Summer Before Junior Year
Dear Diary,
I quite enjoy writing in you. Uh, that sounds like something an older person would say. Anyway, I'm sitting on my bed in sweatpants and a T-shirt. Can you believe that? Me, the reigning queen of Lakewood Prep, wearing sweatpants the whole week? Of course, I wear sweatpants at home, but please, I wear designer ones that even people with lower incomes can afford—Nike, Adidas, and other brands.
But the ones I'm wearing right now are nowhere near that. Look, I'm not trying to brag, even though I sound like it, but if I can afford designer clothes, then I'm going to get them. I'm not a materialistic idiot who is only focused on having things. But, as I mentioned before, if I can afford them, I buy them. And I'm not taking or buying everything, but I do accept everything my dad gets me.
That's the least he can do for me—shower me with expensive gifts—to erase his guilt of leaving me alone and living with his new family. At least his new wife has fashion sense.
Anyway, I actually wanted to write that I won't be able to write every day: 1) because I have to participate in those round tables here, although I don't say anything except my first name, and 2) because I'm either too lazy or my hand hurts from all the writing, or I just don't feel like it.
Bye!
The Beginning of Junior Year
I'm still writing. I thought I would stop writing after everything that happened, but I think this... this is what makes it okay for me—to say I'm okay, I'm fine, and whatever happened, happened. Don't worry, I'm not getting emotional.
I wrote something about designer clothes and so on, but now I can say that I'm earning my own money. I'm fine, at least money-wise. I have a job at a cafe, and even if I have to work and see my classmates every day (because they are too dumb to go anywhere else), I like the feeling of being able to do something everyone does.
I know I'm rich, I don't have to work, and I get a monthly allowance from my mom, but earning money by myself feels like I'm a step closer to adulthood. Of course, I'm still accepting the gifts from my dad. At least he's trying to get in my good graces by buying me materialistic things. I know it's not the same, but I can pretend that this is his way to say he loves me.
Ugh, I'm at the point where I'm going to get emotional. I think I'll stop writing.
Bye!
As I walked towards the library, I decided to make a stop at my locker. Since the library was in the opposite direction of my locker, I had to turn around and walk back the way I came. While I was walking like a koala, extremely slowly, I realized that someone was coming from the opposite direction.
"Scotland Yard!" I called out, smirking. I waved and ran towards him.
I stopped right in front of him. We were so different—while I had my dad's dark brown hair and brown eyes, he had mom's gray eyes and light brown hair. We were siblings, but we didn't even look alike, though that didn't mean we didn't have anything in common. I was really grateful to have him. Even if my mother and I didn't have a relationship, I had him as my family. My brother was a very sweet and caring person; he always cared for me. I still loved him, even if he let me down for his friends.
His friends were my friends too. Well, my former friends. In the middle of this get-together and in front of me was the boy I stared at before. They called him the Reigning King, though he just prefers King. With his emerald green eyes and his curly black hair, he absolutely looked gorgeous. What made the situation even more absurd was that he even had the perfect trained body.
I admit it, I had a hottie as a boyfriend but now he was the ex with a new girlfriend. His girlfriend Juliette was standing right next to him. Blue eyes, straight blonde hair, cheerleader captain, and the Reigning Queen—everything I wasn't anymore.
My brother was standing to his left, while his girlfriend Francesca was leaning into him. Francesca, or Franny for short, was a total Italian beauty but too shy to even utter a word. I befriended her in sophomore year, thought she was really nice, but realized too late what a backstabbing witch she was. I mean, I introduced her to her now-boyfriend, but she made it seem like she had a thing for him forever. That's not even true! She actually liked the cousin of my ex, but I told her that if she wanted to make someone jealous, she needed someone else.
My brother was the right person for being 'someone else,' because he never really dated anyway. To make this short: Franny really tried to create a gap between my brother and me. Unfortunately, she forgot that even if my brother and I weren't as close as before, he loved me enough. A small smile made its way to my face. I thought it went unnoticed, but when I met blue eyes (probably contact lenses), I knew he'd seen my smile.
The blue eyes, the sandy hair (dyed), and the tanned skin belonged to none other than the cousin of my ex. Well, you could say the Avilla boys looked like fairytale princes. Oh right, Avilla! When you read my little history lesson before I went inside the principal's office, then you know that the Avillas were related to Andrew van Lakewood, making them royalty.
