Trying to live

Being with Cam wasn't so bad.

He was sweet and kind. He genuinely cared and never pushed. Despite the newness, I felt as if we'd been together for more than just a few weeks. Being with him felt so easy. It reminded me of how Henry and I used to be.

We could talk about serious things, like our families and our parents' divorces, but then joke around just like Henry and I had. Cam and I went on dates, shared laughs, built memories. It felt... familiar. There was no difference, really. I was happy. I was sure of that.

I had loved Henry. I'd been completely, helplessly in love with him. Now, I was in... I was in a relationship that gave me comfort, attention, a sense of safety. I liked Cam, I reminded myself repeatedly. I knew that.

But I couldn't ignore the sadness lurking beneath my assurances. When I'd told Cam I'd be his girlfriend, I hadn't felt the same euphoria he did. I remembered the tear that escaped while he hugged me, his arms warm and welcoming as I stood there, motionless. When he tried to pull back, I'd clung to him just to wipe my tears away.

And when Cam cupped my face and kissed me, all I could think about was another boy and another kiss in the exact same spot.

It was weeks into October now, and I was determined to push those lingering doubts aside. Cam made me happy, and he liked me. His smile reminded me he was a good guy, someone who truly cared about me. No one else knew we were together, but that didn't bother me. In fact, I was almost relieved to keep this new relationship quiet. Secretive. It made everything feel safer, simpler.

But then Dean asked me about it out of nowhere. "Your new boyfriend?" he asked, nodding toward Cam, who was sitting nearby, smiling as he waited for me. Since we'd started dating, Cam was almost always there—reading in a corner, doing his homework, waiting while I closed up at Royals before driving us both home.

I liked having someone there, someone waiting for me. It made me feel special again.

"Oh, now you're talking to me?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. Dean had been ignoring me ever since he thought I'd told Rose about the Pit. I missed him, missed our bickering and banter, because  he was there when I felt low and he made me forget about New Haven. Even if it was for a little while. Now, he stayed distant.

Dean didn't answer my question. Instead, he said, "Caesar and I thought you'd end up with the other guy."

"What other guy?" I asked, confused.

efore he could respond, his phone rang. His expression darkened, and he glanced at me. "Sorry, I have to take this."

"But—"

He walked away, leaving the question dangling. Caesar had hinted once that I'd recognize love by the way "one guy" looked at me, the guy whose shirt was always unbuttoned -  a mysterious hint that made no sense. But there were so many classmates who came into Royals, staying for hours... How was I supposed to know who Caesar was talking about?

But I reminded myself—I had a boyfriend now. I should be thinking about Cam, not chasing these old ghosts. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and turned away, only to catch a glimmer. I looked again, my gaze falling on the small necklace tucked under my collar—a crystal surrounded by a golden heart. The necklace Henry had given me. My once-upon-a-time lucky charm.

Slowly, I wrapped my fingers around it. I'd told myself I was over him, yet every time I tried to think about other things, something always brought me back to him. I had lied—to him, to myself. The kiss between us had meant so much more than I'd ever admitted. I couldn't figure out why, but it hurt. It hurt so deeply because I didn't want it to be a mistake. And I didn't want to face the fact that I'd gone to Cam because Henry had rejected me.