¡îFaith¡î (A Series Of Poems)

TW: Depression/Eating Disorder/alludes to suicide

I'm tired of feeling depressed
I'm tired of pretending I'm okay
I'm tired of ignoring people
Trying to be who I'm not
Trying to be the me of the past
Tired of wanting to be anyone but me

I'm bothered by you wanting me to be happy
I feel guilt by watching you seeing me suffer
Wanting to cry
Wanting to curl up into a hole and die

I'm tired of all my parents bickering
I'm tired of hearing how we're poor
How father wants to go bankrupt
How he wants us to live in the streets

I'm tired of seeing my two worlds collide
My friends of now
Getting close to my friends of then
Maybe they like them more than me
Because I'm self absored
Weak
Ugly
Unperfectly horrible
flawful me

I'm tired of crying everyday
Fighting with father and mother
Them bringing up the past
My eating disorder
My newly developed
anger problems

How I change everyday
How wanting to enter college, getting into a good high school
Makes my father shout at me
It gets me to boil

I hate that it happens
I hate that I feel like shit
I'm tired of living
I'm tired of getting hurt
Thrown around
Feeling worthless
A bitch
A good for nothing rag

I'm tired of feeling second
Attacked
Shattered

Trying to be perky
Positive
Cheerful

I don't want to be me
But there's no one else I think I can be

Not a "scholar"
But a girl
Someone who is happy
Someone like her

The Crystal of before
But I don't want to be her
I'm tired of yearning
Yearning for the return of that girl
Because she's never coming back
She's been lost in the void
A ghost

I'm literally just tired
I want to drown into my tears

I'm tired of hearing
"Im here for you
If you need to talk I'm here
It's okay to cry
You don't deserve to die
Things will get better
You're a fighter
At least you're smart
Don't be bitter"

I'm tired
So maybe I'll sleep

As I drop the pill into my mouth
And fall into an endless sleep

One.
Where.
I'll.
Never.
Wake.
Up.

Oh how a girl can dream.

Originally released on: Feb 15, 2018