Not a Bad Thing

['TIL IT STILL]

Zoelle's

Buhay na buhay ngayong ang living area nila Devin dahil sa tawanan, at tunog ng musika na nangagaling sa TV nila dahil sa Just Dance routine. Devin and Divine moved in sync, at tanging tawanan lang nila ang maririnig sa buong paligid na parang ito lang ang mundo nila sa mga oras na ito.

Naka-upo lang ako sa couch nila habang pinapanood silang magkapatid. Alam ko na namiss ni Divine 'tong ganitong bonding nilang dalawa. At kahit na hindi naalala ni Devin, it seems like he's enjoying this. Seeing him like this, happy and carefree, made my heart feel lighter. 

Bumuga ako ng hangin at niyakap ang unan na nakapatong sa lap ko.

"It feels good, doesn't it?"

Lumingon ako sa nagsalita at nakita si Tito Kevin. Nakasuot ito ng puting polo at mukhang kagagaling lang sa trabaho. Hindi ko na namalayan ang pagdating niya dahil kanina pa nakatuon ang atensyon ko sa magkapatid.

"Hello po, tito," bati ko sa kanya.

Umupo siya sa armrest ng couch. "Akala ko hindi ko na siya makikitang ganito." Tumingin siya kay Devin at tipid na ngumiti. "May mga pagkakataon na akala namin, tuluyan na namin siyang nawala at hindi na namin siya makikitang ganito kasaya."

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa sahig at hinigpitan ang hawak sa unan na hawak ko.

"But seeing him now," he continued, "it's clear that he still the same. And I know a big part of that is because of you."

Tumikhim ako para alisin ang nakabara sa lalamunan ko at mahinang tumawa. "I don't know about that, Tito… I feel like I've only made things worse."

Tito Kevin tilted his head. "Why would you say that?"

I hesitated, my fingers curling around the fabric of the pillow. Kinagat ko ang ibabang parte ng labi ko bago magsalita. "I don't think I ever properly apologized… for everything."

Hindi siya nagsalita at hinintay akong ipagpatuloy ang sasabihin ko.

I clenched my jaw, forcing myself to meet his gaze. "F-For leaving your son that day. And for everything that happened after. I'm so sorry for causing all this pain to your family." 

Tito Kevin sighed, shaking his head. "Zoelle, you don't have to keep carrying that weight."

Hindi ako sumagot pero hindi ko inalis ang tingin sa kanya bago siya magpatuloy.

"I've seen people punish themselves for things beyond their control. At ayokong gawin mo 'yon sa sarili mo," he said gently. "What happened… none of us could have predicted it. And none of us, not even Devin, have ever blamed you. Because it wasn't your fault."

"But if I hadn't—"

"No 'ifs.'" He cut me off with a small smile. "Regret is a heavy thing, Zoelle. You can carry it, or you can learn from it. And from what I see, you've been carrying it long enough."

I pressed my lips together, his words settling in my mind. 

After a beat of silence, I let out a soft chuckle, shaking my head. "You've raised amazing children, Tito. Devin and Divine… they're wonderful."

Tito Kevin smirked. "Well, Kyle wasn't always as wonderful as he is now."

I raised an eyebrow. "Hmm?"

He leaned back slightly, arms still crossed. "Alam mo naman, 8 years ang gap nilang magkapatid. Kaya medyo nasanay si Kyle na mag-isa lang siya. Na-spoiled no'ng bata kaya... he was not really happy about having a little sister.”