[I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU GUYS DON'T WORRY.
I posted the last chapter on the 3rd of August, I'm losing my mind. I swear, I am SO sorry for the wait. This was all a combination of school starting, writer's block and my pure laziness to overcome that writer's block. Again, I am so sorry, at least I have something to show for it, today's chapter is a bit longer than usual. And I think I have quite a clear plan for chapter 22, so it should be out a lot sooner.
Thank you guys so much for all the support, the votes and the comments and thank you for putting up with my terrible upload schedules. So, please, enjoy today's chapter.]
Tighnari pov
I suppose, that night, I thought everything was fine. It had seemed that way at least. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, that night or the next few days to come. Maybe I just hadn't been paying much attention, or maybe I was just choosing not to notice. But how could that be? Maybe I didn't notice anything because those few days were remarkably unremarkable. Then that must be the reason I hadn't noticed anything, even looking back, little strikes me as odd. But maybe those little inconsistencies meant more than I thought they did.
***
"Oh sorry, did I wake you?" I asked, as I walked out of the bathroom, my dripping hair creating a trail behind me.
"No..." Cyno muttered, rubbing his eyes as he sat on the edge of my bed.
Walking over to my bookshelf I placed my dirty clothes on a neatly stacked pile to be washed. I walked back over to the bathroom and grabbed a small towel to dry out my hair.
"Have you been awake long?" He asked.
"No, about half an hour," I said, turning back towards my room as I took a towel through my hair.
It was dimly lit, the blinds were drawn and the furthest corners were draped in shadows. The table was scattered with Genius Invokation TCG cards from the result of three nights in a row of hanging out and playing a few too many rounds. A couple of piles of clothes he brought over from his room sat in another neat pile on my shelves, though, it wasn't brought in a neat pile.
"Why are you up so early?" Cyno asked, as he pushed his thick, fluffy hair out of his eyes and glanced at me as I stood in the doorway.
"I need to go down to the city and buy a couple of things,"
"Weren't planning on bringing me, huh?" He joked with a groggy, tired laugh.
I laughed, "You said you were busy today, some matra business. You told me last night,"
By the time I had wrung out my hair, Cyno was leaning over and pulling open the blinds and flooding the room with light. I stepped out of the bathroom and walked over to my bookshelf, from which my book bag hung off a hook on the side. I shuffled through the things inside.
"Oh yeah...I did," Cyno said, somehow sounding even more exhausted, he then continued with a laugh "Hey...remind me what I have to do today?"
I felt myself laugh sweetly as I glanced at his tired state.
"Haha, well take what I say with a grain of salt- you were half asleep when you told me,"
"Oh? Was I now?" He joked.
"You said...you had to review some files and then something about talking to your professor, who is now your supervisor," I said, recounting that late-night conversation we had in the darkness of my room.
"Oh. Yeah. That sounds about right," he said, a mildly solemn tone coming over his voice.
I smiled and moved on from my book bag, a couple of things in hand. I opened a couple of drawers at the bottom of my bookshelf and left them inside. I picked out my pocket watch and wallet, to be put inside my book bag.
Despite that I was preoccupied, I felt a change in the air. Cyno quietly took a deep breath. I turned to look at him, he was sitting back down on the edge of my bed, facing the wall.
"Why are you so tired?" I asked he stayed silent for a second.
"Why aren't you?" He finally replied, "We went to sleep at like two, maybe three, it's eight in the morning!"
"Well, I have things I need to do today," I said, walking over to where he sat on the bed.
"So do I!" He replied. I stood in front of him, looking down as he looked up at me.
"Then I suggest you start getting ready," I said softly.
I leaned down, cupping his cheeks gently as I pressed my lips into his. It was slow and sweet. It gradually grew more passionate. I felt his hands wrap around the back of my neck, pulling me in closer and deepening the kiss.
Thought tempted to pull myself onto his lap and see what happened from there. I regained my senses, and slowly pulled back, his hands slipping off the back of my neck. I stood straight, looking down at him, my hand still pointing his chin up. His gaze poured softly into mine. I smiled at him lovingly before I let go. I walked over to the bookshelf to grab my bag and swiftly made my way to the door. I felt his gentle gaze on the back of my head the whole time. As I opened the door and stood in the doorway I glanced back to meet his eyes.
"I'll see you later?" I asked. I didn't specify a time, nor make any specific plans on purpose. I figured it might be a bit easier for the both of us if I didn't.
He stayed quiet, smiling at me affirmingly, but he didn't nod. Maybe it was to say 'yes' or 'maybe' or possibly, he didn't know if he could.
Or maybe he was hesitating.
I smiled back, stepping into the hallway and closing the door behind me.
***
I didn't see him again yesterday. I got back from the markets in the city and as I figured he wasn't in my room. It had only been a couple of hours, so I wasn't expecting him. When I got back, his pile of clothes still sat neatly on my shelf, besides the fact a couple of things had been taken off the top of the pile.
I hadn't seen him in the courtyard or the halls when I went to the cafeteria for lunch. He didn't stay in my room that night either. I figured he must have been too tired. Since I hadn't talked to him since yesterday morning, we didn't have any plans, so I went about making my own. I planned on getting ready and heading to the cafeteria, then once I finished my breakfast I would come back to my room to grab some notebooks and then head to my extracurricular.
I finished my morning routine and left my dormitory for the cafeteria, grabbing an umbrella on my way out. I descended the stairs and stopped to stand in front of the doors to the courtyard. I stared at the lightly pouring rain and was reminded of the night Cyno and I carelessly ran around the courtyard as the rain beat down on us. Despite the cold weather warmth filled my thoughts as I fondly looked back on the memory. I pushed the door open, standing in the shade for a couple of seconds before opening my umbrella and making my way across the drenched courtyard.
