I waited outside by Noah's car for him to show up. I felt bad for calling him but I needed to get out of there. It was all just too much.
I couldn't believe that he had been cheating on me all this time. I thought we had something special, something real. I guess I was wrong to believe that. I was wrong to trust him.
I turned to face the window of the passenger door and stared at my reflection.
Why wasn't I enough? I knew I didn't look like Paige but I didn't think I was that bad. Paige was a tall blonde with huge boobs and the perfect face. I didn't look like that. My boobs were smaller than average and I was short.
I hated myself for even thinking this way. I hated Paige, why was I comparing myself to her?
"Hey, there you are," Noah said. I turned my head, noticing him walking towards the car. "What happened? Were you crying?"
"I don't want to talk about it now, I just really need to leave, please," I pleaded.
"Ok, I'll get you home, Lana," he said as he unlocked the doors.
I climbed in and closed the door behind me, taking deep breaths to calm myself down. Noah opened the drivers side and got in, shutting the door behind him.
He started the car and pulled out of the spot. I was quiet during the drive home, my mind elsewhere. When Noah's car pulled into the driveway, I let out a breath that I didn't even realize I was holding.
Noah pulled into the garage and turned off the engine. I quickly got out of the car before he could interrogate me and walked up the steps to the door that led into the house. I went straight up to my room, closing the door behind me after I walked in.
I placed my backpack down by the door and slid off my shoes. I walked over to my bed and flopped down onto it with my head facing the ceiling. I heard the garage door close and I knew Noah would be in soon to interrogate me but for now, I was finally at peace.
I laid there for a while, staring up at the ceiling. I felt my eyelids getting heavy and before I knew it, I was asleep.
In my dream, I appeared in the hallway of the high school. The hallway was empty, and I was confused as to where everyone was.
All of a sudden, I heard the bell ring and the hallway filled with people forming a circle around me. They were all staring and laughing, but when I tried to run away, my feet wouldn't move.
I looked down and noticed that my feet were stuck to the floor.
"Shit!" I thought to myself. "I need to get out of here."
I started to panic and began hyperventilating. The crowd began coming closer and closer, the laughter getting louder in my ears. I crouched down, trying to block out the laughter by plugging my ears but it wasn't working.
I shot up in my bed, tears streaming down my face and I was hyperventilating.
My bedroom door burst open and my brother came running in, looking extremely worried.
"Lana! Are you okay?" He asked, out of breath.
"I--" I started to say before the tears turned into sobs.
Before I knew it, my brother was sitting on my bed, wrapping his arms around me. He pulled me into his chest and I cried.
We stayed like that for a while before I finally stopped crying.
"Lana, what was that all about?" Noah asked softly.
"I had a bad dream," I admitted. "I can't escape the stares and laughing from people around me. I'm already so embarrassed by what happened between Tyler and I, this is only making it worse."
He squeezed me tighter and I could tell that he was annoyed with the situation.
"Noah," I said softly as I pulled away to face him. "Tyler had been cheating on me for a while."
"WHAT!?" Noah yelled, standing up. "Are you kidding!? I'm going to kill him."
He started to move towards the door. I jumped up and grabbed his arm, pulling him back. "Noah, don't. It's not worth it," I said.
"Of course it's worth it. He broke your heart and I need to breath his face," Noah said, his fists clenching.
"Noah," I pleaded. "Please."
"Fine, I won't do anything now but I make no promises for any future opportunities," Noah said.
He pulled me in for another hug and I was so grateful to have him. I squeezed him tight and when we parted, I looked up at him.
"Thank you," I said. "For everything."
"I'd do it any day in a heartbeat," he said with a small smile.
***
I stayed in my room for the rest of the afternoon, trying to distract myself with random Netflix shows. I didn't even realize that my parents were home until I heard my name being called.
I got up from my bed and turned off the TV before leaving my room. I walked down the stairs and through the entry to get to the kitchen.
When I walked in, I noticed Avery and Noah sitting on the barstools, leaning against the kitchen island. I looked over and saw my parents standing behind the kitchen island. They looked at me with sorrow in their eyes and I felt so guilty for making them feel that way.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked.
"Honey, come sit, we have news," my dad said.
I nodded, walking over to the side of the kitchen island with the stools. I sat in between Noah and Avery, putting my elbows onto the counter as I leaned over.
"So, as you already know, we usually leave for the beach house at the end of June every summer," my mom began. "Due to the recent events, your father and I thought that it would be better if we left for the beach house earlier this summer."
My eyes lit up. This was my way out of this town.
***
I never thought I'd be so happy to leave that town until now. That town used to represent every happy memory I ever had with my friends and family, but after everything that happened, it just felt like hell.
I stayed home the rest of the week, refusing to go to school. I didn't want to see everyone, especially after what happened on Monday.
At the end of the week, Elle stopped by to say goodbye.
We were standing outside in the backyard. It was a beautiful, sunny day and the weather was nice. I stood outside in nike running shorts and a t-shirt, my hair pulled into a messy bun. I wasn't expecting to leave my house so I went for a more comfortable, lazy look.
Well, let's be honest, I had zero motivation to try to look nice, especially when I felt like shit inside.
"You better not get all emo on me while you're gone," Elle warned as she squeezed me tightly in a bear hug.
I rolled my eyes. "Very funny," I said jokingly.
We separated and sat down on the lounge chairs on the patio in the backyard.
"I'm serious, Lana, I want you to find peace while you're away," Elle said, her tone becoming more serious.
