I'm bored... Let's write

(I'm going to skip my private information cuz I cannot imagine someone I know who might stumble and read this. I might get crazy if that happens. Just know I was 15 years old when I wrote this and 16 when I finally have the guts to publish it.)

I love my family, I try to express it as often as I can. There's really nothing to tell you. I never considered myself smart, optimist or beautiful. I never felt special. Growing up, I'm deeply aware of my fault, my body, how I act, and how ugly I was in front of the class. I knew from the moment I was in kinder that I stand weird, I have a bad habit I never learned to fix. I was told by my family every damn day. When I was in 4th Grade, my teacher saw me looking at something, I wasn't listening to class. I couldn't care less what she was saying. She called me, I stood up. My heart is racing so fast. I knew the moment she called me that she'll embarrass me. I'm really aware of my classmates looking at me. I was the center of attention. In that moment, I was scared, I told myself not to cry in front of the class or else I will be more embarrassed, I'm ashamed without doing anything wrong. She asked me about WH questions, ordered me to translate "saan" in English. My throat is filled with dread. I muttered "Where." She didn't heard me, but instead of asking me to say it again, she made fun of me. Said I should be listening and this, my situation standing looking like an idiot, will be the lesson to others. I'm on the verge of tears, I'm holding it at bay. I repeated my answer louder when she asked again. As I was told to seat down, instead of sitting and being grateful it was over, tears started to roll down wildly. I went straight to the bathroom and cried for a couple minutes. The teacher didn't acknowledged it, my best friend went to comfort me. That is the start of me losing my confident, losing my trust to myself, it made me very aware of my mistake. I was really having fun in my elementary days, I don't worry if I got kicked out of the class for being noisy, I don't worry at all. But when that happened, I never stopped worrying. Even if I told myself to stop, because it's unhealthy. I'm hurting myself mentally and I don't know how to stop me.

The only thing I was proud of is my coping skills. I know how to keep it a secret. I never even told my elementary best friend that time. My friends didn't see my anxiousness whenever I was answering or reporting in front of the class. I was proud of myself for keeping it all in. I even thought I was getting better and have confidence now, I got in a few fights with my classmates. But it was fun. My sister first introduced me to books in 5th Grade. It was the Harry Potter series. At first I hate it, the book is very long and I can't understand the sentences. After a few tries, I was finally enjoying it. When I graduated elementary, I told myself to change. Change how I act, how I choose friends. Change me. Not everything goes according to plan. I want to overcome my fear of audience. Want is not enough. I need to act but I don't know how. After some tries, I surrender. Why do I need to change? Why is it necessary? Aren't everyone different? We are different. No one should feel like the way they act is always wrong, some circumstances should be considered. Let's say I was scared to speak, I was mute. A big part of our educational curriculum is recitation. I was scared, and therefore I can't speak. But I was always perfect at paperwork. If I refuse to report, participate in recitation, then am I considered dumb? Stupid? The answer is no. But the society thinks otherwise. Now what is the connection of this to my life? I was forced to do this. My biggest fear is embarrassing myself. So in order for me to not embarrass myself is refuse as much as possible to any sorts of activity that required my presence in front. Yes, it did affect my marks greatly. After all, it's 60% of our grades. I'm fine by it, I'm not that grade conscious.

There's certain things you cannot bring yourself to tell your parents. I love them dearly but I just can't say stuffs to them. I fear that all of my insecurities are weakness. I know that weakness aren't measured by our faults, it is measured by our own way of thinking. My mind is telling me I'm weak for having this anxiety. I have social anxiety, getting along with new people is hard so I tend to keep my friends limited, or few. I do hang out with others but I prefer the said friends more. Specially my best friend. Social anxiety is also the fear of being judge by other negatively. That explains my fear of talking to large audience. I don't know what they're thinking so I always assume bad, negative comments about me. I do that because I think it's better to hurt yourself than someone hurting you. What's worse is if they told me my work is good, it's right and that should be our group's answer, I will immediately doubt myself and ask if they are really, absolutely sure. I rarely trust myself and when I finally did trust me, I'm always wrong. Fate didn't like me, I guess. I have OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in SPD form or Skin Picking Disorder. I wasn't diagnosed by doctors. I found it online. SPD is where you unconsciously scratch or peel your skin. Before, I didn't know what I was doing has a name. I just peel the skin off my lips when I'm either nervous or bored. Sometimes I scratch the dried wounds. When you have this, you can't stop. You don't even know you're doing it, you're unconsciously repeating it.

I finally changed. But for the worse. When your thoughts overcome yourself, you won't even notice it. I thought I felt distanced from my friends. I'm not always around them like I used to. I let it be that way for a long time that it finally became real. I thought that if they didn't invite me with them, then I should stop forcing myself to them. My once close friend stopped talking to me voluntarily, she stopped sharing her thoughts, her opinions and her time. I know this distance feeling isn't just affecting me, I know she noticed it too. But neither of us are taking actions. Maybe I'm too serious for her liking. Maybe I'm maturing and she doesn't like it. She doesn't like me. Maybe... I'll never know, she hasn't talk to me yet. I thought they stopped wanting to hang out with me. When they invited me to karaoke and just have fun, I quickly thought that I won't relate to them anymore. I don't keep up with the rumors they're talking about. What if I make a fool of myself? What if I'll suddenly stare at them and fake laugh while they're laughing over something I didn't understand? I don't want to be the laughing stick. I want to mingle like before. I want to just enjoy their company and not worry about this stupid thoughts that keep popping in my brain. I want to be... I want... I want to change again. I want someone to notice me. Not publicly, but privately. I want them to come to me, voluntarily. I'm a person, too. They can say their secrets with me, insecurities with me and their fear with me. But they aren't serious, they prefer jokes over serious matter. I can't blame them, life is already bad enough so taking everything seriously is making it worse. I can be fun too, I just don't know when is the right time. I'm having a hard time figuring that out.

Change is far from easy. Change is not just wanting. It's about how you act or work to achieve change. I don't believe what they say about people not changing. People always change. Maybe they believed that because they don't know they're actually changing. Small unfortunate time in your life can greatly affect what you will be in the future. See how my 4th Grade teacher did to me? I kind of hate her for it but it's life. You can never control what will happen next. It takes time to live your life to the fullest. I'm not even halfway through it. What I learned about my short life is over thinking is over hurting yourself. I don't know how to turn it off yet but I know in the future I'll be more at ease. I'll let myself indulge every single moment, not worrying how I might look through the eyes of other people. This short story of my life is not as emotionally powerful, what I hope to let other know that self harm doesn't apply only in physical form but also mentally. Thank you, next.