Once I entered the large doors on the other side, I folded up my umbrella and wandered through the halls thoughtlessly. But I stopped in my tracks as I came upon a sight that evoked a mild sense of deja vu in me. A figure walking to the end of the hall.
"Cyno!" I called out from behind. He turned and glanced at me as I rushed to catch up. The cafeteria was just around the next corner, so I figured he must have been going to get breakfast as well.
"Oh. Tighnari..." He said plainly. Though his tone didn't match his expression. He looked a bit surprised at first, then mildly nervous but I brushed it off.
"You're heading to breakfast, right? Let's eat together," I said, reaching for his hand.
He took my hand in his, but his hand barely held mine. Gentle but barely reciprocated.
"Oh...I'm sorry...I've already eaten..." He replied, looking at the ground.
"You've already eaten...?" I asked, confused.
"Yeah...I was just going to get some work done..." He said, his gaze briefly latching onto mine.
"But hasn't the cafeteria just started serving breakfast?" I asked, puzzled "It's just after 8:00? Is it not?"
"Well- Yeah, it is, but I've already eaten, you must be confused about when they start serving breakfast," he explained.
"Oh. I see," I said, sullenly.
"I'm sorry, I'm really busy today," He said, his hand suddenly slipping away, as he started walking.
"But it's only 8:00 am...?" I asked into the now empty hall as he rounded the corner. I was met with no reply, just the tapping of light footsteps hurriedly getting further and further from me. I sighed for no real reason. Dismayed, I continued into the cafeteria. With or without him, I still had plans for today.
***
At the time I didn't realise that a cycle had just begun. Actually, it took me quite a few times to realise. Not that I gave up or stopped persisting once I understood, well at least part of it. I wonder at what point, I felt that it was pointless to continue trying.
***
"Have you two seen Cyno recently?" I asked, setting down my tray next to Kaveh and Alhaitham.
"Well, I would have figured you'd have seen him more recently than us," Alhaitham said, without taking his eyes off the food he started eating. I pulled out my seat and sat down.
"Yeah, I would have thought so too," Kaveh said, as he also started eating.
"Yeah...I guess so," I said, my eyes fixated on my food briefly, before I glanced around the room.
The cafeteria wasn't as bustling as usual, the students who weren't from Sumeru City had likely returned home for the holidays. Even some students from the area must have left to stay in their homes down in the city. Only a few students in small groups scattered around the large room, which was made for way more people than there were. There were also a couple of lone students in corners.
"So, when was the last time you saw him?" Kaveh asked, drawing my eyes back to the table.
"Oh...uh, a few days ago," I explained. I was only a bit worried about him, I hadn't seen him at all in those three days, not even passing in the hall or eating in the cafeteria. I mostly just wanted to see him. To hold him. Just be with him. I hadn't gone looking for him because I knew he'd be busy.
"I haven't seen him at all, not even in the hallways or the library," I explained, as I picked at my food "He hasn't even been staying-"
I paused, suddenly, cutting off my sentence, barely catching myself from finishing with 'staying in my room'.
"Hm? Hasn't been staying, what?" Kaveh asked. At this Alhaitham finally glanced up, this seeming to be the only thing that could get him to spare a look at anything besides his food. As I met his gaze I knew what he was thinking of, as if he'd read my mind and connected the dots. I looked away, hoping to hide my reddening cheeks.
"Nothing..." I said.
I took a glance at Kaveh, sitting on the opposite side of the table from me. He seemed to notice my reaction to Alhaitham's gaze. He looked suspicious for a moment but ultimately chose to ignore it.
"Well, for Cyno, disappearing for a few days is perfectly normal, I mean, I do it too," He explained, then slowly added, "Although..."
"That's not the case for you, is it?" Alhaitham added, finally speaking up and finishing Kaveh's sentence for him.
"I suppose not..." I said.
"I guess that doesn't reassure anything for you, does it?" He laughed a bit, "You two see each other almost every day, right?"
"Have you checked his room?" Alhaitham asked.
"Oh yeah, he might just be cooped up in there," Kaveh added.
"I haven't checked, but I don't think he's been in his room that much these past few days and-"
"Right, he'd rather spend time with you than sit in his room, doing god knows what," Kaveh said, cutting me off, I smiled slightly at the comment.
"I think he's quite busy," I said, "but even then, I feel like I would have seen him around,"
"I guess so," Kaveh said, "Sorry, I don't know how to help you,"
"It's fine, don't worry about it," I said. I finally gave up and stopped picking at my food and started eating. The three of us ate in silence for a good few minutes. But it felt weird, normally, when we ate lunch together, there would be four of us. The seat next to me felt particularly empty as we ate.
I ate quietly for a few more minutes, I didn't pay attention to the little conversations Alhaitham and Kaveh had. Then suddenly, without reason, I felt the need to look up. I quickly glanced at the entrance of the cafeteria. I saw a quick flash of white and dark grey, then I focused in on it. A figure covered in a dark grey cloak walking away from the entrance. Though, whoever this was, was quite far away, I noticed their hand gripping the side of their cloak.
I felt my eyes widen as I realised. The figure was the same height as Cyno and had the same bright white hair.
"Something wrong?" Kaveh asked, drawing my attention away from the entrance and back to the table. I stared at him for a second, unable to formulate the words, taking careful peeks at the boy walking off.
"Oh... uh, it's nothing...I just...thought...I saw Cyno over there...Must have been someone else though," I explained slowly. With that Kaveh didn't add any comments and continued eating.
I looked at my food with little appetite left and an uneasy feeling in my stomach but I continued eating anyway. I ate quicker, finishing before the other two. I excused myself and went to drop off my tray before going back to my room.
