[ p o e t r y 2]

One of the biggest doubts
That plagues my heart
Is, "what if it's not the person?
Or the timing?
What if it's simply me?"

I ignore the doubt,
And press on.
The little part of me
That shudders
That maybe this is all,
And questions
"Maybe I'm bad."

But sometimes
When I'm driving home from work
A bit weary
And the music is quiet
And the highway is loud
The voice speaks
Over the static,
"What if you don't love him?"
Or worse,
"What if this is all you can ever
Feel of love again?"
It whispers,
"You broke yourself.
When your heart broke
It broke your hope.
And you'll never
Be able to love
Like you loved,
Again."

But then the little logical voice
In my head fights back.
She says,
"I do love him.
He's good to me.
He's godly and kingdom-minded.
He has what I want.
He is what I want.
It's supposed to be hard.
It's supposed to be work.
He makes me better
I've grown so much.
We're just not children anymore.
I don't remember
My first feelings of love accurately.
And this is a different person.
Love feels different,
That's okay."

I want to believe that.
I think I do,
But the nagging voice
Makes me so weary.
She keeps saying,
"You're broken. You're broken.
You're lying to him.
You're lying to yourself.
It's not supposed to feel hard.
It's not supposed to feel like this.
It feels like this
Because you're broken.
You'll never love again.
And if you try to love him
You'll hurt him
And you'll be a liar.
You're a liar.
You're a liar.
You're a liar."

... but how do I know?
How do I know which voice is true?
They're both mine.
And I'm so tried
Of being afraid.

Is this love?
If it doesn't feel like it did
When I was young, naive,
And so willing and excited to
Fall head over heels?
Am I broken?
Is it even possible to feel that way anymore?
And if I don't,
Does that mean this is wrong?

I'm so tired.
I'm so afraid.
I want to love,
And be loved,
But I'm so afraid to be wrong,
Hurtful,
Or a liar.

10/29/24