings but I can only take her in small doses so it is for the best that we don't have each others number.

But tell me why when I spotted Chai he was chatting to that Haerin girl... oh it's a problem.

"Hey guys, what are we talking about?"

"Hey baby, I've been looking for you, this is Harin Park."

"Hey," I greeted, "we've met but... I was looking for you too."

And I made that face. The face that shows him what time it is. The slightly puckered up lips as I stare into his eyes and he wraps an arm around my waist before giving me a soft kiss.

"Harin nice to meet you but, I think Nayla and I will be going home."

"Do you think... we can meet again? In a more intimate setting? I have some business ideas I'd like to run with you?"

Why she touching her hair and looking at my man? And intimate? For what?

"Just give me a call and we can set something up."

...
"Nayla, why are you giving me the silent treatment?"

I have got the biggest attitude right now because Chai just gave a brave bitch the green light to see him in a private, intimate setting.

I do want to cuddle but I will not speak to him.

"Is this about Harin? I know it's not."

Yes, yes it is. Like why did he have to smile while talking to her. Showing teeth and gums and everything you know.

You took your socks off? I haven't ever seen you with your socks off.

"Nayla this is childish-"

"Oh but Harin is mature right? That's why I'm childish now?"

Dammit!

"Nayla stop. You're being silly with this."

And him dismissing me like that just made the ugliest part of me come out... the part that is insecure.

The part that thinks other people think we shouldn't be together.

The part that thinks a girl like Harin is way prettier than me...

I hate that I think they'd look perfect together. She is a Korean, gorgeous woman and he is a Korean-Thai man who is any girls dream... both of good families with money... nothing like my black Cape Verdean family who lived day by day growing up.

I don't feel good enough right now.

"Nayla open the door!"

I had to run to the bathroom. I don't want to cry in front of Chai.

"I-... I just need a second," I yelled back trying to keep my voice steady as I turned on the tap to drown out the crying.

Looking at the mirror, I just couldn't see what he loves about me. I am Cabo verdean but my skin isn't light... I am brown skinned with almond eyes and my nose isn't slender... I have full lips and round cheeks. Nothing modelesque about my features...

"Let me see your face," Somchai asked immediately after I got out of the bathroom, gently gripping my chin towards him, "were you crying?"

"Leave it Somchai, I want to go to bed."

I wanted to just get into bed and under the covers but Somchai cuddled me from behind. I just can't help but feel vulnerable... when he holds me like that, i feel so safe and protected.

"You're shutting down again."

"Okay," I responded closing my eyes tightly after a shaky breath.

"Baby," Chai murmured softly kissing the back of my neck, "talk to me. What's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"But you were crying and now you're shutting down... there is something."

"It's stupid."

"Is it because I said you were being silly? I'm sorr-"

"It's not that..."

"Then..."

I can feel the waterworks again...

I'm an emotional gangster you know, I cry once a month and whatnot...

"I-it's just that you and Harin looked so good," I admitted sniffling already, "I don't feel good enough. I don't feel pretty at all. Like she's slim and she-"

"She what," he asked softly turning me towards him as he rubbed my back.

"She looks like the girl you would marry," I responded in tears.

Chai didn't answer for a minute or two as he hugged me tighter so I was sobbing into his chest. I feel so pathetic... and even more insecure.

"I wish you could see what I see," he started softly. "I wish you could see how beautiful you are when you pout and your cheeks fill out slightly. I wish you could see those beautiful eyes and the way they light up when I get you a figurine from your favourite anime. And how beautiful that nose is. I love how your lips feel when you give me that good morning kiss for good luck when you think I'm still half asleep but... I've been awake every morning waiting for it. Because every morning when the sun rises, I get mesmerised by how the first rays just bounce off your skin so perfectly."

"I-"

"And even if people try to tell me otherwise, I am confident when I say you are the prettiest person in my world. I can't believe I get to wake up to you every day... I feel like... I'm dreaming."

"Chai... I don't know what to say," I whispered holding on to his shirt with wide eyes.

"Say that I made you feel pretty and secure," he pleaded, giving me a kiss, "I feel like I'm not worthy of being your fiancé if you feel like a girl like Harin Park is competition. That's definitely me not doing my job-"

"Why would you say that? Harin Kim is gorgeous-"

"Baby," he cut me off with a gentle smile, "she wears off the rack designer... you didn't see the tag on the skirt?"