***
Flowers glowed radiantly, vines tangled and hung, marble columns shined, sunlight seeped through the stained glass, dyeing the terraces in a pale blue. Truly a magical sight. Like we had stepped into a child's storybook, depicting unimaginable wonders. But it didn't compare to the sight of this place once the sun set. Walking up the winding path, guided by celestial bodies settled deep into the night sky, glittering flowers and dancing fireflies.
I hadn't actually been up here since that night Cyno brought me. Whether it was that I never found the time or I just wanted to go with him. It was still just as beautiful but it wasn't quite as peaceful with a few other students around. I still would have figured that students would go during the night, but at the time I guess it was so late that no one else was even awake.
I did want to come back up here with Cyno but timing just didn't seem to be in my favour. Or maybe he just didn't seem to be in my favour.
Since Cyno couldn't seem to spare any more of his precious time, I brought Haypasia with me. I glanced over at the adorably dorky girl. She had stars in her eyes as she admired the place, I vaguely remember acting like that when Cyno brought me.
Ah, there I go again.
Thoughts of Cyno seemed to plague my mind once more. This happened before we had realised our feelings for each other before we started dating. It had started again once things began going south. It hadn't happened in the interim. For the most part.
Wishing more than anything, to be able to push him out of my mind for at least a few hours while I hung out with Haypasia, not wanting to ruin the mood this place set.
As we made our way through the weaving paths and gazebos we found a bench to sit on and admire the beauty of our surroundings. Haypasia sat straight up, looking around wildly as if she still wanted to explore despite that we had seen all that there was to see.
"I can't believe I didn't know about this place!" she said excitedly. I smiled at her enthusiasm, eager for a distraction from that stupid boy.
"It really is amazing," I said, looking out over the garden. I leaned over, resting my head on my hand, my elbow on my knee. We sat in a peaceful silence for a few minutes before Haypasia spoke up again.
"So when do you plan on leaving?" she asked, she began lounging as she calmed down.
"Hm...maybe...in about a week, maybe two," I replied, looking over at her.
"I see," She said, and as if lost in thought for a moment, "I thought you'd be going a bit sooner,"
"I'll still have plenty of time in Gandharva Ville. It'll take me about four days to get there if I'm quick, so I'll be able to spend at least three weeks back home," I replied.
"I guess that is quite a while," she said, quieting down, though it seemed like she had more to say. I glanced at her, waiting for her to continue.
"Do you think Cyno has enough time to go with you?" she asked curiously.
Ah, and there it goes, once again.
A topic I'd walked on eggshells to avoid, even when I knew it was unavoidable with some people. I sat there, my mouth hanging open like an idiot, unable to answer her. Haypasia, to my dismay, to quick notice of this.
"Everything alright?" she asked "You look a bit dejected all of a sudden,"
"I...Don't think I'm going to take Cyno anymore..." I said, finally finding the words.
"Oh! Why not?" she inquired suddenly. Putting my best sad smile on, I answered her.
"You're right, he is too busy," I said, sadly, hoping she couldn't hear that I was lying.
Maybe that was what was going on, but with every passing day that became harder to believe.
It's not like I wasn't sad, I was. But I was feeling too many other things right now. One of them being anger. Anger at myself for thinking about him all the time despite that being the one thing I didn't want to do and anger at him for the past week and a half.
But it also just hurt. I couldn't help but feel sad sometimes. It was all far too complicated, and I simply didn't feel like talking about it. Not that there was much to talk about. I, myself, barely knew what was going on.
"That's too bad," Haypasia said. She probably noticed something was wrong, but she didn't push, and I was grateful for that.
The silence that came between us in the minutes that followed our conversation was welcoming. Like a respite from things I didn't want to talk about, even if I was still thinking about them.
I took a deep breath, pushed my thoughts down and filled my mind with luscious green distractions. I glanced out at the wide expanse of the Avidya forest as I sorted through treasured memories that had taken root in my head when I came here. Imagined the people I would get to see again. All my old friends and family, dreamed of places I would visit, places I used to run away to when I was younger. All the places I would be too big to hide in now.
I can't wait.
Remembering the biggest of trees I used to climb. And the plants in the little garden around my old house that I would cater to. The little shiny blue and yellow lotuses I would collect by the banks of the river that ran underneath our humble village. The dusk birds singing as they perched upon our pathways.
Suddenly I was dragged out of my wondrous stupor. I felt my ears twitch about at the sound of painfully familiar noise before I suddenly glanced up.
I felt my breath leave me as my eyes met that stupidly beautiful boy.
I stood up in an instant, keeping my gaze straight and focused on him.
He turned around suddenly and walked back in the direction he came, he rounded the corner and I heard him continue walking.
"Not this time," I muttered under my breath as I fell into a swift stride to catch up with him.
"Tighnari!?" Haypasia called out frantically from behind me as I walked off. She probably hadn't noticed Cyno "Wait! Where are you going?"
I heard her get up to follow me but I didn't pay any mind to that. I sped up a bit.
"Cyno!" I called out when I caught up, I grabbed his arm from behind, startling him just as much as my shout.
He flinched and turned around suddenly. It wasn't much but it was a small win, considering I'd been unable to do much more since we last saw each other.
We stared at each other for a few wordless seconds. I could hear Haypasia catch up behind us but again, didn't pay any mind to that.
Cyno looked as he typically did, his fluffy white hair fell seamlessly across his shoulders, hanging gently over his left eye. He had a dark grey cloak draped over his shoulders, with the hood pulled over his head. So he was the boy I saw in the cafeteria.
But there was something off about him.
Maybe it was the shock in his expression. Maybe it was the nervous air around him. Maybe it was his red and puffy eyes.
I opened my mouth to speak, to say anything at all, but nothing came out.
