You Can't Run, It's Always Behind You

"Ano ba talaga ang gusto mong mangyari, Trisha? Gusto mo bang mapatay ako ni Mommy dahil sa pagsisinungaling para sa'yo? What the heck are you thinking? I don't want to get involved anymore, Trish. Please..." pagmamakaawa ng kapatid kong si Jamaica, habang halos pumutok na ang ugat sa leeg sa sobrang tensyon.

But I didn't flinch. I just stared at her, calm and collected, like always.

I love partying. The loud music, the fake smiles, the fleeting attention, they make me feel alive. Sa party lang ako nagiging totoo, kahit peke ang paligid. They can't stop me. Not my ex-soldier dad who abandoned his passion for Mom, and definitely not my ever-flying, ever-absent mother who thinks love can be bought with souvenir keychains from Europe.

They've always been stricter with me. Si Jamaica, the golden child, can do no wrong. She's soft-spoken, obedient, the kind of daughter they brag about. Ako? I'm the mistake they never talk about in family dinners. The girl who learned to smile while bleeding.

"Stop acting like they'll get mad at you. You're their favorite! Kahit anong gawin mo, they wouldn't get mad at you kasi ikaw ang paborito rito. At huwag mo na akong i-cover up, I can handle myself, bitch," I snapped, voice sharp like glass.

I saw it then... how her eyes glistened. She's always been too soft for this world.

"I just want to make sure you're safe," sagot niya, tinig niya nanginginig. "It's already 1 AM, and kalat sa balita na may killer on the loose. Aren't you afraid to die? Ako na nga lang 'yung nag-c-care sa'yo sa family na 'to, but you can't even appreciate it!"

Safe? That word doesn't exist for girls like me.

"Well, I don't need that anyway. Just get out of my sight."

I grabbed my black purse and heels. The taller the better, the louder the click, the harder to ignore. But not tonight. Tonight, I tiptoed like a ghost down the stairs. Quiet. Careful. Calculated. My black backless dress clung to me like second skin sleek, dangerous, perfect. I've only worn this once. Sayang naman kung mabubulok lang sa closet. I didn't dress up to sit still. This night owed me something.

As I twisted the knob, ready to leave behind this cursed house for just one night of pretending I mattered, I heard her voice again. Cold this time, almost venomous.

"This is the reason they'll never like you. And why they will always hate you."

The words hit like knives. But I didn't let them sink in.

I've been called worse by the people who were supposed to love me. You develop a tolerance for pain when it's your daily breakfast.

I locked the door behind me, not just the one in front of me, but all the ones they tried to use to get in.

3:00 AM

"WOOHOOO!" Sigawan ng mga tao, halakhakan, sayawan, ingay na parang kayang takpan ang lahat ng sakit.

I sat at the edge of the booth, sipping my drink like it was water. Sa dami ng ilaw at tugtog, parang wala ka talagang mararamdamang lungkot, pero mali pala 'yon. Kahit gaano pa kaingay ang paligid, tahimik pa rin 'yung mga iniiyak ng puso ko.

"Bakit nakaupo ka lang diyan? You're supposed to be on the dance floor!" tanong ni Fiona habang sumasayaw pa rin ang balikat niya sa tugtog. She's my best friend, my sunshine in this fake world.