I looked out to the pool and watched the water flow in waves.
"I know," I said, clenching my jaw. "It's just not always that easy."
"I know, but I know you, Lana. I have faith that you'll get through this," Elle said with a small smile.
I could feel her eyes on me. I turned my head to face her.
"But what if I don't?" I asked, terrified.
She looked at me with sorrowful eyes and I could see that this was breaking her heart as much as it was breaking mine.
It wasn't fair, none of this was fair. I just wanted to be myself again, I wanted my life back.
But nothing felt the same anymore, and I was left to wonder if anything would ever feel the same again.
"Then we'll take it from there," Elle said.
I nodded, trying to act like I understood but deep down, I didn't. I didn't understand how I could ever be the same again. I couldn't visualize the day that I'd actually be over this, and I hated that.
When it started to get late, Elle explained that she had to get home.
We hugged and promised to keep in touch, as we always did every summer. Elle planned to come visit me as soon as she got acclimated with her new job. She was working at a country club this year, which was a step up from the camp counselor job that she usually had.
The next morning, I finished packing my things and put everything into the car.
I looked at my phone for the first time in a few days. No New Notifications. I still couldn't believe that Tyler hadn't even attempted to reach out and explain himself. I knew he was an ass after what he did to me but this really changed my opinion of him. I thought he was the kind of guy to be loyal and honest, but I guess I was wrong.
Once everyone finished packing their stuff into the car, we set off for the beach house. The drive was about an hour long, but with every minute that passed, I felt more relieved. I needed this break to focus on myself and move on from the past. I was tired of being the girl that moped around all day because she had her heart broken.
When my dad made the left turn onto Shore Road, I knew we were close. I stared out the window at the mansions and for a moment, I allowed myself to forget about all my problems and think about the houses. I thought about each house and imagined the people living in them, what their lives were like. It was bittersweet because I was happy to escape the thoughts of Tyler but it was depressing to imagine better lives than the one I was currently living.
When we pulled into the driveway, I couldn't wait to get out of the car. My dad parked the car in the garage and everyone got out. I grabbed my bags and raced into the house and up to my room.
I opened up the door to my room and stood there in awe at my safe haven for the summer. The walls were a pale blue with a white comforter and a large bed. The furniture was made of light grey wood, and in the corner, there was a built in window seat that had a view of the water and a neighboring house in the distance. This room was the perfect place to hide from everything and truly escape.
I stepped inside and placed my bags down before collapsing onto my bed. I got under the blanket and immediately fell asleep. I was so exhausted from last week's events and I needed to rest my mind.
I woke up to a knock at the door. I turned my head to look out the window and noticed that the sun was setting. The door opened and my brother stepped in. He walked over and sat onto my bed as I sat up to lean against my headboard.
"Are you sure everything's okay, Lana? I've been very worried about you." Noah said.
"I'm fine, Noah, really," I assured. "You don't need to keep checking in on me. I'll be okay, I just need some time."
"I'll try my best but no promises. I need to make sure that you're okay," he said.
"I'm okay. It's just an adjustment, you know? I need to figure out how to be on my own again" I said. "I need to focus on myself for now."
"I respect that and I'll try not to get in your way of doing that. I know how hard it's been for you," Noah said before standing up to face me. "I'm going to head downstairs and eat some dinner. If you need anything, don't hesitate to reach out."
"Thanks Noah, it really means a lot to me," I said with a small smile. Noah smiled back before heading out of the room, closing the door behind him.
I readjusted myself to lay back down in my bed before falling back asleep. These days, it seemed like sleeping was the only thing I could do to really escape. Everything I would normally do seemed pointless, and I couldn't help but wonder when this feeling would all go away.
I woke up again about three hours later to the sound of another knock. This time, my room was engulfed in darkness so when the door opened, I could barely see who was standing there.
"Hey Lana, I know you haven't eaten much today so I brought you some leftover pizza," Avery said. She walked in carrying a tray with two slices of pizza and a glass of water, then placed it onto my lap.
"Aves, you didn't have to do this," I said as I looked down at the tray. I felt bad that she was going out of her way for me, I didn't deserve this.
"It was no big deal, really," Avery said. "I know that when you're sad, you forget to eat sometimes and I just wanted to make sure that you were eating enough."
Avery gave a small smile before quietly heading out the door, and I couldn't help but smile at this small but incredibly thoughtful gesture. Here I was moping around about how terrible my life was because Tyler left while I had all of these amazing friends and family surrounding me. They were going out of their way to make me feel better because they wanted to, not even because I asked them to. This really got me thinking about what I deserved, and I knew that at the end of the day, I didn't deserve to be cheated on in the most humiliating way possible. I didn't deserve any of that.
I finished eating the food that Avery brought and then I looked over at the clock to check the time. 11:38pm. I knew that most people, including my family, wouldn't be up and out at this hour, so I decided to take a walk to be on my own.
I stepped outside and walked across the porch to the path that led to the beach. I walked along the wooded path until I reached the beach, then I sat down in the sand by the water. I put my hands behind my back and leaned back to stare up at the stars.
It's funny, all of these stars are shinning so bright and yet they're all alone, while I'm here all alone and I'm as dull as a rock. How did this happen to me? I was never this girl. I had a great life before he came along and all of a sudden, everything became about him.
Why couldn't I be my own person? Why did my happiness revolve around some asshole who couldn't even give me the decency of staying loyal? I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know what to do.
Suddenly, I couldn't control it anymore. I couldn't take the pressure and I began to cry.