And by then it was too late. He pulled his arm out of my grasp in a sudden movement. He backed up a few steps and turned around.
"I...I'm sorry, I can't right now...I'm busy..." He muttered stubbornly as he began to walk off.
I watched him for a few seconds, trying to force my mouth to find the words to fill up the empty space growing between us.
"I know you're avoiding me!" I finally choked out pathetically. I stared at him in anticipation, hoping he would finally give in and drop the act.
At this he seemed to stall, he stopped for a second, his shoulder tensing as if my words shocked him, surprised him, maybe even worried him.
In fact, I wished those words hurt him.
But they didn't. They couldn't have. He continued walking off at a hurried pace. Leaving me alone. I felt something inside me crack, an open wound, only getting bigger, and god did it sting.
I stood there, a range of emotions crashing down like waves. I felt my anger surge but it held nothing against the numbing ache that pulsated through my body as he continued walking away.
I stared blankly.
I just struggled to believe this was the same person I'd fallen so hopelessly for. I tried and tried to convince myself there was some sort of explanation but no matter how much I stared at the place in which he stood a few minutes ago, I couldn't think of anything. I understood what he was doing but I just couldn't understand why. Every little possibility that I thought up hurt me just as much as him walking away.
At some point, Haypasia had walked up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. She didn't say anything, probably figuring it'd be best not to talk. Or maybe she did say something, and I was too lost in my own head to even hear her.
However, after a few more minutes, her words broke through the whirring in my ears.
"You want to talk about it?"
***
"You up for a game?"
I felt my ears twitch a second before I glanced up at the tall blonde boy standing in front of me, holding his decorated Genius Invokation TCG deck on display, a smile stretched across his face. Not too far behind him, stood another tall one. Except this one held a stern look and had his arms crossed. I stared for a few seconds too long as I wondered how they had found me.
I abandoned the thoughts as I flipped my novel closed and put on my best smile to greet them.
"Why not?" I said. Kaveh smiled a bit wider as he moved to seat himself at the picnic bench I had situated myself at a few hours ago. I hunkered down to study in the gardens. I would have found it understandable if the two had found me in the courtyard but the gardens were a few levels higher than the dormitories.
"We didn't interrupt your studying did we?" Kaveh asked as he pulled his cards out of his case and began setting them up. AlHaitham, seated next to him, did the same, looking as uninterested as ever.
Despite their common disdain for each other, frequent disagreements and lack of care for the other's interest, they always seemed to be together, like a package deal, you really couldn't get one without the other.
"Not at all," I replied as I began piling up some papers I had set out "I was studying earlier, but I got distracted,"
I gestured to the novel I had put aside.
"That doesn't seem like you," he said, puffing out a small, hard laugh. I didn't reply to his comment and simply continued to pack away my things. I had only dropped the studying because it was proving to not be a good enough distraction.
He seemed to notice how I had stayed quiet.
"Uh... everything alright?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yeah, I'm fine," even I could hear how clearly that statement wasn't true. I almost physically recoiled the second the words came out of my mouth. They even drew up Alhaitham's eyes. Kaveh gave me a worried look. I tried to ignore it as I packed away my things.
"My TCG deck is in my room, so I'll have to go back and grab it...I'll be a few minutes," I added quickly, making sure my eyes didn't meet his as I stood up. Despite how obvious it was that I was most definitely not alright, neither of them stopped me or pushed for details. Which I was immensely grateful for.
I walked off, various papers not packed away and my novel slipping out of my hands. I wanted to make my escape before the topic of my stability was brought up. I heard them talking in hushed voices, though it was mostly Kaveh, as I rounded a corner.
I walked past small, neat trees, kept in line as with everything else in this fabricated and unnatural garden. Desolate little ponds with nothing but little lotuses popping up out of murky water. Dull Sumeru roses sat sadly in orderly rows pushed up against a line of rectangular, symmetrical stones to stop dirt from spilling over the edge and onto the stone brick walkway. Each patch of grass blocked off in little patches, encasing the path.
The Akademiya's garden wasn't much of a beauty to behold, being one of the only exceptions for this prestigious school. It was rather typical and uninteresting.
I had only chosen this place instead of the courtyard to avoid...bumping into that...
I didn't let the thought finish. Instead, I continued counting down the days until I could leave this...city.
I turned around another corner and below I saw the wide open area of the courtyard. I began descending down the path as I finally managed to get piles of things I was holding into a tidier stack in my arms.
As I walked, I silently prayed that Kaveh and Alhaitham, mostly Kaveh, had forgotten about my slip-ups and or just didn't mention them at all.
Once I had gotten to the dormitory, I pushed open the glass doors, made my way inside and up the stairs. I walked along the corridor to my room mindlessly until I reached my room.
That was until a peculiar noise caught my attention. It was hard to describe, it sounded like frantic shuffling but for once I couldn't tell if the noise was being made by a pair of hands or a pair of feet. Quite possibly both.
But the most important part was the noise itself, the part that clawed at my nerves was that it was coming from inside my room.
I took a quick but calming breath and gently put my hand on the doorknob. Silently turning it, I then suddenly and forcefully shoved the door open.
I felt my breath leave me.
"Cyno!?"
But it wasn't my yelling that had startled him, it was the door suddenly being pushed open behind him.
I stood in my doorframe, complicated emotions running wild around me. He stared at me wide-eyed like a deer in headlights.
He wore the same cloak from the other day but this time the hood hung around his shoulders. His cat-like eye looked painfully red in the wrong places. His white hair looked more tousled than usual, covering more of his face than it typically did and in his arms was a small bunched-up pile of clothes.
"What are you doing in here!?" I yelled, being the first to properly speak. He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but nothing came out. His bottom lip quivered and his expression held one of shock and panic. He took a careful and hesitant step back almost instinctively as if it would help his case in this situation.
