something i'm not so proud of :PHAN: (tw)

*Song: How To Save A Life by The Fray*

- Dan -

"Hello internet."

"As you can see by the title, this is going to be a much more serious video then what I usually post."

"Before I begin, if you didn't pay attention to the other three trigger warnings I put, here is a gigantic trigger warning." Dan paused for a few seconds.

"You still here? Alright, I'll get right into the story." Dan sighed as he began.

"This all started about 3 months ago. I had been feeling down, just constantly. You might say, 'but this is normal!' This is not."

"I was either sad, or just empty. I just wanted to feel something, anything other than this." Dan took a deep breath, preparing to tell the next part of the story.

"About two months ago, I..." Dan could feel tears pricking the corner of his eyes, and tried as hard as he could to hold them back.

"I snapped. I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. I... I..." Dan felt tears start to run down his cheeks.

Phil sat down next to Dan, squeezing his shoulder. "Hey, it's okay. You can do this." Dan nodded. "Thanks, Phil."

"I... I relapsed. I cut again." Dan let out a small sob, and Phil wrapped one arm around him in a comforting manner.

"I used to cut all the time, back before I met Phil. He found out and helped me stop."

"That wasn't the only thing that happened, though."

"Back in 2009, I had... an eating disorder. Bulimia. I got through it, but... it came back as well. And I purged again." Dan was full-on crying at this point, and Phil ran his hand through the younger Brit's hair, murmuring encouragement.

"This went on until about two weeks ago. I had only been cutting up on my shoulders, but that night I woke up at 3 AM and couldn't stop myself."

"I cut up and down both of my arms, and just watched myself bleed for about 4 minutes. That's when Phil woke up."

"Phil found me in the bathroom, arms cut up and bleeding. He helped me clean up and bandage the cuts, then asked me if I had started purging again."

"I hated saying yes." Dan cried even harder, and Phil began rubbing small circles on his back, still whispering reassuringly.

"I've been clean for two weeks now, almost entirely because of Phil. It's been really sure for me, and I'm definitely not cured, but I am better than before."

"So this is my message to all you people out there struggling with similar things: It is impossible for you to never be sad. It is impossible for you to control your mental state. You are not at fault if your mental health goes to shit."

"Take care of yourselves. All of you. Even if you don't have anyone to do it for, not even yourselves, do it for me."

"I love you all."

Dan stopped recording.

"You did it, Dan. I am so proud of you."

"Really?"

"Forever."

Dan clicked upload.

~

~ ~
edited 2/8/17