I looked away from the second Avilla boy and trained my gaze on my ex-bestie. Priya, a beautiful Indian girl who had my back until the summer before junior year. Now, she either sneered at me or had an itch. Next to her was Jake, the African boy who always talked to me like we were friends. But today, he was having a heated discussion with the blonde, brown-eyed boy in front of him. Wyatt, Juliette's stepbrother, who winked at me before I returned my gaze to my brother.
And these were the Royals of Lakewood Prep.
"How often do I have to say that Scotland Yard isn't my name," my brother said annoyed. "Don't call me that."
"I know, it should be though," I grinned. "Especially, when you send freshmen to spy on me, hiding behind a row of lockers or a pillar, forgetting that I see their shoes or backpacks. Maybe, you should train them again." I nudged him on the shoulder.
Wyatt, my lovely friend, laughed. "That reminds me of the poor freshman from last year, the one you scarred for a lifetime."
"Oh, you mean the one that changed schools?" Jake asked, suddenly recognizing me. "What did you say to him again?"
"Nothing! Just that I liked his shaggy hair and his glasses. I even asked him to sit and talk with me," I shrugged. "When I think back, I think that I was maybe too forward. Poor boy, must be traumatized by my attempt to talk to him."
I knew by standing here I would lose half of my lunchtime, so I started to move a little bit to the right. And then I made a move to go forward but stopped when my brother called me out. "Em, where are you going?"
Ladies and Gentlemen, that's what everyone calls me in school, outside of school, and everywhere else. No Emerson, because Emerson was used by my teachers, by my principal, and adults.
Keep it short, I said to myself. "Locker. Library."
That was pretty good, Em. Thanks, Em!, my inner self said to me.
"Library? Aren't you sitting with us at lunch?" he asked, confused, eyebrows furrowed together. Like they wanted me to sit with them, I snorted inwardly.
"Scotty, if she doesn't want to sit with us, let her be." Franny said in a sickly sweet tone.
My puking radar went on high alert. "Yeah, Scotty—" I stopped myself from saying anything further in the same sweet tone as Franny when I saw the glare of my brother—"I mean, Scott. I asked Richardson and she's fine with it. I'll even catch up with my reading and my homework."
I was actually a pretty bright student. I mean, if you want to attend LW Prep you need to be smart. But last year I got so caught up in my mess that I didn't even care about my future. I was fine with not having a high school degree. I was so thankful that Principal Richardson pulled some strings and got me back into school to graduate. Even though I still behave like I did the summer before junior year and at the beginning of junior year—as if nothing bothers me and securing myself from others—I pulled a hard number last year.
And even if a small part of my heart wanted my mom as one of my saviors, I knew it was too much to ask. At least, in that moment I knew when my heart broke again.
"Well, I'll join you," Scott said, scratching his head after he and my ex, his best friend, exchanged quick glances.
If they thought I wouldn't see that, then they're dead wrong. "You don't need to," I gritted out, focusing my gaze on the green-eyed boy, "And you stop doing that!"
"I'm not doing anything," he said nonchalantly. It's the first time I heard him talk to me again, even if he looked immensely bored and didn't pay me any attention.
"That's great," I said sharply, deciding I was better off pissed. I didn't care, I shouldn't care. I had to pretend they didn't exist. "Because I don't need your and Scott's telepathic powers right now. So please, don't try your exchanging glances - thing in front of me. You should better focus on sucking your girlfriend's mouth than me. That's the thing you're good at, right?"
I was ready to head to the library when I heard a voice.
"Let her go, Scott."
I looked back and saw Francesca, the lovely Franny, the super backstabbing bestie, give my brother a tiny smile. "She's a big girl, she can handle it."
I snorted out loud. If only everyone knew what I was capable of. I stopped in my tracks and looked back at my brother. He was still standing there, like he wanted to say something. My brother was an amazing person, but he lacked the spine to stand up against his best friend and the people he cared about.
**
I wasn't alone, though. Scott was following me, occasionally calling my name. But I think he realized my silence made it harder for him to stop me.
I entered the library, my sanctuary at school. I loved the silence, the atmosphere, and most of all, the books. I didn't, however, like the librarian. Mrs. Roth and I had a mutual dislike for each other. She greeted me with a disapproving look, but I didn't bother responding with a snarky remark, even though it was tempting.
I walked up to my favorite desk, the one by the window and away from other students. I had claimed it as mine, and no one took anything from Emerson Vermont—not even a desk.
Settling into the chair, I gazed outside. It was a shame the sun was shining while I was in such a sour mood. Not that I liked sunny weather; I much preferred the rain and cold.