"You can't back out of this one! You can't use the same excuse you've been using for the past two weeks!" I raised my voice a bit more.
"I-I...well..."
"Why are you in here!?" I called out again, my frustrations and confusion growing.
"I was grabbing my clothes! Okay!?" he finally yelled, he continued but his words trailed off "I just...I..."
I looked at him speechlessly. I felt angry but doubted my face gave that away, I probably looked more along the lines of devastated.
He held the piles of crumpled-up clothes a bit tighter to his chest when I stayed quiet and I couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous of them.
He detached his gaze from mine and looked down, he almost looked a bit shameful. Though I doubted that. He took a few careful, tentative steps towards me until he stood in front of me. He tried to gently push past me to get out into the corridor when I finally came to my senses.
I finally forced my eyes back to his
"You could have asked me to give them back!" I said desperately. He did the same thing, opening his mouth as if he wanted to speak but nothing came out again and he gently walked past me into the corridor.
"What is going on with you!? Why won't you speak to me!?" I shouted in desperation to salvage something that may no longer be worth it.
"Have I...Have I done something?" I called out "Why have you been avoiding me!?"
He stopped just in front of the door. He held an unreadable expression as I stared at him. He looked dismayed at the least, but beyond that, I just couldn't tell.
"No...no you haven't done...I just...I just need more time...to...think..." He replied slowly.
I stood there, speechless and pathetic, unsure of what to think or even how to respond. He began walking down the hall.
"If... if whatever this is has anything to do with me, then...then talk to me! Please!" I called out, but there was barely a hitch in his step as he continued walking until he reached the stairwell and began descending. I stood there staring at the spot in which he disappeared from my vision, standing exactly where he had left me alone. Once again.
I rushed inside my room and quickly slammed the door shut. I slowly collapsed against my closed door until I was on the floor. I'd let the books and papers in my hand slip out and onto the floor. Right now I couldn't care less about them. I clasped my hand over my mouth roughly and shut my eyes tightly as tears threatened to spill. I tried to control my breathing but it was rugged and uneven.
It took me a lot longer to fully calm myself. I got up and walked to my bathroom, glancing at my dishevelled state in the mirror, I wet my hands under the tap and washed my face, mostly my eyes. I just wanted to make sure it didn't look like I had been crying when I returned to Kaveh and Alhaitham.
Once I finished rinsing my face, I felt a sigh ring out through my body, my eyes brimming with small tears again. I wiped them away again before they could stain my face. I snatched my Genius Invokation TCG deck off my shelf despite how I most certainly was no longer in the mood, I didn't want to stand up the other two, who had really done absolutely nothing wrong.
I collected myself and my thoughts before I pushed open the door I had been collapsed against for far too long to make an excuse about.
I walked down and out of the building and then back to where I had previously sat, a good twenty minutes later than I should have been.
When the two saw me approach, I tried to put on a welcoming smile, though I doubted I was successful. Kaveh still held the worried expression as he glanced between me and Alhaitham. I pulled out my deck and started setting up my cards.
Despite that I had just gotten back to the picnic bench, I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.
***
I was growing impatient, yet as of right now. I was the one not doing anything. Not yet ready to bother trying. Like my body couldn't get up out of bed but my head was trying to force myself up and do something instead of waiting around and twiddling my thumbs.
I stared up at the empty canvas that was my ceiling. Well, said canvas was mostly empty, it was lightly painted with a warm, soft orange light from the one window sitting above my bed. As I stared up, my legs dangling off the edge of my bed like I had done so many times before, the soft light only grew a deeper orange as I stalled.
The other night I had been so adamant but ultimately failed. Maybe I just hadn't been forceful enough. I had wanted to try again, but it had been two days. Two whole days of stalling. Well almost.
After he'd left me standing in my doorway, I had stalled, something I seemed to be good at, going back to the picnic bench where I had left Alhaitham and Kaveh. Probably worrying one of the pair more than deserved, which was nothing, really. Kaveh, despite him not really knowing, at least to my knowledge, about what has been happening between me and Cyno these past few months, has been supportive in showing that he at least cares about me. And I've known Alhaitham long enough to know he isn't great at expressing his care through words. I'd known them for almost as long as I'd known Cyno.
When I did, eventually, get back, I'd silently prayed they wouldn't try and pry into what took me so long. And thankfully, they didn't. I'd entertained them for a couple of hours before making up some excuse to leave and then sulk about my dorm room. At least by then I wasn't holding back tears.
I stared up at the soft orange light, well aware that daylight was beginning to fade. I sighed and pushed myself up into a sitting position. I stared at the door for another couple of minutes, unable to move. Or maybe I was just telling myself that. I knew confrontation was unavoidable, whether I did it now, or in a week.
Either that or I gave up entirely
But I wasn't ready for that. And it was nowhere near close to that yet, anyway.
And...even if it was, I'm not sure I would have the heart to do so. I just...I just...
I just loved him too much.
And so I finally pushed myself up and out of bed. Rubbed my eyes thoroughly to wipe away any stray tears and I hadn't noticed fell. I sighed again, rehearsing lines in my head as I pushed open my door, even when I knew it wasn't guaranteed that I could talk to him.
I walked down the dim corridor, down the tiled stairs, through the clear glass door and over to the third dormitory along.
A trip I had made, many times, but often under much better circumstances. I pushed open the door and climbed up the stairs.
Who knows why I picked now of all times? I've had plenty of time previously, and I hadn't stopped him either of the times he walked away from me. So what made now different? Maybe now I was finally starting to feel him slipping. Like I was holding up what was left with a thin and fraying thread.
Maybe I would have been able to handle myself without him, and maybe I would have been able to get by the past year even if he wasn't constantly by my side. Just where I liked him.
