Trying to live

Summer before junior year

Dear Diary,

Mrs. Denver said someone called for me. Again. I hope it's Henry. He never calls.

I hate that. He's my boyfriend—he says he loves me. So why doesn't he call?

I'm always waiting.

Maya says he doesn't call because he doesn't love me anymore. Can you believe that?

It's my fault for telling her I had a boyfriend, but when she talks about the guy she has a crush on, her dreamy eyes remind me of Henry.

Anyway, let's see who it is.

I'm so excited.

Bye.

*

Beginning of junior year

Dear Diary,

I can't believe I was so naive. So stupid. Hopefully, it's Henry.

It never was.

The only one who called was Cam. Henry's cousin. Every time Mrs. Denver said someone called, I was expecting Henry—but it was always Cam. I was disappointed, but he always managed to cheer me up.

Maya was right. Henry doesn't love me anymore.

I see it in the way he hangs out with Juliette, the way he looks at her when they're together. They're a couple. Whether he admits it or not.

We broke up. And he thinks I slept with Wyatt. I didn't even defend myself when he accused me. What was the point?

I was drunk that night. I still feel drunk, lost in a haze of emotions I can't sort out.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

*

Today was finally the day, I would pick up my car from the mechanic. It took longer than two weeks to be repaired and since thenI snugged rides with Mrs. Avilla or Scott. Ocassionally, Priya would offer me rides to work or back home since we're kind of friends.

I remembered what she said to me yesterday about just giving in and go for being Cam's girlfriend. She didn't know I meant him but I felt like she meant it. 

I walked the stairs down, headed towards the kitchen to grab a granola bar or anything quick to eat. I knew for a fact that Ludovica wasn't here and I was glad. She didn't like me. I was totally sure of it because I was living here almost a month now. 

I hadn't eaten much all day, too caught up in the tangled mess of thoughts swimming in my head.

I pushed the door open and froze.

Henry was already there.

His back was turned to me, the dark strands of his black hair curling slightly at the nape of his neck. He was rummaging through the cabinets, completely unaware of my presence, and for a second, I thought about backing out before he noticed me. 

I couldn't deal with this right now. I mean, on one side I was happy to be alone with him, but on the other side I felt how cold it was between us. 

It was like Henry send a message to me. A clear and loud one - he was ignoring me on purpose, being the cold boy again. 

But the door clicked shut behind me, and Henry glanced over his shoulder, his green eyes locking onto mine. His expression hardened the moment he realized it was me. Of course, it did. That was how things were between us now—cold, distant, pretending like we didn't share years of history. Pretending like nothing's changed.