something i'm not so proud of :PHAN: (tw)

*Song: Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan*

- Dan -

It was the middle of the night, and Dan was awake.

Well, technically it was 3 AM, and it wasn't unusual for him to be up this late.

What made it unusual was that Dan had actually fallen asleep, then woke up again.

He wanted to cut.

He wanted to cut so badly that it almost physically hurt him.

So Dan got out of bed, careful not to disturb Phil, who was sleeping next to him, as Dan quietly pulled a t-shirt on.

Dan walked down to the bathroom, not bothering to close the door as he grabbed the razor out of the back of the cabinet.

He sat with his back against the wall, pointing the razor at his right wrist.

It seems as if the blade moves of it's own accord, dragging across Dan's skin and slicing up and down his arm. By the time he's done with his right arms, there are cuts from the shoulderblade all the way down to his wrist.

The metal was cold, which would have surprised Dan if he wasn't already used to it. As he pulls it along, tiny droplets of blood started to bead up out of his wrist.

Dan does the same to his left arm, his right hand slightly shakier than his left hand. He can feel his own blood running in little streaks down his arms and he doesn't know why it feels good but it does.

The razor ends up in his left hand again, a small amount of blood dripping off the tip. Dan simply watches his arms bleed.

"Dan?" He hears Phil's voice echo down the hallway and he knows that he will be found but he doesn't do anything, just watched the blood drip down his arm.

"Dan?" Phil's voice is closer now, and Dan knows he only has a few more seconds until he is found, so he sets the razor on the ground and prepares himself for whatever will happen.

Dan hears Phil gasp from the doorway, looking up. Just seeing the look on Phil's face, of shock, sadness, and pity, makes Dan start crying.

Phil comes in quickly, grabbing the razor from the floor and tossing it in the toilet before flushing it away. Next, he grabs a small rag, getting it slightly damp before rushing it over and using it to get some of the blood off Dan's arms.

"Dan." Phil whispers, and Dan is still crying because he failed, he wasn't strong enough, he couldn't fight it.

"Dan, look at me." Phil whispers again, turning the cloth over and using it to clean the blood off of Dan's right arm. Dan looks up slightly, just high enough to see Phil's face.

"Dan, what is going on?" Phil asks firmly, like he won't take a dishonest answer.

"I-I-" Dan stutters, still crying heavily. "Everything came back, Phil. Sometimes I feel empty and sometimes I'm just sad." Dan made a small noise, like choking but sadder. "I want to die again, Phil."

And suddenly, Phil's arms were around Dan and he was crying into his shoulder, Phil rubbing his hand over Dan's back to try to help him calm down.

They stayed like this for a few minutes, Dan's sobs gradually quieting down. Eventually, Phil pulled away. "Dan, I have to clean those cuts." Dan just nodded, staring at the ground.

"Dan, look up. This is not something to be ashamed of. You can't stay strong all the time. No one can." Dan just stared, and Phil sighed, coming over with a disinfectant.

"Dan, this is going to sting, alright?" Dan nodded slightly, knowing he wouldn't really care as Phil carefully cleaned each cut and wrapped his arms in bandages.

"Dan? Have you been throwing up everything you ate again?" Phil asked, concern lacing his voice.

"Yes." Dan's answer was barely audible, but Phil heard, and Dan was back in Phil's arms.

Dan was crying, and Phil was crying, and they were holding on to each other like they would never let go.

~ ~ ~
Oh look, it's not twenty one pilots!
...it will be tøp again next chapter
XP
~cas

edited 2/7/17