But I suppose that wasn't really true, was it? We'd spent two weeks out of each other's grasp and I really wasn't the same person I was three weeks ago.
Archons I just want to hold him again.
I walked to stand in front of his room. I took a few steadying breaths as I raised my hand. But before I could knock I sucked in a quick breath as I heard light shuffling and another indiscernible sound.
He's here.
Suddenly a bit more sure of what I was doing, though still hesitant, I lightly knocked on the door.
"Cyno...?" I called out softly.
I heard a sudden sharp breath as soon as I spoke. I felt myself nervously lean away from the door. But I couldn't stop now, I needed to speak with him.
"Cyno...I want to talk to you..." I called out again with another short and quiet set of knocks. Another sharp breath came from the other side of the door. I waited, not too close to the door, but not too far away. Hoping to hear any signs of him getting up to open the door.
I grew uncomfortable as I waited and waited.
"Cyno...Please..." I pleaded, leaning closer to the door again. I silently begged to hear those uniquely light footsteps I'd grown so used to hearing. It was like a missing part of the cacophony of noises present in the bustle of the Akademiya.
I felt myself grow more restless, more hopeless and I waited through mostly silence but was accompanied by our quiet breathing.
I knocked again, knowing it probably wouldn't change anything. He knew I was here, I knew he was inside, but he didn't move to let me in like he always had. Didn't welcome me in with a hug and a sweet little kiss on my cheek. I lay my palms flat against the door, leaning my head onto it.
"Cyno...I just...Please...just let me in" my voice cracked as I tried not to choke on my words. Then I heard the breathing on the other side of the door grow shaky.
I retracted my hands and my head in a sudden movement and gasped lightly when I heard his breathing change.
Is he...crying?
I stared in disbelief at the door as if it would open and show me what lay inside. Speechless for a moment.
I felt my eyes water, unsure of what to think. I leaned back against the door again, my hand and forehead laying on it in a fruitless attempt to be just a bit closer to him. I felt my ears flop down to the side of my head unintentionally. I wanted more than anything to break down the once invisible but now very real and tangible walls between us. I wanted to force my way in and wrap my arms around him. I wanted to go in there and kiss his forehead and pretend that everything was okay again, pretend nothing had happened at all. I wanted to go in there and lay down with him, to fall asleep in his arms, to fall asleep feeling his heartbeat against my back and his warm breath on my neck.
I cried silently for all the things I yearned to have back, for all the words that weren't being said.
"Cyno...I just...want you back..." my voice cracking, I said in one last futile effort to right things.
***
Maybe it was then that I stopped trying. Maybe this was when I truly gave up and thought nothing would come of it if I continued trying. Because I just couldn't beyond this.
***
It's hard to say how long I stayed at his door that night before I finally gave up and walked off. Another failed attempt, not that there were many, to begin with. It could have been five minutes, it could have been twenty. I was only brought out of my miserable trance because I heard someone walking up the stairs and didn't want to be caught leaning against their 'neighbours' door, crying.
It wasn't like a proper sob, just small silent tears. The most I'd ever really cried for him. I never had much reason to before. Everything was perfect, I'd always called it 'our own little world' when the bothers of reality didn't affect us when we were together. But maybe I was wrong, maybe it wasn't 'our own little world' but just 'mine'.
As the tangent or internal monologue continued in my head, I closed the door behind me and stared at the drained, dejected and disappointing person standing in the mirror. I looked away from the creature I'd become and stripped myself of my clothes to wash away every unsightly emotion and tear-stained cheek.
I stepped into the shower, I turned the handle so the water turned cold. Letting it flow and drip smoothly through my hair and body. Sighing as cold water grazed my skin. I let it soak me as I stood there, wallowing in the pool of my emotions swirling at my feet.
Since then, I'd seen Cyno around campus a few times, just when I was walking around. I wasn't really doing anything. I haven't been studying. Working. Training. Attending my extracurriculars. Hanging out with any of my friends. I just couldn't. So all I'd found myself doing was aimlessly walking around the Akademiya and the lower city. With no intentions and no goals in mind. All just to leave my room, all so I wouldn't be sitting around rotting.
Every time I'd seen Cyno around campus, each and every time, he was farther and farther away from me than the last. Whether it be a nearby shelf in the House of Daena, then to a father one. Or if it was halfway across the main courtyard to all the way across. I'd even seen him walking off to god knows where in the pouring rain at ungodly hours. Those were a couple of the days I chose to stay in. Regardless, it felt like no matter how hard I tried, he always ended up further away from me.
I relished in the cold water pouring on me. I ran my hands through my hair feeling as the water squeezed out of it.
Well, it was true that I hadn't hung out with any of my friends for a while. I have spoken to them. Alhaitham. I had been walking into the cafeteria for breakfast thoughtlessly when he caught my shoulder. It took me by surprise way more than it should have. At the time he was surprised I hadn't noticed him standing in the doorway, as was I. I should have heard him, at least seen him. But I must have been too out of it to be alert enough to see him.
He asked me where Cyno was. But I obviously wasn't able to tell him anything besides 'check his room'. But we both knew he wasn't going to be there. I figured Alhaitham must have been catching on to the issues brewing between us.
I rinsed the fragrant and fruity soap off my body, once it flowed off, it swirled around the drainage like a hurricane circling around its eye. I raised my hands and cupped them under the shower head, letting the water pool in my palms. I brought it up to my face and rubbed my eyes and cheeks thoroughly, trying to remove any evidence that I'd been crying.
I sighed again. Turning off the cold water, which no longer really felt cold but lukewarm not that it had actually changed temperature. Now that I'd stepped out of the water, the world felt cold, and painfully so.