"Em?"
"What?" I snapped. Why was he chasing after me?
He sat down and sighed. "Can we talk?"
"About what? That I was too harsh back there? Well, I'm sorry, but I told you a long time ago I don't like it when you and him talk about me. There's nothing to talk about!" I said, throwing my hands in the air.
Of course, Mrs. Roth had to make her entrance at that exact moment. "Shush! This is a library, young lady," she said, crossing her arms.
I wouldn't have said anything back, but I was angry. My heart was racing, and my hands were clammy. So I snapped. "You know what, lady, maybe you should 'shush' yourself because I've lowered my voice, unlike him," I said, pointing at a stunned Scott. "Why don't you silence him? Because he's attractive? Is he attractive to you? He is—"
"Young lady! How dare you!" she interrupted, her round face turning as red as a tomato.
"How dare you? This is a school library, and I love this place, but it's not a real library!" I panted, breathless from my outburst.
Mrs. Roth's expression turned hurt, and guilt stabbed at me. But more than that, I felt frustrated, like my heart was going to burst, and I couldn't control my erratic breathing.
I knew Mrs. Roth wanted to reprimand me, maybe even send me to Principal Richardson, but Scott stepped in, soothing her with a few words. Her face was still red as she walked back to her desk.
I thought Scott would lecture me about thinking before I speak, about how my words can hurt, about how selfish I was. I had heard it all last year and accepted it, letting it become my mask. But he didn't. Instead, Scott walked up to me and enveloped me in a hug. "It's okay, Em. I know you're not fine, but remember, I'll always be there for you."
I stiffened. He knew I wasn't okay. He knew Mom's accident hit me just as hard as it hit him, yet we both tried to hide our emotions. But there was still something keeping us apart. "And still, you didn't forgive me," I said softly into his shirt.
"I didn't leak those pictures of her. But I guess Franny needed a culprit, and I was the right person after everything I did," I continued, my hands itching to hug him back.
But I couldn't. It wasn't that I didn't love my brother; it was that I couldn't fully trust him. Not when there was so much left unsaid, not when he had let me down.
"Em, I would—"
"What? You would never let someone come between us? But you did it twice," I said, a small laugh escaping my lips as I slowly pushed him away. "You let Franny come between us, and the first person you let come between us was Henry."
Henry Avilla, the black-haired boy with the emerald-green eyes, the Reigning King of Lakewood Prep, was Scott's best friend and my ex-boyfriend. I was glad my voice remained indifferent when I said his name. It wasn't that I loved him when we broke up, but I still felt something whenever I mentioned him or saw him.
Maybe I didn't let Scott finish because I needed to get this out. "Besides, you can drop the 'I care about you' act. I know Grandma set you up to look after me, and I know you're doing this for her. But don't worry, I'll tell her you're taking care of me like a brother should."
I took my headphones out of my bag and untangled them. "Scott, maybe you should go back to your friends. I'm sure they're dying to know what we talked about. You can even tell them you hugged me and didn't die from it," I joked, even though I didn't feel like it.
I didn't look at Scott, but I felt his gaze. It made me uncomfortable.
"Why do you think I don't care about you?" he asked quietly after a few moments of silence.
I looked up to find his gray eyes staring at me. His expression was unreadable. Something he must've learned from Henry. "Isn't it obvious? I'm not your priority," I said softly. "You should go."
I put my headphones on, even though I didn't turn on any music. I thought Scott would say something, but when he walked away, I realized he didn't deny my accusation.
I felt an emotion in my chest that I couldn't decipher. I knew I had been difficult last year, annoying even. I knew Scott tried his best to make me feel okay in the last weeks of summer before junior year. But everything changed. I became heartless to them, in their words, the biggest bitch on earth.
Francesca's pictures from who-knows-when got leaked, and I was the one she could blame since Priya and I had already fallen apart. Everything fell apart when I came back from that camp.
A small part of me hoped Scott and I would survive the chaos, but it didn't.
I lay my head down on my arms, tired and exhausted. Suddenly, it hit me like a blast, my heart splintering. I was never Scott's priority. He always chose everyone else over me: Henry, Franny, Mom.
And I... well, I would never be his priority. He would never choose me because all we had shattered when he chose his best friend and his girlfriend over me. I wasn't going on a pity train because I felt angry.
But no matter how angry I was at Scott for not choosing me, I still loved him enough to choose his happiness over mine.