I grabbed the towel off the rack roughly as I began to dry myself. I wrapped the towel around my body and reached up to squeeze the cool water out of my smooth black hair. I opened my bathroom door and walked over to my cupboard, still feeling dejected. I pulled open a couple of drawers and sorted through piles of no longer neatly folded clothes.
Although I didn't want to and didn't feel like it, there were things that I needed to do. So I'd rolled out of bed at a pathetically late time and gotten into the shower after a little bit too much stalling.
I picked out the least battered clothes I could find. I stared at the unruly pile for a couple more minutes.
I need to clear that out, and soon. I thought.
I let the towel fall to my ankles, and I slipped my clothes on smoothly. Once I had my clothes on, I picked the towel back up and wrapped it around my shoulders so my hair wouldn't get my clothes wet. I walked back into my bathroom, avoiding any glances towards the mirror. I picked up my hairbrush and took it through my hair for a few minutes, to dry it and clear it of any remaining tangles. Then I started packing my book bag with all the necessary things that I needed, leaving the towel hanging on my shoulders.
Once I'd finished packing my bag, I pulled the towel off and hung it up in my bathroom before closing the door behind me. I went over and sat on the edge of my bed, contemplating which of my many errands, which I had been avoiding, I would need to do first.
I decided I would leave searching the House of Daena for books to tomorrow. And that today, I would sort out all the necessary things in my extracurricular, buy a few extra supplies and clear up space for the plethora of books I was about to borrow. So having planned out my next two days, I stood up and slung my book bag over my shoulders and walked over to my door. I placed my hand on the handle and turned it and...
A short chorus of gasps ensued, from both me and him.
Cyno.
I physically recoiled, almost falling over backwards as I stepped back on uneven feet.
Emotions I'd buried in the deepest corners of my mind crashed back into me with the force of a raging sumpter beast as I stared on. I felt my eyes widen and my bottom lip quivered.
I stared at him, he lowered his arm as if just before I opened the door, he was about to knock.
He held a similar disbelief or shock in his eyes. But his expression was harder than mine, more angry, more forced.
Once I'd overcome my initial shock, I pressed my lips into a forced line, while his hung open slightly.
"Tighnari!...I..." he started, trailing off. Despite his expression, he spoke nervously and hesitantly as if he wasn't quite ready.
Maybe I'd been waiting for a few too many weeks, but somehow, I still didn't feel ready to face whatever lay ahead.
But, I was angry. He disappeared without explanation, had refused to talk to me and avoided me incessantly for a few weeks and suddenly showed up at my door.
"What are you doing here?" I said, my expression growing dark, venom coating my voice.
He looked taken aback for a second as if my words and the way I'd said them were that unexpected. He steeled his expression, but that didn't change the hesitancy in his voice.
"Tighnari... I need to talk to you," he eventually choked out.
I was dumbstruck.
He needs to talk to me...?
He needed to talk to me but couldn't be bothered for the past two weeks to even look me in the eyes when I tried talking to him.
Scratch that. I wasn't angry.
I was fucking furious.
After all that, and he wanted to talk? What about me?
"You want to talk?" my voice seething with venom "What gives you the right to think that you can just come here and then ask me to talk to you?"
"Well...I" he began, but with every word he tried to speak, he lost a little more composure "Look, I just really need to talk to you,"
It took all my willpower not to blow up on him.
"It's abo-"
"No,"
"What...?"
"I said no. I'm not going to talk to you," I said, trying to keep as calm as I could.
I did want to talk to him. Desperately, but I wasn't going to let him see that. I wasn't going to give in so easily. I wasn't going to let him push me around and use me like a doormat. Besides, I really didn't have the time to talk to him.
"What...But you..." he lost more of his wobbly composure, he looked slightly puzzled but he grew more worried by the second.
"I'm busy. I can't talk right now," I said, trying to calm myself.
He looked surprised by my response. Holding in every emotion that rushed back to me when I saw him, I walked forward and pushed past him into the hall, closing the door behind me. Ignoring him, I continued to walk down the hall.
"Wait! Tighnari...this is important, it...it can't wait," He called out behind me as he started to catch up.
How dare he.
"It's going to have to," I retorted, refusing to look back at him.
Not that I needed to anymore, as I reached the stairs at the end of the hall, he caught up and began walking beside me.
"Come on, It's important!"
Enough.
"Well, it could wait two weeks! Why can't it wait a little damn longer!" I shouted.
He didn't reply immediately, as if he needed a minute to find the words as if he didn't have weeks prior.
"I only just found out!" he said back, his voice raising but not as much as mine did.
I stopped walking to turn around and look at him furiously. I was a couple of steps below him as I looked up.
"Found out what!?" I snapped. He seemed to be getting angrier as well.
"Why did you tell Haypasia about us!" He yelled in a hushed voice.
It was my turn to be shocked.
"What...?"
"Haypasia knows what's going on between us! And she said you told her!" he said in that same angry, hushed voice.
"Huh...?" I said, dumbfounded.
"Stop playing dumb! Why would you tell Haypasia that we're...that...we're...together,"
"...You're angry at me...for telling Haypasia?"
"Of course I am!"
I turned back around and continued down the stairs.
"I'm not dealing with this right now," I said. I didn't know what to feel. What to think. Is that why he's been avoiding me...? No, no...he said he just found out. My thoughts blurred as I tried to process this new information.
'Tighnari! How long has she known? Why didn't you even think to talk to me before you told her!?" he questioned angrily, as he continued to follow behind me. His tone grew more frustrated, but I could only stand this for so long. I'd been persistent, but he couldn't spare me a second, why should I?
"Good to know the only reason you're willing to talk to me is to yell at me," I snapped again, turning to him for a brief second. He stopped following behind me and seemed to hesitate more. But it was only a short second before he continued to follow me down the stairs.
"Has Haypasia told anyone?" he asked suddenly, only a couple of steps above me.
It felt like he was clawing at my nerves, truly trying to irritate me in every way he could think of.
"No! Haypasia hasn't told anyone! And even if she did, what would it matter!?" I semi-yelled, I wanted to keep my voice down to not cause any disturbances.
He paused again as if to carefully think about his response. I didn't wait for him and continued to the bottom of the stairs. I rounded the corner and stepped into the main hall of the dormitory, I took a brief glance at the small common space before heading towards the doors, which were not typically open. There were a couple of students at the opposite end of the hall and a few hanging around outside.
Suddenly, I heard Cyno rush down the stairs before he lost me. He saw me halfway out the door and quickly caught up.
"Look, maybe you don't think it's important, but I do!" He said in a hushed voice just behind me.
"Well, I don't understand why you care about it so much! Haypasia is one of my best friends, she was going to find out sooner or later!" I replied, with clearly much less care about the volume and tone of my voice. I barely spared him a quick glance and continued walking out into the courtyard.
"Just because she was going to find out sooner or later didn't mean you had to go on a tell her directly!" he said in that hushed voice again.
"Can you just drop it!? I told you. I can't talk right now and I definitely don't have the energy to deal with this, or you!" I said, trying to control my voice a little bit, I stared at him for another few seconds before I turned back.
I thought I could finally catch a break once I didn't hear him continuing to trail me like a lost puppy. But once I was a couple of metres away, I heard him speak up again.
"What's with you? I get that things haven't been great for the past few weeks but that doesn't mean you have been so angry with me, isn't this what you wanted? Me to talk to you? The past few weeks...there's just been so much on my mi-," He tried reasoning, hushed and quietly but I cut him off.
"What's with me? Seriously?" I turned back to look at him, he took another few steps forward and stood just in front of me. His shoulders tensed and he almost flinched, he glanced around us as if to check for something.
He'd finally done it. Said something that pushed me over the edge. Fucking enough.
"Are you kidding me? You knew how much I wanted to talk to you? You knew, and you still ignored me!?" The louder my voice grew, the more tense he looked
"Well- there was a lot on my mind...I told you I needed more time to think..." he said quietly, looking a bit more ashamed, but not enough for me to be satisfied.
"And you couldn't even bother to tell me what it was!?"
"I-"
"Do you even know how much it hurt watching you walk away every time you said you were too busy or every time you ignored me!?" I yelled. It took all my effort to force the tears threatening to spill, back. I couldn't even care about all the eyes and hushed whispers from the bystanders "The countless times you walked away from me, when you barged into my room and when you didn't let me in!"
I forced my gaze on him, seeming like he finally understood how I felt, he looked nervous, hesitant, unsure of how to respond, unsure of how to put out the fire that he kindled. He tried everything in his power to avoid my eyes.
"I...I'm sorry...but can we not do this here...please," he pleaded softly, in a hushed voice.
Something broke inside me. His soft, soothing voice made me want to push all my emotions aside and jump into his arms and let him hold me, even if I knew he wouldn't. As much as I wanted to give in, I stood my ground.
"You lost your chance to decide where we had this conversation!" I yelled back, he shrunk down pathetically, his eyes rapidly looking around as he became even more aware of the onlookers. Still talking behind their hands and in ears with hushed whispers but we knew they were talking about us.
"Look, I-I really am...so sorry...let's just go somewhere else," he begged, he spoke even more softly, willing my tears to fall but they didn't. His words blurred, I could hear his voice but I couldn't tell what he said.
"Didn't it ever occur to you how much you were hurting me!?"
It was like pouring away a bucket of water, once it began flowing it kept going. I couldn't stop it from pouring out, it was far too heavy.
"I-"
"Didn't you hear me outside your door!? How many times I begged you to just say anything to me, and you still didn't!" I cried, my eyes beginning to sting.
His mouth hung open as if hoping something would come out of it that could salvage the drowning situation. He looked at me, his eyes finally on me, he looked worried, scared almost.
"I'm sorry! I didn't think it would hurt you so much, I- I didn't mean to-," he was getting more desperate.
Wouldn't hurt me? But...how could that be...? Don't you understand...?
My thoughts and my eyes blurred. My eyes stung and my throat burned. My words? I didn't even know where they came from, maybe I was only feeling them, not thinking them.
"Didn't think it would hurt me!? Don't you know- can- can't you tell just how much I love you!?" I cried, unable to contain myself any longer.
Ahh, there it goes...I finally said it...shit...
And it was like a bomb had dropped. The whole floor fell silent, myself and Cyno included, and the bystanders as well. They looked shocked and surprised, a few had their hands covering their mouths, sharing glances with their friends. But I couldn't care less, I could only care about the one I just declared my love for. I could only care about him at that moment.
But I suppose that's where I went wrong.
He looked devastated. His beautiful red eyes had grown wider than I'd ever seen them, tears brimming over the edges. His mouth hung open. His shoulders were tense and looked at me like I'd killed his lover.
And maybe that was the worst part of it all.
He stayed silent.
He didn't say them back. He didn't tell me all that I wanted, all that I needed to hear.
I couldn't hold it in any longer. Still unable to care about the onlookers, I let my tears spill over my cheeks. Knowing no matter how much I waited, I wouldn't hear it back. something I'd worried to be true for longer than I should have. I felt sick, nausea clawing at my body.
I guess I was right, it was all an illusion, it really was, my own little world, just mine and never to be shared.
I wiped my eyes and pushed past him to get back into the dormitory. I didn't look back as I made my way to my room.
I soon fell prey to the numbness that enveloped my body, along with the soft but painful ache that coursed through my veins
guess I'm not getting anything done today.
***
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